So this has been bothering me for a good 6 weeks now on and off and want to get shut of it but it’s hard i just can’t let go of the what ifs. before i start I’ll split it into two parts first part was when i first saw her and this was posted on the social skills. it might be a long post but really wanted to vent it and get it all of my chest. I write a previous post on here and slightly mentioned it but thought i’d make a full post about it.First part:Hey, so ive seen her only about 3 4 times over a pretty long time . Only working part time so im not sure if she comes in more often.
But saw her tonight she smiled at me when she walked in. At the check out she was smiling at me for me personally too much lol. Then i asked to see her is for cigarettes and she froze for a good 5 or so seconds then dropped it started laughing still smiling said cya giggled walked away.Ive got better at social stuff but this baffles me personally i just see it as being friendly or shes just nervous in general which i can pick up on having anxiety myself i can read a room.
Thing is with me someone would have to throw a fridge at me to tell me theyre interested im that blind with his stuff .Anyway she came in the following Wednesday and i sort of talked to her but it was more about work stuff not being able to serve cigarettes away from the kiosk and that was really about it so not much at all but according to a work colleague who was outside at the time she was smiling on the way out.
Second part:I’ve just got in a bit of a tailspin recently off maybe it was just coincidence those two times at that time and regardless what I did she just hasn’t come back in which is the logical solution to this whole thing but i had the idea that maybe she was into see me and i did something whether it was being awkward or me coming across a certain way and she just lost interest.
Too many questions and no answers i would feel shit though if i did something that made her uncomfortable or to stop coming in because that’s not how i meant to come across at all just super shy but i do dumb shit sometimes when i’m nervous unintentionally.Anyway before i get started i just feel different at work compared to home its retail so after you’ve dealt with customers for a few hours my brain is toast.
Anyway she comes in went to the other checkout because you can only serve cigarettes there and just said the usual how you doing etc and asked how her day was but i had to serve someone on the other checkout so i turned around when she was talking to me so to me that felt rude so i just said “that’s good then” what kind of response is that to someone talking and telling you stuff it’s like putting k to a long text.
Then i just froze to be honest i wasn’t sure if she really wanted to talk or not that’s the feeling i got anyway so i then just froze up in my head because i didn’t think she wanted to talk. Although it wasn’t like she give me a one word answer, Anyway checkout breaks down with card payments as it does every night so she had to go and get cash out of atm. Now this is where i don’t know if it gets a bit grey or not as she was walking past think i looked too much i just zoned out but i was serving people so it probably couldn’t have been that long i cant remember its a blur to me now.
But to me i was worried about staring although i doubt it glances maybe quite a few times but i don’t feel comfortable looking at anyone for longer periods of time.Anyway as she leaves i just cya with a smile (not sure how this came across) and i couldn’t gauge what she might of thought she didn’t smile back. But if it came off that way it was unintentional I’m just a different person totally in that place and if I’m in anxiety mode i just lose all ability and do stupid shit like the above
.My friends think I’m overthinking it but i think I’m right. The first 2 times i saw her it was different the third time i don’t know looked to me like she didn’t want to talk but that could be me, anyway the usual time normally comes in Wednesday didn’t last week logic tells me obviously its a shop you come in when you need to. But deep down i really feel like i did something and i feel shit about it if i made someone feel that way.I think the thing I’m hung up on and my brain just wont let go are:
\-was it just sheer coincidence those two times and regardless what i did nothing would change outcome be the same because well its a shop and she just hasn’t come back in or when ive been there (comes across as a bit egotistical to me to assume she’d be in to see me now i write that)
\-read it into it wrong completely and it was one sided (probably this one)-
\- or maybe she did like me and lost interest for whatever reason
I want to let it go because it seems silly but i just cant seem to i think its because of the unknown and not knowing that is driving me crazy. I think its because i never got to know who she was a person so all the what ifs come into play. I don’t think I’ve been drawn to someone like this for years and that’s why its hard and being a deep thinker too its been very annoying because I’ve been fine for days or a week and then it’ll come back again with vengeance like it is now hence writing all of this out.
not seen her again for maybe 6 or so weeks so i think that’s it either way probably never see her again i think she just passes through and not actually from the village although she may be in different days i only work part time currently so only there 3 days.
But on to that i think after this one I really want to make a change not get caught up on stupid shit and probably just stop giving a fuck in general in a good way in terms of what people think of me etc and I’m starting on that venture although at 27 probably a little late. I don’t think it really hit me until earlier this year that i feel like I’m stuck in the anxiety cycle and getting no where like running on the spot but it all came crashing down this year definitely. I do have some good close friends i met late last year though so I’m trying to get out and do more so there is improvements.
1 comment
Use paragraphs bro