My boyfriend and I (M30, F28) have been together just over a year. While I’m neutral on the necessity of living together before an engagement/marriage, he believes it’s an important next step so we’ve started apartment hunting. My lease is up in October and the owners are moving back in so the timing works out.
“Mark” currently lives in a studio style place and spends about $1,800 on rent. I’m in a two bedroom plus tiny office, I’m spending $4,000. Mark has a decent job and has no problems coverings bills with a little left over, but it would be a stretch for him to go up in rent too much more than what he’s currently paying. I make, for context, roughly five times the amount Mark does. Yes, I could pay more in rent than what I do but I’m more interested in saving and eventually leaving this area, opening my own practice, buying a home etc. Also for context and background, right now Mark and I split going out and our activities pretty fifty fifty – we take turns going out and planning dates, no real conflicts. I probably choose more expensive places and activities when I’m planning and paying, but it’s not been a problem that I’ve been aware of.
Anyway…
Mark scheduled a number of apartment showings for us. He was super excited about this all so I let him take the lead. I assumed we’d be looking at places similar in size and cost to where I’m living now because he’d want to keep his costs similar or less than what he’s spending currently.
Oh no. So not the case AT ALL. The whole first day was a series of luxury places sprawling all over some of the nicest neighborhoods in the city. Average rent on the places we saw was between $6,500 and $7,500.
I didn’t say anything while we were looking, but when we got back to my place that night I asked Mark what the heck was going through his mind with those prices?? He said he picked his favorite places and neighborhoods first, and figured I wouldn’t mind upping my costs “a little,” but he had some options in the $5,500/$6,000 range too that wouldn’t even be a “noticeable” increase in rent for me.
I was super confused at this point, and asked him to clarify how he expected us to be splitting rent because the math just wasn’t working for me. He looked at me like I’d asked the dumbest question in the world and said because he makes 20% of what I make, he’d be contributing to 20% of the cost, of course.
I told him I completely understand that some couples do percentage based expenses, but if we’re going to be sharing a place half-and-half then we should be paying for it half-and-half. We’re not married, we’re not even engaged, I’m not going to be gifting rent to him. He got upset because if we chose a place that he could still afford going half and half on, my rent would be going down and his would be staying the same. I agreed, but pointed out that he’d be in a bigger place in a nicer neighborhood, so he’d be benefiting as well. Or, we can choose someplace less expensive for both of us. I also asked if he expected us to split things like utilities and other household costs with this same formula, and he said “of course.”
I told him if he wasn’t comfortable with splitting expenses evenly, we didn’t have to make the decision to move in together until much further on in our relationship, and I could just get another place on my own. Now everything I suggest or say is met with coldness and sarcasm, like I told him I’m canceling his birthday or something.
I get that he’s looking at this from the perspective of what I *can* do, but just because I can doesn’t mean I am comfortable. I’d understand if I personally wanted to upgrade into something that he couldn’t afford, but it’s just not that important to me.
Am I remarkably out of touch and unfair here? I’d rather not fight about this if there’s a perspective I’m missing out there, but it just doesn’t feel right to me. How do I rectify this?
**TLDR:** I make roughly 5 times the amount my boyfriend does so his perspective is that I should pay 80% of our rent and expenses while he takes care of 20%. We haven’t moved in together yet, and this disagreement is putting out cohabitation in jeopardy.
39 comments
There’s nothing wrong with you paying more than he does since your income is so much higher, but that should have been discussed first and doesn’t necessarily have to be 80/20. That split seems incredibly unfair.
But how on earth did you not have a conversation about this, as well as the rent you’re both willing to pay **before** this point? Terrible communication.
NTA, good to find this out now, instead of later. Ie., you make enough to support us, so I’ll quit my job and pursue my passions. You’re right, you aren’t ready to move in yet. Get your own place. You don’t need your relationship to go down the tubes and you would be stuck with an expensive apartment you didn’t want in the first place. Btw, I would be saying the same thing, no matter the gender.
I think 50/50 would be really unfair here. You’d get a big break in rent, he’d get none. You want to make it out so you both benefit from living together. It doesn’t need to be perfectly proportional, but if you’re not paying a larger share he’s going to be carrying a bigger housing burden. Sounds like he’s being presumptuous about the apartments he wants to look at, though.
That said, it’s totally reasonable to say that he’s chosen apartments far above what you would consider, and set a much lower budget. And it’s reasonable to negotiate cost splitting in between 50/50 and perfectly proportional. But if you don’t consider the two of you “partners” in a real sense, when proportion makes sense and where both of you get a break and support each other due to living together, then you may not be ready to live together. And it seems like you’ve come to that conclusion on your own, but he’s not really wrong to hurt that he was thinking the two of you were at a different place than you are.
I can’t say which is best but I can share my personal experience with this. Before moving in together I scoured the internet for opinions and options on this very topic and I thought the percentage based method was the most fair. I still think so, even though in my case it built resentment.
Before moving in we calculated how much the mortgage, bills, and food would cost. He estimated his food cost to be very low ($50/week) despite him being a 6’4” big man. I never cared how much he made, I wasn’t interested in his money, but I always assumed if anyone moved in with me, having a two income household (no matter how low his income) would help financially. I don’t make a lot, but he makes about half what I do. After he moved in, I discovered his food costs were much higher than he estimated and his contribution only covered the increase in food costs, so I was paying the same (100% of the mortgage, bills, and food for my children and I). Which might not have been as bad but he had hours of free time at home and never cleaned, despite agreeing to do dishes half the time. We ended up breaking up due to unrelated issues, but the fact he wasn’t helping financially or with the household built resentment and made me not want to tolerate the lying and addictions.
In the future I will probably still do a percentage based split but find someone who makes more so they can contribute and it doesn’t feel like I’m doing everything by myself.
I would recommend you find someone who makes more (not equal to what you do, but closer). If you do 50/50 he may resent you. If you do 80/20 you may resent him; his contribution would be so little you may feel no benefit to living with him at all.
Edit: I agree with Miligato that the move should benefit you both. Find a percentage between 50/50 and 80/20 and look for cheaper places. A place you can afford on your own easily if the relationship ended.
I don’t think that the arrangement of splitting bills is wrong, esp with you making 5x what he does. What I think is wrong is that he decided this on his own and then picked out luxury apartments because he thought you would just pay for them.
This is an important discussion to have and I think this situation is bringing that to light. It’s time to have a conversation and decide the percentage and what you are looking for in terms of rent.
I think 50/50 is a little unfair, not to mention that you’d have to downgrade your standard of living to get to a place where he could afford half. But I think 80/20 is ridiculous and imo the biggest problem is that he’s trying to significantly upgrade on your dime. Like if you find a place where you are each essentially paying around your current rents would be reasonable. Him trying to get into a luxury place where he’d pay less than he’s paying now is a huge red flag. He’s being a greedy golddigger.
Do you see a potential middle ground? 80/20 is an absurd split, but he seems to find 50/50 equally insane. Would you be willing to do 60/40 (or any other percent besides 50/50)?
I’m willing to bet that if you continue in this relationship Mark is soon going to need a new car, new wardrobe, new phone, new computer, etc. All top of the line and all paid 80% by you of course. Do not move in with this person.
There are a gazilion ways to split finances as a couple and none of them are wrong as long as they work for you. The real problem here is the horrible communication. The audacity of his assumption that you would pay so much is mind boggling to me, but that’s just a difference of opinion. How you talk about different opinions is crucial. The disrespect and contempt shown through shutting you out and the sarcasm is an even bigger problem. If you guys can’t have respectful discussions when you disagree then this relationship is doomed.
Ooooooof. I was gonna come in all guns blazing to say yes you should split it proportionally. I do because I earn more than my partner and it isn’t fair to expect her to pay the same as me on like, half the wages. I want her to have money for herself. But the fact that he’s like…oh cool so we’ll look at really expensive places based on us combining our current rental amounts instead of finding somewhere cheaper???? Wtf I seriously question his financial judgement and that is definitely taking the piss out of you.
50/50% is too high if your salaries are that far apart. If your living arrangement makes him completely house poor, he is going to resent you for it. And if he has no money to do anything ever, you’re going to probably end up resenting him.
However, I also think that between expecting to only pay 20% and only looking at the most expensive places, this guy sounds awfully comfortable with spending a lot of your hypothetical money. Even if you live in a very HCOL areas, that is a crazy amount to pay in rent. It’s wild to me that he is suggesting that, much less doubling down on it when challenged. You guys sound like you need couples counseling before you even think about signing a lease together.
I’m not sure what Reddit is assuming here, but he is just a boyfriend, you don’t need to subsidize his life at this stage in the relationship. You could go 1/3 2/3 if that somehow feels palatable.
I think more than anything about cost splitting and so on, is that your SO is showing a pretty unfortunate petty side – no you’re not missing something they just assumed too much and sounds like they are hoping to neg you into going back on your boundaries.
I’m a real broken record about this stuff but when it comes to finances couples need to discuss the lifestyle/expenses as well as the split of funds – its a lot trickier than it sounds because it covers things like how upmarket your rental is, are you going to skimp and save on groceries or just buy what you want, relax on the heating etc etc
Long story short both expenses and split need to be comfortable for both partners. The two big red flags are either the lower income partner gets dragged into 50/50 for an expensive lifestyle they can’t afford OR the higher income person essentially funds the life of the lower income unfairly.
tbh so say again its sounds like your BF is pouting and not mature about this situation which is actually the bigger concern – 1 year is relatively short amount of time to move in together IMO might well be that its not the best idea just yet
I think you’re not ready to move in together, and it would be better to put it off until you’re more sure. It’s great that you started the conversation about your finances, and that needs to continue. However, you both need more time. His 20/80 split is unfair and unrealistic. I can see why he’s acting like you cancelled Christmas, but this is not it. I would also hesitate bankrolling a one year (i.e still new) relationship.
Dump him. Sounds like he’s just ok with you carrying all of the weight in the relationship. Completely unmotivated. Why would you be willing to put up with that? Either split things or hit the road. It’s not your fault that he’s not working harder to make more.
60/40 split in an apartment that’s reasonable and not luxury is the fairest way to me. That way you’re still able to save and live within means you’re both comfortable with. Tbh I would be wary of a man who decided to spend what isn’t his without no real communication. But 50/50 when you make waaay more than him is a little unfair too. Unless y’all decide to live in his apartment, then that way his rent still goes down significant and yours too.
As a bunch of people have already noted theres a middle ground between 50/50 and 80/20 that would probably make the most sense
I think that the issue here isn’t the split, it’s him actively seeking out apartments he cannot afford because he expects you to pay for it.
Should it be 50/50? Maybe not. But the total budget, and how it is split, should be decided together, not him choosing a place and then expecting you to pay more than you currently do while he still continues to pay what he always has.
It’s the disrespect of his assumption that you would subsidize whatever housing arrangement he wanted.
If you were the one pushing for a bigger place, then it would make sense for you to be contributing more, as he simply isn’t able to afford it, but with your current apartment, he could move in and split the rent 50:50 with only a $200/mo increase. Expecting you to splurge simply because he felt like you should is enormously entitled and not a good sign of his character, or how he regards your role in the relationship.
He sees you as a meal ticket, and you should really reconsider this relationship. He may back down when you decide to end things. Don’t mistake this for being the same thing as him actually recognizing that he was wrong, as it may very well be him simply realizing that he overplayed his hand and needs to back off for now.
I cannot, for the life of me get why anyone thinks it’s unfair for you guys to go 50/50. If you’re willing to compromise on a smaller place than your currently have … and he’s in a small space paying 1800. It seems like you guys can reasonable find a place that even at 3500 would have him paying less than now, and you both being satisfied. This man is spending your money without even consulting you and there’s no commitment level. You are absolutely in the right. 50/50 or continue living separately.
He’s clearly looking for more commitment than you are but this is probably a good time to stop and think about whether you really do want to be committed to him in the near future, whether you’re happy being the breadwinner etc.
It may also be a good time to talk about children. If you don’t want kids but he does that might explain the desire for more commitment sooner from him. He does also need to understand that he will need to do the majority of domestic work like childcare and housekeeping that isn’t outsourced if you end up in a committed relationship because that’s just how it is for the lesser earning partner.
Did you not discuss price range or anything until you were already touring apartments? I don’t understand how this conversation didn’t occur far before visiting places.
This sounds like the worst roommate known to man just outed himself to you before moving in together. If you want ur life to be hell then move in together.
As other people have said, he should have talked about this with you before. But also… I don’t really see the issue here. If you find a place for $5,800, you’re both paying the same amount for a way nicer place. You are benefitting from him contributing even a little bit to rent.
It’s only a concern if you’re worried about breaking up — but that’s a concern even if you’re going 50/50.
He’s not wrong to think you could pay more than 50%. But he’s wrong to assume you will, and he’s really wrong to assume you wouldn’t mind paying even more than you pay today.
Go back to square one. Discuss how much – not in percentages but in $$ amount – he is comfortable paying for rent, and how much you are comfortable paying. That sum is the price point. Maybe you’ll pay the same that you pay today and he’ll pay the same, or maybe some other amount. It is fair for you to pay more.
For basic utilities like electricity, water, internet, etc, a 50/50 split is fair. For perks (maybe you like ALL the streaming services, maybe you want a maid service) it would be fair for you to pay more, but only if that’s something you want and feel comfortable with.
Your attitude in your post is very much “eh I could take it or leave it with this guy” and from what you say, his attitude seems to be “woohoooo cash cow!!” So I’m wondering if the two if you even like each other? Maybe this relationship doesn t have much of a future.
>Now everything I suggest or say is met with coldness and sarcasm, like I told him I’m canceling his birthday or something.
Ewww… Throw this one back. He’s not long term relationship material.
As I started reading this, I thought that you were in the wrong for not agreeing to an income-based payment plan; however, as I read further along I can see where you are coming from. If you are okay with living in a less expensive place so that he can afford half the rent, then it’s unreasonable to expect you to pay most of a luxury apartment by yourself.
You’re right – you’re not married or engaged. Yet. Do you plan to be or see this relationship going that way? If the answer is yes, or even maybe, I would urge you to reconsider. When I was with my now-husband, I lost my job and he paid rent while I found a new one. I’ve carried him too through hard times. In a partnership, it’s expected to give 100%, not 50/50. Give 100% of what YOU are capable of and your partner should do the same. So, the mentality you’ve expressed is fine if you don’t see a future, but if you do see yourself winding up with this guy I would reconsider.q
Having been in Mark’s shoes (i.e., the significantly lower earner in a relationship), I would say that you should hold off until you’re ready for things to be more serious before you combine households. I am glad my (now) husband and I waited until we knew we were going to get married and felt ready to take significant steps toward combining finances before we signed a lease together. Please remember that this is the FIRST major joint financial decision and there will be many more. What happens when you need new furniture? What about travel? You will be nickel and diming one another every time.
In my opinion, when the income discrepancy is that substantial, the only way for both parties to feel okay is when you get to a point that you see it as “our” money instead of “your” money.
I agree with you. Moving in together should be an opportunity for both of you to save cosst, not for him to splash out on his dream apartment at your expense. Even if you were to split the costs % wise (as most people here think is normal) the fact that he rushed off to the expensive places, instead of just considering that you share something similar to what you have now, and both save money, is concerning.
And if you DO split, rental at least should be split according to what you pay now. He currently pays 1800 vs 4000. He pays 45% of what you pay, or 31% of what your combined rental of 5800 would be. But now he wants to pay 20% of a $7000 place – he will be paying 1400 and *you* will be paying 5600.
Seems like he scores all the way while you are significantly out of pocket. You might have a gold digger on your hands there, be careful.
Don’t move into anything you’re not willing to pay 100% by yourself.
If your relationship doesn’t work, he will have to move out because he can’t afford it and you’ll be stuck with it. Maybe you can get out of it somewhat, but the Leasing Agent is gonna go after you since you have money. You should assume you’ll be stuck bearing the full cost, as unfair as this is, I doubt you could successfully pursue him.
So since this is a fairly young relationship, either don’t move in together, or only put on for something you can do on your own for the worst case scenarios.
Splitting 50/50 is not something I’d do with someone I loved if they were making 20% of what I made. I don’t think splitting 50/50 is fair.
However, the AUDACITY of Mark to have made this decision without even discussing it with you is mindblowing. He sounds like a real moocher and you are lucky you saw this behavior before you ended up on a lease with him. Or worse, married.
I hope this was a huge eye opener for you. It would have been for me.
If your incomes are that different, I don’t think you can divide all expences in the Households 50/50. How are you going to do with food? Will he eat noodles while you eat what ever you feel like?
He shouldn’t be hunting for an expensive apartment without having discussed it with you. But I don’t think 50/50 is fair there either. Maybe he pays 1/3 and you 2/3? You are not going to be roommates. You are a couple.
If the genders were reversed everyone here would think you are super cheap.
This sounds a bit childish and immature and like he wants to be taken care of. Its annoying and this is just going to be the tip of the iceberg.
That said, switch the genders in this story and you have every single relationship (with income disparity) that myself 39m or any guy I have ever know has been in. I’m going to enjoy the rest of the comments with some popcorn.
ESH.
Sigh. Look…
I am torn between two issues: Him looking at these extra expensive places, presumably knowing what you spend monthly on bills, and feeling entitled to SERIOUSLY look at a luxury lifestyle that he thinks you would be funding. Then, the fact that you DO make 5 times what he does, so you should also probably pay more of the rent, and it seems a bit extreme to not be able to compromise at all.
I also worry that your own “50/50 split on everything” demands are exploitative of him as well, particularly if your relationship did progress into marriage and buying a home. Regardless of the cost of the home, assuming you both qualified individually, you would probably think he needs to pay half of the mortgage.
So THAT isnt fair either and its a long term concept I am not sure either of you are considering.
If you get something similar to what you have, it will likely cost at least 1,000 more a month, regardless, so 3800 a month.. due to inflation, mainly..
If he pays half, and you pay half, you can maintain your standard of living, and SAVE even more money, even though HE will be spending even more than he currently spends on his current rent to cover his half.
This ONLY benefits YOU. Especially if you divorce and I am assuming you are an attorney, so you would likely keep the house.. screwing him out of the much more than standard amt of his income he already put into it.
Now, that doesnt excuse him looking at expensive places, lmao, but at the same time, he may also be acting passive aggressive about the income disparity, since, I mean- why the heck cant he move into your apartment and split THAT rent?? Oh thats right. Moneys only REALLY the issue for HIM. Im sure he has noticed you are picking expensive places for him to take you to. I guess he figures that if he can drop a lot of money on entertaining you, that you might actually be serious enough about him to pay YOUR extra amount on sharing the rent..but GOSH I guess thats NOT how it works, is it..Only HE is supposed to cough up extra money, right?? I mean, no wonder he looked at luxury places lmao…. I almost cant blame him. He made a good point.
Obviously you both want something you both like and something newer.
So obviously, if you want long term with him, now is not the time to move in together, if you cant find it palatable to pay more than half of the rent for a bit of a nicer place.
Put it off. Please.
YOU arent ready for a serious relationship..
The thought of insisting on a 50-50 split when you’re making that much more than him is WILD. If he became unemployed, would you evict him?
My husband is disabled and I have a great job, so we have an extremely large income gap. But I WANT him to be able to buy things he wants and enjoy the little bit of money he has, because that makes him happy, which is MY favorite thing in the world. And of course, he wants to contribute and feel like he’s helping me out. Since I COULD pay for everything, we worked out a deal where he’ll pay me what he’s comfortable paying every month. I asked him to come up with an amount that would 1) allow him to feel like he’s contributing; 2) leave him with enough money for “fun” and stuff that will make him happy that he doesn’t have to have a panic attack looking at his bank account every month. Because he’s not my tenent, or someone I’m trying to squeeze dry so MY savings account increases (literally at their expense); he’s my life partner, and a little less in OUR savings account is MORE than worth it.
Bottom line is: you don’t love this guy, and frankly I don’t really think you even LIKE this guy enough to move in with him. You’re already basically keeping score and you’re not even together 24/7 yet. And he’s too selfish and immature for a move-in partnership as well. You’re both going to be miserable if you keep this up. I think it’s kinda clear you’re not each other’s person. So don’t waste time you could be spending finding them. The entire situation is just silly.
Yes, a committed couple will be make it so each contributes the same proportion of their income to their shared expenses.
Usually the one earning more doesn’t want to live in a tiny flat just so that the other can afford to pay half.
As I see it, you would rather not upgrade at the moment, you’d rather live in a fairly modest place in order to save money. That’s a very smart move, and if your BF would not be paying any more than what he pays now, I don’t see how he should be angry at that.
Otherwise, he’s clearly looking to mooch.
Hmm I wrote almost the same thing just the other day… is this just another writing exercise?
I think a lot of people are being harsh on the boyfriend. I think it’s safe to assume that he just added both of your current rents together which would be $5800 and thought since there is two of you now you could both afford an increase.
Let’s remember that you make 5x what he does. Even though people are thinking he is taking the piss. His 20% increase hurts the same for him if not more even though it technically looks worse for you.
What I would say is that being the person with the higher income it’s on you to take command of the budget you would like to spend and how you intend to save. Like have an actual conversation. I think it’s fair to plan for the worse and hope for the best when thinking about buying out leases and such.
I think a huge problem is that it’s a woman being the higher earner. If it was the other way round and the girlfriend was excitedly looking for housing outside of the budget and doing all the legwork then I feel people would be hating alot less.
No one person in a relationship should just decide on their own how the finances of the couple should work. In scenario like this there are really only two options.
1. Rent is spilt 50/50 and a place is chosen based on what the person making less can afford.
2. Rent is split based on income and the place is chosen based on what what the lower income person can afford plus the amount the higher income earner can afford/is willing to spend.
Personally I’d be fine with option two if I was the higher earner if we discussed it before hand (I actually do it now). I would not be fine with it if my partner just told me that’s what we’re doing. It’s not even about the money if I can afford it. It’s about another person just deciding they have the right to make decisions for me and spend my money however they want.
I can’t imagine forcing a 50/50 split with my partner if I was earning 5X as much. He shouldn’t have assumed anything clearly, but your priorities are clearly your own financial superiority.