As the title says, my [24m] girlfriend [24f] of three years has a condition that makes penetrative sex extremely painful. It wasn’t very present our first year or so together, so we used to have sex pretty frequently. Then there came a month when it began to get very painful for her, and PIV sex pretty much became eliminated as an option. In addition to this, the chronic pain has severely damaged her sex drive, so even when she’s pleasuring me, I don’t feel the raw emotional connection I crave from sexual contact.
She deserves a lot of credit in that she is constantly talking to doctors and therapists about how to get to the root of this issue, and has told me she’s committed to getting better. She also is very good about making efforts to have sexual contact in the ways we can. That being said, it still doesn’t fulfill my sexual needs, and I am left often yearning for more.
We’ve recently attended some couple’s counseling, and while I’ve found the sessions helpful, I’m wondering what else I can do to keep myself sane in this time. I don’t have an insanely high sex drive, but it is high enough that this situation has become agonizing for me at times. Other than masturbating, I don’t know how to relieve the stress this creates for me mentally. I love her a lot and leaving the relationship is out of the question for me. I just would like to know what I can do to make this time easier on myself.
TL;DR: I need coping strategies to deal with our lack of sex in this difficult time
3 comments
In situations like this, I like to think about worst case scenario and then work backwards from there. Let’s say this is a physical condition that does not have an end date. What would you do while also committing to staying in the relationship?
If you’re not sure what you’d do, that means you need to have a conversation with your girlfriend to fill in the gaps in that answer. Having that question answered could go a long way toward helping with this time-ache you have for a future solution, and can be very insightful about then answering the question “so scaling back— what do we adjust about that answer to do in the meantime?”
Perhaps a toy like a Fleshlight may be a good solution, however I’d have that discussion with her first.
> She deserves a lot of credit in that she is constantly talking to doctors and therapists about how to get to the root of this issue, and has told me she’s committed to getting better. She also is very good about making efforts to have sexual contact in the ways we can.
This sounds like basically a best-case scenario to me.
You didn’t even mention the possibility of asking her to be able to get satisfaction from other people, which is probably for the best, she would most likely feel terrible and it would make everything worse.
The best coping strategies are probably ways that focus on:
(A) making sure you (both) are getting enough intimacy in general, that you don’t start avoiding touch because of lack of sex, and
(B) making the most out of the sexual contact you do have, in other words dealing with the problem you mentioned in this quote:
> the chronic pain has severely damaged her sex drive, so even when she’s pleasuring me, I don’t feel the raw emotional connection I crave from sexual contact.
I think you should bring that up with her and also, since you are already going to counseling together (great!) ask for advice together about that. Get on the same page with her first.
Also I dont really go there but I think /r/sex might be able to help you.