I think my wife and I’s marriage has hit an end, after almost 10 years.
The past year has been harder than ever. We moved to another state. My younger brother killed himself. My wife’s grandmother died suddenly shortly their after. We have barely been holding together at the seams, for the sake of our 2.5 year old daughter.
Lately I am so burnt out I feel like my mind is splitting into two parts. I’m the sole income provider, my wife stays home. I work 50-60hrs/week minimum at a well paying job in an expensive city in New England.
I work my ass off for us. The moment I walk in the door after work, I hit the chores. Dishes, cleaning, cooking dinner, walking the dog, playing with the toddler, bathing her, brushing her teeth, etc. My wife will typically half heartedly help, like turn on the TV for my daughter and browse her phone while I cook. (It’s not that she wouldn’t cook if I asked, it’s just that the effort isn’t there. There will typically be a massive mess in the kitchen for some half-assed meal like stale turkey and cheese sandwiches.)
Days off are the same. I’ve grown accustomed to this.
The breaking point is the fact that my life is so much easier, relaxing, and relieving when she isn’t around. The past few weekends, I’ve just asked her to leave my daughter and I for the day so I can get a break; from her.
My daughter is an angel when she isn’t around. She helps, plays, listens, is confident, self-assured, and feels satisfied with her achievements. When my wife is home she is the opposite; she’s needy, defiant, lazy, and gives up on most before getting upset and angry. My wife consistently enables it. I attempt to open a dialog and am shunned for being critical of her parenting.
Saturday I just begged her to leave us. Just please, please go. Spend whatever you need to stay gone for the day. She left from 7am-7pm, who knows what she was doing. I don’t care. I just needed her gone so I could spent time with my daughter and get things done.
I thought it was ironic that she got home to a satisfied child; not a restless one. A clean home; not one in shambles. A dinner cooked and ready to eat; with no mess to clean.
She was able to come home, sit down, eat dinner, and kiss my daughter goodnight before relaxing on the couch. I haven’t been able to do this for months. I’m so, so very done. Our sex life and intimate relationship can’t keep us glued anymore.
7 comments
I don’t think this relationship is necessarily at an end point. From your post, and I can only weigh in based on that; it sounds like there is a lack of communication of needs/wants/expectations, a ton of grief that is being suppressed, and your wife possibly silently living through PPD.
All of those are heavy topics to go through with one another and you both might have some resentment. While therapy is a pretty Penny, it would be worth it – if not for the sake of moving past this hill, then do it for the co-parenting that will come with a divorce
Okay Brother male here married for over 30 years. Honestly I don’t want to say too much here. There are plenty of ways to fix this unfortunately I cannot say them here. So I will say this, there are 2 books you need to get and read. One is called, “No More Mr. Nice Guy, by Robert Glover.” The other is, “The Way of the Superior Man, by David Deida.”
Now I will say this. Stop trying to please your wife. As men in a relationship we tend to think logically, if I do X and say Y, I should get Z. Wrong? Women, especially in a relationship are guided by their feelings. She feels she doesn’t have to do shit, because you will. You want her to do her actual job as a mother and a stay at home wife, then you need to be a bit of an ass. She is getting away with this because you are allowing her to. You need to take back your role as a leader. The reason she does not give a shit is because she does not respect you. Do you hear that? She does not respect you! If she did, she would not be doing this shit! There are no consequences for her bad behavior. You need to take back your leadership role. How, you ask. Read those 2 books and stand your ground! She might not like it, but she will respect you.
Think about what your day was like when your wife wasn’t there. It could be like that every day. All you need to do is put it in motion.
Sounds like you are finished. Your wife is a cake eater. File.
Sounds familiar.
PM me if you’d like to talk.
Being a stay at home parent is a full time job and she is not pulling her weight in the marriage. You should be coming home to a tidy home, hot meals and a child who is on a schedule. When I was a stay at home wife and mother I saw it as my job and I got everything done. For a time my husband was on medical leave and I worked. He did the same for me. I came home to a clean home, dinner and kids bathed, homework done and ready to be tucked in. You can’t just stay home and flake on all responsibilities. If you are not programed to stay home, go work and hire a housekeeper and child care provider. Choosing to be a stay at home mom means you are responsible for the house. You work a full time job and shouldn’t have to come home to a messy home and no dinner. It’s not a gender thing, male or female, whoever stays home is responsible for the home. A marriage ia a team and your wife is being a crap team mate.
Why doesn’t you wife work instead of staying at home? It doesn’t sound like it’s her jam at all.