I hope this is the right place for this. You see lately, I’ve been thinking back a bit on my childhood and kind of realizing that my mother said some pretty hurtful things to me growing up. I only just remembered some of these things, but I think they really impacted me and thinking of them still stings, even today. At the same time, I love my mother so much. She is more than my mother, she is basically my best friend and confidant. I would **never** say she abused me, but at the same time (like I said) some of the stuff she’s done/said over the years has really hurt me. It’s left me feeling confused and conflicted, because I genuinely believe my mother is a good mother but looking back I’ve realized some stuff she said may have been out of line. Stuff like “You don’t wanna live at home forever, do you? Be like your uncle, in his 70s and still living at home with his mother.” Another example I guess would be a few times when I was little, when she (and I think one time my father) got frustrated with me for crying/getting upset and told me that I was “acting like a drama queen” or something.
I confess, I was a very high maintenance child. I don’t know why, but for as long as I can remember I’d always been very anxious, sensitive, clingy, and shy. I caused my poor parents so much stress because of how needy I was, and how prone I was to throwing temper tantrums/crying. I also had separation anxiety, and not the normal kind that all toddlers have or that kids get when in new situations. I had such separation anxiety that I couldn’t even go on school field trips without my mom. If I wasn’t able to find her or my dad right away when at home, I’d fly into a panic and run around the house screaming their names at the top of my lungs until I found one of them or one of them found me. (I’m so embarrassed, god that was hard to write.)
Like I said I was also very sensitive, prone to temper tantrums and getting my feelings hurt. I couldn’t bear the thought of my mother being angry with me, so when she yelled at me for not picking up my toys or something like that, I was quick to burst into tears and apologize. For some reason it terrified me, the thought of my parents being angry with me. I wonder if a part of me was afraid (irrationally) of losing their love/support? That if they yelled at me they wouldn’t love me as much or anymore? This was a problem when my mother stayed mad and didn’t forgive me right away, as I’d keep apologizing until she did. It also meant that I had a hard time disagreeing with or defying my parents sometimes. I was a real hassle to deal with once I reached adolescence, too, when I was first diagnosed with anxiety disorder and struggle with frequent panic attacks. This is getting a bit long though so I’ll leave it at that.
**TL;DR:** I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m having a hard time reconciling my love for my mother and deep appreciation of all that she’s done for me with some of the hurtful things she’s said/done over the years that I believe may have had a significant impact on me and still haunt me to this day. Has anyone here ever been in a similar situation? If so, how did you handle it?
I don’t want to believe that my mother abused me, I don’t think she did, she is a good mother! But… I can’t help but wonder sometimes if part of my current day issues with self-esteem stem somewhat from her and a certain other person that I’d rather not get into right now. Can a parent be good and loving but also say some rather hurtful, psychologically damaging things to their children? I don’t think my mother really meant the things she said. I think generally it was out of frustration/anger, maybe even concern. But it’s hard to forget those words, nonetheless. Thank you to all that read this far (even if you only read the TL;DR part lol) and thanks in advance to anybody willing to offer advice/assurance about this!
3 comments
It’s entirely possible to have a childhood where you were cared for in every sense of the word with parents who would not be deemed as abusers but who were also guilty of emotional neglect.
You can be looked after, fed, clothed, watered, go on vacation, but if your emotional needs aren’t met you go on to become an anxious individual with a poor view of oneself.
A person who finds it extremely hard to value themselves and who becomes someone who prefers to people please and put the needs of others above their own.
In emotionally healthy homes, children are listened to and they are asked what their needs are. They are given boundaries that are easy to understand. They are encouraged and taught to make boundaries for themselves.They go on to develop a healthy sense of self and have fulfilling relationships.
Their boundaries get their needs met and keep them safe.They do this, because they were taught this as children.
.In emotionally neglectful homes, children aren’t allowed to state their needs and if they do they are ignored, made to feel shame, or laughed at. Boundaries are either non existent or so strict they are impossible to keep. Punishment follows and no positive lessons are learned. The only lessons learned are that no one listens and they are not worthy of being listened to.
If any of this resonates and you would like me to continue then do say. I just want to make sure that I’m not barking up the wrong tree, or that this is too much for you to cope with.
So, I’m no psychologist and I only have my own experience to go off of here. But here’s by 2 cents: It’s possible for your parents to provide for your needs and love you while still screwing you up. Love doesn’t automatically mean good parenting. Parents aren’t perfect, and even the most loving and caring parents can manage to screw up their kids. Your parents almost definitely screwed you up, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love you.
Now I’ll be honest, having to constantly apologize to your mother if you made her mad, *as a child,* sounds outrageous to me. It kind of sounds like something a narcissist would do, but I don’t know your mom so I won’t jump to conclusions. In any case, I’d be flabbergasted if I saw a mother who could stay mad at her child that long, especially for something as typical as not cleaning up or throwing a temper tantrum. Normal child stuff. It doesn’t matter how high maintenance you were, parenting involves dealing with all that in a healthy way.
Anyways. My grandparents screwed both my parents up a lot. My parents have explained it to me like this: Their parents are good people (well, 3/4 are). But they were shitty parents. They love their kids, and their kids love them, but they’ve since realized that love isn’t enough to be a good parent. They really should’ve taken a parenting class (or 2, or 3, or 100) before having kids. Parents are people and they fuck up and hurt their kids. It’s not okay, but that’s just how it is. Now that they’re all adults, they can speak to each other and move forward as equals, rather than parent/child, and it’s better for everyone.
Your mother undoubtedly fucked up in parenting. Even if she did a lot right, she did at least *some* stuff wrong. Maybe a lot wrong, I don’t know. And being upset at those things she did wrong is okay. Healthy probably, since it’s letting you trace the causes of some issues that still plague you. But you can still love her for the stuff she did right. Love and anger can coexist.
Your feelings are very valid. I know so many people in your position. Unfortunately baby boomer parents all seem to have some version of this. Also I want to say this now a someone who has an abusive mother who I’ve confronted: a lot of abusive parents actually don’t believe they’re wrong and they justify all their actions in their heads so it’s a toigh journey thinking they’ll one day apologize and see how they fell short. Some abusive parents consider their children intellectual equals and really see it is a perfectly balanced two way street that it’s simply not. “you were a difficult child so I said those things to you” is something they must convince you and themselves to sleep at night.
Over and over again you keep calling yourself needy and high maintenance. Ideally in those first few years of life this is the state of most human beings, it’s not some pathology. It’s up to the parent to recognize this helpless creature needs love and guidance and mentoring.