My ex broke up with me a little over 2 weeks ago. We had dated for about 1 year and 2 months. We initially met in college as a FWB situation but then met 6 years later and started dating. She broke up with me once before around half a year because she didn’t feel as if I was invested and wanted more reassurance and affirmation. She said words of affirmation were her love language. So I started doing that more and it was going really well.
During our relationship, a lot happened. A good friend of mine killed himself, I had major hernia surgery, and financial issues due to the economy and me helping some family out. It’s been one of the rougher years of my adult life. She’s was always there with me and there for me.
I would go to all of her family events and became apart of her friend group. We’d hang all the time and planned trips to take together. We were planning a trip to Italy for her best friends wedding and everything was getting planned out. We got the tickets, a place to stay, and all the stuff for the trip. 2 days before the trip, my dad died.
Ever since then, I’ve been in a kind of daze. Everything feels surreal. I decided to go on the trip to get my mind off of it. The first leg went really well, but as the trip started get closer to ending. I started getting panic attacks and really bad anxiety. I was getting resentful of my ex for not noticing and we had a big fight the night after the wedding. I told her essentially I didn’t feel as if she was there for me and I felt alone. I told her before the trip to just pretend like nothing happened and she did. But I didn’t realized I wanted more than that and lashed out. After that, our relationship was not the same. I had to go back home to my dads funeral and my mind was still all over the place.
She came to my dads funeral with me and I appreciated it. A few days after, we were hanging out and she seemed very distant and neutral. She got very lit up when my roommate entered the room and invited him to eat with us when we needed some alone time. We had sex that night and it was very weird. I felt very weird about it all and then told her we needed to talk the next day.
We talked and she had a list of things ready to say that she didn’t want to because of the stuff with my dad going on. I told her to just tell me because I couldn’t stand to be with her in that state. She said a bunch of mean things, some that weren’t even true. I left and we texted a bit to talk again over the in a few days.
This whole time, I still haven’t been a great mindset but had a feeling this relationship was ending and I was losing my mind. We went to dinner and it really seemed like she was about to breakup with me. We didn’t eat, left the restaurant and cried in each others arms for about 2 mins. We then went back to her place and had sex and slept over. The next day I saw her briefly and cuddled. Then 3 days later she broke up with me.
The breakup was weird, we hung out for 3 hours just talking, cuddling, and making out. I told her that I was just cutting her off completely after this(which I did). And she mentioned she’d be surprised if we don’t talk in 3 months. I told her it could be years. She told me she just never saw a future with us. I asked her to move in with me a few months ago and she was initially excited. But she realized she didn’t see a future with me so she just wanted to end it now. She said she was having these doubts around the time we’re planning out Italy trip together. Of course, there’s a bunch of other stuff but she says she thinks we were incompatible. But also stated 85% of the time we were good. Idk, she sounds very confused.
Her last relationship ended really badly after they moved in and her ex was still texting/harrassing her almost 3 years later. She never blocked him & I never asked her to but I thought that was weird.
The next day, I dropped off her key without seeing her and she sent me a text saying I could reach out anytime or never again. I ignored that initially for a few days but decided to let her know we someday going to talk again but not for a long time. She responded saying she definitely wants to catch up in the future. The first week or so, I was obsessed by this idea of doing that, but now I’m feeling more like I may never reach out again to be honest.
I was getting really close with her family, they took me on a few family trips and I would always visit. Her friends and I really got to know each other. The guys I made friends with still want to hang with me and we have a bit since. I sent her mom a text the next day and she gave me a very sweet response. I will miss her family a lot.
She hurt me more than anyone else has ever have before. In a time when the only person I wanted to be with the help me grieve, wanted nothing more just to leave me. That broke me really bad for a few days. Now I feel a bit angry towards her. I do love her but I feel as If I was being dragged along for months. I feel like looking back, I never was a priority to her and I just ignored the signs. I feel that she really only wants to see me to make herself feel better. And I know I still love her but seeing her be so ok with it being over would crush me.
So, right now I’m planning on setting a therapist I scheduled this week. I currently don’t think I’ll ever reach out, especially with the reason why she broke up with me. I feel as if she has been hiding/lying about her feelings for months. I’m trying to erase all these recent memories of our trip, where there were some very beautiful times that we had and now it all seems a bit fucked. I had no idea we were near the point of breaking up. And now life feels very fucking weird. But I’m about to move into a new house, I asked my boss about promotions, and I’m hoping one of these days I can wake up without crying my eyes out.
Any advice on what I can do to help myself move on?