Long term relationship & bars

18 comments

1. I think going to bars and being drunk is probably normal for someone in their late 20s/early-to-mid 30s. I’m not sure if it’s normal for people with kids.

   You and your partner just have different ideas of fun.

   You need to figure out why it makes you upset.

   Is it because he’s out later than you usually are with your friend?

   Is it because he’s way more inebriated than you usually tend to get?

   Is it the frequency?

   Is it that you’re worried he will cheat?

   Is it that you feel that the childcare burden is mostly left on you?

2. I think this sort of thing depends on your relationship and how you want it to be. I have been married twice as long but I kept no buddys but I’m a gamer so its never mattered to me as all my guy friends are online.

   As for my wife..i think shes gone out maybe 4 times and been back before 9pm. Shes gone out to catch up with old friends either from school or work. But clearly its a rare event not a weekly thing. I think I would feel bothered and uncomfortable if it was a weekly or biweekly thing.

   I do believe a grown adult should learn to control his drinking, so I personally see it as immature of him to do that at 29 with a family waiting. Perhaps thats whats bothering you. That hes going out without self control.

3. I totally get where you’re coming from. Have you voiced your opinion to him? You should really have a talk with him as ever couple have their separate ways to deal with this. It’s normal to some and to some it’s not.

4. Getting completely obliterated is a turnoff for me in women, I’m 33 by the way, so I can understand why you feel this way.

5. What’s unrealistic is that he thinks it’s normal to come back shitfaced every couple weeks.

6. I know when I am stressed the next drink is wayyy more tempting. When I am calm and happy I can leave a drink half finished and feel perfectly content. I personally have a problem with over drinking when I am under stress. It has led to some really bad hangovers. I’ve learned to just not drink when I know I am stressed. It just isn’t worth it. I go exercise instead or go on a ‘nature walk’. I also go home right after dinner if I’m out with friends and know I am running ragged that week. It has been known to upset the friends, but I just can’t do that to my health.

   Is he under a lot of pressure? Is it harder for him to stop drinking once he’s gotten started when he is stressed? He may need to figure out some different coping strategies to deal with stress. Or just avoid going out with these friends in particular.

7. I appreciate you all. Thank you for your thoughts.

8. In some relationships this is fine, and in others it isn’t. There is no one set of rules that applies to everyone. If this bothers you, figure out why and then talk about it with him.

   For the record, it would bother me.

9. Buy him a big bag of weed to smoke instead.

10. Ever see people post about how a relationship isn’t 50/50, it’s 100/100? Well, the reason that math works is because you are two people living two lives. That adds up to 200, even if the split is often more like 150/50. Plus with a child it is actually 300. So yes, going out with friends and having a life separate from each other is fine as long as it is not detrimental to your life together.

    Getting super drunk isn’t fine.

    I am not a teetotaler, I mean I *like* going downtown with my spouse and having a pubcrawl or going wine tasting. But getting out of control? Why? Is he trying to forget something, or trying to recapture his college days? Or does he just have an alcohol problem and shouldn’t be going out with a friend that is not going to help him keep it under control?

11. It doesn’t matter whether it’s “normal” for other people. It bothers *you*. Sit down and have a conversation about time away from parenting, time out with friends, how it impacts the other when you take time away, etc, and come to a reasonable agreement you both can live with.

    Oh, and my spidey senses are tingling here: does your boyfriend actually do just as much of the parenting work as you? Does he do as much as you in terms of maintaining/cleaning the home, etc? Because somehow I wonder.

    ​

    ETA: So, OP, you totally buried both ledes here. One is that ***your dude is an alcoholic.*** Two is that you are working three full-time jobs (going to grad school, working, and caring for a kid) while he is barely working one.

    You need to be prepared to demand a radical overhaul in your relationship, yesterday. Tell him there are some visits in store for the two of you: couples’ counseling, addiction treatment, family lawyer. If he chooses the first two, he might stave off the third. Frankly, it doesn’t look good. He’s so addicted to alcohol it’s starting to affect his work (you say he calls in sick to work.) And since you’ve also said that you’ve argued over this and even threatened separation over this, you may already have your answer.

12. People tend to think alcoholism only exists if people drink daily. There is another version. I’ve dated this guy. Didn’t have a kid with him, thank goodness. It took me a long time to realize how unfair I was being to myself. Go to Al-Anon and you’ll see for yourself. This is the deceptive version. It won’t get better from here. If you two sit down together and make a game plan, stick to it firmly. He has work to do to get free, if he is going to. Otherwise, you need to get free. Someone is counting on you to make hard choices that may improve both your lives. I hate this for you and your kid. Good luck.

13. People tend to think alcoholism only exists if people drink daily. There is another version. I’ve dated this guy. Didn’t have a kid with him, thank goodness. It took me a long time to realize how unfair I was being to myself. Go to Al-Anon and you’ll see for yourself. This is the deceptive version. It won’t get better from here. If you two sit down together and make a game plan, stick to it firmly. He has work to do to get free, if he is going to. Otherwise, you need to get free. Someone is counting on you to make hard choices that may improve both your lives. I hate this for you and your kid. Good luck.

14. Go to Al-anon. Answering questions like this, as well as what you can do about it, is their entire reason for existing. At least check out the sub.

15. My parents got blasted maybe once a quarter while raising me. They were party people before raising me, so when I was old enough they had fun with their old friends every now and then.

    I suspect your upset comes from the fact you could not do the same and if you did he would probably be pissed and expect you to deal with the childcare when you returned.

    You two need to communicate with your partner and both of you should come to a compromise that works for the two of you. Maybe he’s only allowed to get blasted once or twice a year. Maybe you want him to cut back on drinks all together. Maybe you want to get blasted at the same frequency at him.

    Don’t think about what normal is. Think about what you can do to keep you and your partner happy in your relationship. Also consider the responsibilities in the relationship that the two of you have (the kid).

    If he really wants to do this once in awhile telling him he can never drink will not make things better. It will build resentment. Figure out what you both need, figure out a compromise that works for the two of you. Maybe you need him to just not come home blasted, so he sleeps on his friend’s sofa instead. Then he weighs if he wants to sleep on a sofa or go home and sleep with you before he starts drinking too much.

16. A 29 year old father getting blotto drunk every other week is NOT okay.

17. Sounds like he may have an issue with binge drinking. Trust me from experience as a ‘former’ drinker that getting that drink doesn’t lead to food places. Unfortunately, it’ll be difficult for you to make him change. He’s gonna have to want to do it for himself once the drinking starts to impact his relationships and/or career. Took me years to get there.

    Wish you all the best 🙏🏻

18. So you’re dating an alcoholic who is unsurprisingly a terrible partner. I think you will find that you will have less stress and responsibilities if you leave him.