Most people, most of the time, don’t care what you say.
The actual words and sentences don’t matter.
It’s the intention behind the words.
The energy. The vibe. That’s it.
​
I used to hate when people would talk about weather.
“It’s hot out here today!” they’d say.
And I’d think to myself, “No shit. Don’t you have anything better to talk about? Why the fuck does everyone keep saying how hot it is outside? We all obviously know this.”
Now I realize all those people wanted to connect with me. I was being closed off and arrogant.
These days I just feel into people’s energy, and I don’t focus on mentally understanding the words they’re saying. It’s just a bunch of noise. I feel the underlying energy and respond playfully.
Amazingly, my social interactions are 100x better. People actually enjoy having me around.
Is this super obvious to most people? As a neurotic intellectual, it wasn’t to me.
27 comments
Good for you… Thanks for sharing
Great post you got there!
niceee
I have the same mistake and I’m trying to be better..
We all do have flaws. We just need to figure out how to be better at it day by day.
I have the exact same issue and never understood why people spoke about trivial topics that are obvious….I actually want to know about them rather than chat about superficial topics.
But like you said, for some people it’s their way of connecting.
I’ve thought similar thoughts before about people talking about mundane or obvious things and thought they were just half-ass trying to make conversation so I didn’t feel left out or lonely.
Both are important but I don’t even realize this either I just kind of knew
Love this! I can definitely relate. That was my mindset for most conversation. “Why the fuck would I care?” And vise versa – this closed me off from sharing any info about myself because I always thought “why the fuck would they care?”. This is really well worded though. I appreciate this post. Thank you for articulating this for me haha.
How to win friends and influence people is a book that includes many tips similar to this.
The book was written in 1934, and was based on classes taught by the author so the concepts are over 90 years old but still relevant.
I was a non-vibe, words only person. In the book the author says to never correct peoples simple mistakes – which is also what your saying. If someone says a word wrong, or even a fact wrong, don’t correct them – correcting them changes the vibe of the conversation, and most likely ruins it. No one wants to know that they are wrong, even death row inmates think that they’re the center of their life story and see others as being wrong.
This is how I used to interact then I got homeschooled and lost my social skills. I’m slowly realizing this again and I agree, the interactions are much better, much natural
Like S11 E5 of It’s Always Sunny when Dennis gets progressively upset at being told “it sure is a hot one today” by his neighbor. Sorry that was my first thought lol.
But on a serious note I realized this recently myself. Sometimes connections can be so small yet so meaningful. A stranger told me recently “You can’t expect a good day, you have to make it a good day! Whether it be attitude, mindset, or the activities you may or may not chose to do. It’s up to you”
Shit, I’m the same age and I’ve done this way too many times. I guess that’s what happens when you’ve closed yourself off thanks to years of depression and anxiety, and fearing having an interaction with someone. I’ve probably come off as a cold hearted person to those people 😕
Then, I try to change by commenting on things what someone’s wearing. Like, “hey, I like your shirt”, and I oddly get a weird, cold response.
I really want to be better at this like you are. I often worry people don’t want me around.
It wasn’t obvious to me growing up. I took things literally. I didn’t realize until I took an improv comedy class that in reality, the social interaction is just throwing shit at a wall to see what sticks. And even after that it took years to really figure out how to look beyond the superficial and just start stirring the pot for its own benefit. Kinda like cooking for me. Baking is science, but cooking is just throwing shit together until you learn what combines well. Sometimes it’s great, sometimes it’s just ok. Sometimes it’s too salty. But you can learn and improve.
I felt that way when I was younger and at some point made the switch and could talk abput the weather. Connecting as you say to a random stranger can truly be a joy and more than that, a way to spread that joy everywhere you go. Doesn’t even need to be words, spreading good vibes and being polite etc and using tone of voice to communicate respect with cashiers etc. And I have had a ton of interesting convos with strangers, not saying it is all weather..
All these ‘small’ interactions really are our society and culture and workd and we each have the power to make it better in these small ways..
>I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
-Maya Angelou
This is relationship therapy in a nutshell. If you are angry, it doesn’t matter what you say, the other person will just focus on your anger. This leads to arguments spiraling out of control. If you speak with love and empathy, they will hear that and respond in kind. It’s hard to have an argument when the other party refuses to be angry as well.
This is only partially true. It’s not necessarily that people don’t care about what you say, more so it’s that lacking substance is better than being unpleasant.
Nearly everyone’s preference will be someone both pleasant and interesting.
I’m the opposite – i’ll remember the ‘vibe’ of a conversation but almost nothing about the words. It means I’ll never remember details eg directions given to me or a person’s name, but i’ll forever remember that a person was friendly but hurried, or they seemed anxious or that they were hiding something.
Same, it was so hard to wrap my head around why anyone would enjoy conversation that wasn’t efficient or was fluffy with unnecessary phrases and emotions, since to me, those conversations bring no value. So like you I always overthought what I should say, and avoided smalltalk. Now I realize that 99% of talking people do, is done not for the purpose of being efficient or solving problems, but are fluff that’s said for the purpose of spending time together.
It sure is getting hot out here in San Diego.
Monkeys do grooming, humans talk about the weather. It’s all about connection and social bonds.
This is probably the best post I’ve seen on here. I resonate with this a lot.
I’ve had multiple coworkers now casually ask “hey queasydream! 🙂 So when did you get here today?”
“Oh I think 8 (wondering why the fuck they keep asking me this annoying question whenever they see me)..?”
“Nice! When you off?“
“In an hour or so”
“Awesome!…”
*I walk away*
They were also trying to connect with me. I was too annoyed by their seemingly redundant and pointless questions to really realize it.
The vibe matters more than words. The way people react to how I speak is an extreme example of this.
I have a speech impediment and I never sound like a calm fluent person. At any given moment, I can either sound like an angry fluent person or an ordinary stuttering person. The more I try to not stutter, the more I sound angry. The more I let stutter happen, unintentional angry vibe goes away.
As soon as I let stutter happen, people’s interaction with me got better.
are we all just autistic here 😭😭😭😭
I had a similar epiphany when I learned about the metamessage of communication. A metamessage is contained not in the actual word or meaning of what you’re saying, but more in the act of saying it. If you ask someone how much they’ve had to drink for example, you’re not just looking for a quantity. Here are some of the metamessages here depending on context: “you’re driving home and I’m concerned.” “You have a drinking problem so I need to keep an eye on you.” “You do foolish things when you drink so I don’t want you to drink too much.”
A question like “can you read?” can have different contexts too: “You’re a young child and I care enough to help you.” “You’re an ignorant adult and I want to humiliate you with your answer.” “Of course you can read. You’re a genius and I’m trying to make you laugh.”
Metamessages can catch people off guard when people react negatively to something they say or are trying to communicate in a discreet way.
Still stuck on the idea that people don’t really care what u have to say but are rather just waiting for their chance to talk
There is a common trap that can arise when listening for intent vs content. Namely, lack of accountability for the speaker.
When you listen for intent, it’s easy to let go of the words people use, so they’re able to say “that’s not what I meant” and you are more ready to believe them.
However, if you marry listening for intent, while accepting the words communicated and digesting those too, you turn on your bullshit detector and can more readily hold people accountable, while predicting behavior and potential outcomes.
When we go back to your example of “it sure is hot out here”, you nailed it: there’s an attempt at a micro-connection. I would argue that being able to engage in this set of small talk isn’t necessarily “listening for intention”. Instead, it’s a separate skill all together. If you crave deeper conversation topics with people, then start with the small talk and share something slightly more deep about yourself.
Them: “It sure is hot out here today”
You: “Yeah, I planned on doing X, but I think it needs to wait. You ever do X? / Know when a good day to do X this week is?”
Then: …answers and the convo continues or ends.
Now you’ve made them feel helpful and you’re more like able. Pair this with learning 1 or 2 things that people in your consistent circles (work, school, friends) have done and 1 or 2 things they’re going to do and you might find yourself slowly becoming more charismatic with a greater fulfillment from those small talk moments.