Over the past couple of years, I’ve (M39) had large emotional events which has included the loss of both my parents due to different health complications, family vultures interfering with parents estate, the birth of a child and a drastic career change, and all of this has coincided with a significant drop in my libido. My wife (F39) has always had a higher sex drive and significantly more sexual experience than me, which hasn’t been an issue until now as the difference is so significant.
She seems to have this false belief that guys always want to have sex, so things got worse when I tried to explain to her that I’m not always in the mood and that when I know she wants it, I do my duty as a husband but it would be nice if once in a while she made an effort to help get me in the mood, other than just closing the bedroom door. This resulted in her completely missing the point and telling me that we’ll just have sex when I want it so she isn’t “raping” me.
The final straw that killed what was left of my drive was one night she want some fun times, I wasn’t really in the mood but through foreplay got her to orgasm and just as it was about to be my turn to be pleasured, our baby woke up so all I ended up getting was an apology and her falling asleep. The following night I hoped she was planning to make up for the previous night (as what would be expected of me if roles were reversed), instead it was just an exact rinse and repeat with me being left out again due to baby waking. The night after that, I was figuring surely she’d make up for the previous 2 nights, unfortunately she just wanted another repeat, which really annoyed me so I told her that I was too tired, rolled over and went to sleep. Then my sex drive packed its bags and left.
Now she thinks I’m no longer attracted to her because I’m never interested in sex, despite the fact she is still the most beautiful and amazing woman in the world to me.
For the first many years of our relationship, our sex life seemed great as we both were focused on each others pleasure, but now it just seems we’re both focused on hers and I end up feeling like I’m not much more than an interactive sex toy.
I’m looking for advice on how to, firstly, improve my sex drive, and secondly, how to approach my wife with how I feel without upsetting her or making her jump on the defensive?
Sorry for the long post.
1 comment
If you can’t communicate clearly and honestly without her getting defensive then it doesn’t matter how you say things. You may need a third party (couples counseling) to help you with that.
You need to set boundaries and **be firm** with them. If you don’t want sex then you do not have sex. It’s plain and simple. You don’t need to improve your sex drive if you don’t want to. When it comes to sex though, you can’t just assume things. If you want an orgasm she needs to know you want it. Just like you’re able to not want sex, it’s possible she doesn’t want it either. Or it’s possible she thinks because you don’t want sex as much that it doesn’t matter to you if you don’t get an orgasm. She can’t read your mind just like you can’t read hers.