Boyfriend (m 27) and me (f 24) are kind of in a long distance relationship, since he works rotative shifts and I live and work 1:20hrs away from him so we only get to see each other when when we have the time.
The thing is we do sext, and I send him pictures and videos masturbating with my vibrator and dildo and he gets very turned on, to the point he can’t stop masturbating or imagining sexual stuff about me (so he says).
But when we meet up to have sex, he gets so anxious he can barely sustain an erection. He’s very experienced and has had a lot more sex than me and says that has never happened to him before. We’ve been together for 3 years now and I was a virgin when I met him. He says he can’t understand why it happens and everytime we go at it he’s just scared that it happens, and then it happens. He can’t maintain the erection.
I try to keep it playful when that happens and tell him it’s not a big deal and sometimes he gets relaxed enough to get hard again, but then after a few thrusts he just loses it.
We have a lot intimacy, and get along well if it wasn’t for this. He keeps saying he doesn’t deserve me and that he just feels awful how it might make me feel, I can see it in his eyes how bad he feels when this happens.
I just can’t help but thinking that he’s just not sexually attracted to me. He keeps saying it’s not that because I am physically attractive and that he’s had sex with girls not that attractive before but that didn’t stop him. He says that he’s just keep asking himself ‘what if it happens?’ and then it happens.
Has anyone had some similar experience?
13 comments
I ain’t even read the post but the title is a weird question. Can you love your mother without being sexually attracted?????!
Ask him how much porn he is watching and how much he jerks off. I would bet this is the issue.
I had a female friend with a bf she ended up dumping over this and it was exactly the same. His fear that it would happen would cause it and he never got past it. He’s gotta get out of his head. The only thing I can think for you to do that might help is for you to be assertive and go out of your way to do things that will keep him present in the moment.
If he’s on top of you, reach around him and pull him into you as he thrusts. Grab the back of his head and pull him to you and kiss him while he fucks you. Maintain solid eye contact. Talk dirty. Talk dirtier. Just a few ideas.
Yeah it is possible to have one without the other. But if you’re in a sexual relationship then it fucking sucks to not have that attraction ime
Im pretty sure he is less experienced than you think and masturbation and porn while you are apart makes it difficult for him when you are together.
I think this has nothing to with you or lack of attraction, but has to do with him and him having to get used to physical intimacy.
I had similar issues when I first started dating.
To me, it sounds like performance anxiety. The more he worries about it, the worse it gets. Since you are long distance, there is a *lot* of pressure on him to be hard at exactly the right moment.
Is he open to trying Viagra or Cialis? A lot of people have been helped by using it just one time. One successful encounter with a hard dick can make it easy to stop worrying next time.
Yes
I love my wife and not sexually attracted to her
Sex is so boring
I’d rather pay for an escort – even though there isn’t much passion – I like the experience she brings
So to answer your question it is possible. But it’s not what is happening in your situation. A lot of times guys can lose erections for no reason sometimes and it happens. But once they start feeling anxious, nervous, it never ends well usually. And it has nothing to do with his attraction to you, or anything about you other than the fact you are there right now and he needs to perform.
Right now he’s trapped in a vicious cycle of not being able to perform and so when it comes to the time, he’s got so much anxiety he can’t and it builds more of those feelings for the next time. It’s affecting his mental health and he needs a lot of reassurance that his worth isn’t tied to being able to sustain an erection for you. So if you haven’t been reassuring him a lot about it, then you should. Maybe even have a conversation about how it makes you feel, and that you know it’s not his fault that it happens. But maybe this conversation will allow him to feel less pressure. There’s plenty of intimacy you can have that doesn’t involve piv.
i think for most people not on the ace/aro spectrum sexual and romantic feelings are deeply intertwined… it’s hard for many people to be sexually attracted to/intimate with someone without gaining romantic feelings, and it’s even harder for many people to be romantically attracted to/intimate with someone without developing (if they didn’t initially already have) sexual feelings… i assume you are talking about romantic love… you can certainly love someone platonically and have no sexual feelings, and many people do, but very few people who aren’t sexually attracted to someone love them romantically… i don’t think that is the issue though… sounds more like performance anxiety than a lack of sexual attraction, and the anxiety probably wouldn’t be there if he wasn’t attracted to you
Oooooooooo. Man. The way he described his experiences with less attractive people is soooo shitty. It sounds like he has pretty rough performance anxiety though. He needs a doctor.
I was thinking Viagra might help, take the mind out of the process of getting an erection. As others have said, once he’s achieved a lasting erection he’ll probably be fine from then on.
A sex-therapist may be able to help get over the performance anxiety. I know it seems a bit weird consulting a sex therapist but it can definitely help once you get over about talking about your sex life with a stranger
Maybe a week away might help, once again getting you out of the now-or-never mindset that’s causing the dysfunction
Yea you can love someone you are not sexually attracted to.
But we don’t know if that’s what’s happening here. Maybe he’s afflicted to porn. Maybe he’s in his head, anxious and nervous.
Have him try viagra or Cialis. If it’s nerves, this can get him over the hump.
If it never changes and you need sex, break up
It looks as if there is a Madonna – whore complex at work here. Look that up and draw your own conclusions. Possibly therapy could be a solution. It depends on how much energy you both want to invest in your relationship.