Me (29m) and my wife (29f) have been married for a year. Together for 3 before that. No kids. Still 25% in that honeymoon phase (yay!!) and we love each other, work well together, etc. But every so often it goes sideways for reasons I can’t explain. For example Here is one exchange from a few days ago that lead to me sleeping on the couch. It’s about buying a home decor item we looked at that had come down to a choice between two colors: she said she had no preference. I went to the store on my own.
Her: did you get the blue one?
Me: I got the purple one.
Her: [sigh] why can’t you just answer my questions? It’s as if you don’t care to listen to me.
Me: I don’t understand. I just answered you.
Her: I asked you a yes or no question and you give me a color. That’s not answering my question. It shows some real disrespect that you aren’t listening to me.
Me: But if I got the purple one, then it’s clear that I didn’t get the blue one.
Her: why is it that I have to do the work in communicating? I ask you one thing. You answer another. You put that burden on me.
Me: I just thought it was a clear either / or thing. I get that it wasn’t the yes / no you expected. But, i figured it killed two birds, answered the original while giving the end result. But, I can work on parsing down my answers to just address the specific question, leave off the extraneous stuff.
(To be fair, I do lead with information while communicating)
Her: oh, now you are dumbing it down for me! You are so condescending sometimes. It hard to be treated this way. [tears follow as she leaves the room]
Can anyone explain to me what just happened?
6 comments
Either other instances are far worse and you’re cherry-picking the best example for you possible or she’s overly sensitive and may I say obtuse.
It’s never just about the one exchange- there is always a backstory feeding into it.
You say you often lead with information when communicating, so perhaps there’s some frustration that’s building up. Did you do something wrong? No. But is something you’re doing bothering your wife? Yes. So even if you’re not wrong, still worth making an effort to communicate in a way that works for her too.
But it could be something else. Next time she calls you out in something that seems out of left field, try leading with compassion instead of explaining why you’re not wrong. “OK sorry about that – no I didn’t get the blue one. Honey you seem a little tense is everything OK?” Maybe there is something else going on stressing her that she is expressing in a weird way.
Good luck! Marriage has its hard moments!
I tend to think your wife is completely out of bounds now, you’re having a normal conversation and your wife is being nitpicky. How often does this happen? If it’s with any frequency I’d suggest marriage counseling. I personally would not be willing to try to accommodate this but that’s up to you.
You should never sleep on the couch, btw.
you dont stand up for yourself thats the real issue. fact that you let her put you on the couch shows you are a push over
I suspect it’s anxiety is about something else and this is it leaking out.
As a 50 year old dude I’d just say “oh sorry baby I’m distracted” and then later I’d try to figure out how to let them express their actual anxiety most of the time.
It’s usually the simple but vulnerable things that are hard to say, like “something hurt my feelings” , “I’m stressed out about something mundane” , or “I’m overstimulated” or “I’m bored”.
I’ll wait a while from being on the receiving end of the anxiety, because I don’t want it to seem like I’m reacting to it. And I’ll ask her what’s up, I can tell she’s stressed , she will inevitably tell me she’s fine , and then I’ll say “I know your fine but I can feel you’re holding on to some stress”. Be soft , be kind – and then usually it comes out and the leaking of anxiety stops (for a while).
I could be wrong , but that’s what it would be in my marriage with what you are describing.
Maybe you two should read a book or two on communication styles. If you both read the same book – it helps you see each other styles.
It feels like you are not necessarily doing something wrong…it is just not what was expected.
Hubby and I look at each other sometimes – and say “We are on the same team.” It helps to establish that no one is doing anything purposefully evil…you are just not communicating well. Or at least how the other one expects.
Based on this specific exchange – she seems a bit irritated of you not saying “no”. Saying I got the purple one is saying no and telling her what you did get. Efficient.
Next time – Try answering her questions first. Then offer additional information. “No, I did not get the blue one, I got the purple one”. For some reason she likes this clarity. You know she likes this communication clarity – so go ahead and communicate this way.
Why is she upset over something so trivial? You may have done something else that irritated her…and she is still upset???
“Why do I have to do all the work on communicating”? This sounds loaded – as maybe she has to do all the household organization and you are not doing much organizing /cleaning /food prep, etc. She feels loaded down with all the organization…and all the work… and doing all the work to communicate it all. Just a guess.
A key to a good marriage: Giving in on insignificant points. Why get in an argument over this? If she wants you to say yes/no to yes/no questions – then adjust a bit. “No, I did not get the blue one, I got the purple one”. Go ahead and learn to communicate that way.
I am a creative thinker…and married an engineer. I had to alter they way I communicated so he could understand. I could not be vague and subtle for him to understand. I had to be more logical and methodical in my expressions and explanations. And he had to adjust too – we both had to learn.
Another key – Don’t go to bed mad. Agree to disagree. Say – I love you…let’s tackle this topic in the morning when we are both fresh. The conversation is not coming to a conclusion tonight. I love you and care about you.
And then when all is better – be sure to have good “make up sex”. And buy her flowers – only $20 at the supermarket.