To give a little background, I’m 30(f) and for most of my life, I was extremely extroverted and always had a lot of friends. People gravitated towards me and usually liked me immediately upon meeting me. Well…. A few circumstances flipped that 180 degrees around. I got into a long term relationship in 2019 and then the pandemic hit in 2020. Not only did I gain a ton of weight during that time (from overeating and autoimmune disease), but I also didn’t socialize much because I still lived with my family and they were very anxious and high risk. This completely changed my entire personality and made me painfully introverted. I discovered the feeling of being alone and safe in my own space and suddenly forgot how to be around other people. I became really depressed because of the newly developed social anxiety and the weight gain.
I finally just started to make positive changes in my life about a year ago and got my health in order. I’m still struggling to lose the weight but I’ve definitely gained more love and confidence for myself.
I’ve been in therapy for 2 years, working through these issues. I began pushing myself the past year to reconnect with the people and friendships that I neglected and although it was nerve wracking at first, it also felt really great. However, I’m starting to realize that I am so much more considerate towards everyone else than they are to me.
People constantly interrupt me, don’t listen to what I’m saying, don’t include me in conversations or flat out ignore me. Most of this occurs in group settings, which I struggle with the most. I’ve picked up many tips from this sub, including making eye contact, listening intently to what people are saying and engaging with them, projecting my voice, showing excitement, NEVER bringing up a depressing topic and none of it is working for me. Sometimes I even get interrupted in one on one settings too and it’s infuriating. One friend interrupts constantly about something they see in the environment we’re in, like seeing a bird or a plane or something random, not even related to what I’m saying. I’ll usually just start back up with what I was saying but that doesn’t stop them from doing it 10 more times. Along with all of this, I always try to be thoughtful and remember things about people, learn about their life and interests, get them thoughtful gifts…. And literally nobody does any of that for me. They don’t try to ask about what’s happening with me or show interest in my hobbies or life and I never receive gifts from people. Side note- these people are reaching out to me to hangout most of the time….. but I really can’t even understand why they invite me just to walk all over me.
What eats at me the most is the fact that all of my life prior to 2020, it was never like this. Then I start wondering if it’s because I’m overweight. I learned firsthand 12 years ago when I was in highschool, when I lost 30 lbs, that people treat you SOOO much differently when you’re thin. Suddenly all the “popular” people were nice to me. Now, in current time since I’ve gained a bit of weight and am the biggest I’ve ever been, I feel like strangers AND my friends treat me worse. You could try to say that maybe it’s a lack of confidence on my end, but I literally started dressing nicely for my body, doing my hair and makeup, beat my depression and I never ever complain about my flaws to people, unlike all of my thin friends who constantly talk about all of the things they hate about their body…… I don’t complain about anything to be honest. Most people don’t even know the depth of my mental health struggles, or that I have any. I just try to show up happy and excited, bring good vibes and lift people up. What the fuck am I doing wrong?
I’m sorry if this sounds dumb, I’ve just been ruminating on it for weeks and I had a few social interactions this week that sent me over the edge and made me want to go back to isolating myself. Also unsure if this would be better to post in the introvert sub but I thought maybe some people here could give me insight or advice.
4 comments
Ouch. This needs paragraphs ***bad***.
I reccomend martial arts: If someone disrespects you, impose yourself and to have this confidence, martial arts is a good way.
this may be a bit of a stretch but I feel like it all might come down to the depression part
Just as you have lost some social skills during the pandemic and are struggling to regain them, many people are in the same boat. In the end, though, the why doesn’t matter as much as the effect. If it’s from their poor social skills, from your weight, from something else, the effect is all the same – they are treating you worse than you deserve and that needs to change. Don’t be afraid to tell your friends how their behavior affects you (I-statements and all that). Honestly, I feel like what you describe about your current social skills is not so much about having a good social life with people who support you (you don’t even dare tell them there’s something you’d like support with), but about being entirely inoffensive. And while that feels safe, you are also discovering the huge downside, which is that people are happy to go along with the status quo and do the minimum. If they are good friends, they will acknowledge the truth of your words and rise to the challenge. If they are bad friends, you’re better off knowing that for sure and spending your energy on making some better ones.