After 4 years, I realised that I’m in a toxic relationship.

So this might be a little long cause I’m basically venting out here (don’t do that with anybody I know).
I have been dating this guy since almost 4 years now. I have never really put in so much efforts for anyone till date.
Over the years he has given me many reasons to not trust him:

– lied often
– flirted with other women
– prioritised talking to her ex over me when she texted (his explanation: she texts once in a blue moon while you’re always there) I mean, I’m not toxic and I understand exes can be friends but what’s the need to get so excited everytime. FYI, I’m not in touch with any of my exes, I don’t even entertain people who hit on me.
– gaslighting, making me feel shit since day 1 (I was casually searching for a dish recipe on his YouTube when I saw the last searched video was “how to increase breast-size naturally?” I’m a petite woman so that really hurt. Also, when we went for a holiday to Thailand, he was more interested in checking out other girls than enjoying with me. He is also low key the reason why I got a nose job cause he thought that the hump on my nose didn’t look good)

You might think I’m an idiot for sticking around knowing that there are so many red flags. Well, I tried breaking it off when I caught him flirting with a married woman who was his neighbor (she initiated it first tho, I told him she is hitting on him, he ignored me). So I broke up. But 4-5 days later, he kept crying and begging me to get back, I caved. And there are a lot of nice things he does too but I have started to realise that that’s bare minimum.

I lost my dad (who I wasn’t very close to) last year and I sad+angry+ lost+ guilty cause I had so many mixed feelings. I didn’t know how to process them. He did the bare minimum (like visiting my house with food, talking to my mom etc. which I really appreciated) but the emotional support was lacking. Like he is the person I speak to the most and same with him, but he is a really bad listener. He legit told me after 3-4 months to move on, it happens to a lot of people and you can’t crib over it forever. Which is practical ofc but still hurt.

Also, I’m great friends with all his friends and his sister. He has never really made any efforts to be friends with my people (my people don’t like him tho).

Now, after all this we did stick together and a couple of days back he told me, he doesn’t really see a future with me cause he is never sure of me. I asked him, why? He told me “the kind of person you are, and the way you behave never lets me be sure of you.” He was referring to my bouts of anger. (FYI, I work two jobs and manage my home, family and I’m only 25; I wasn’t prepared to take such a responsibility yet. I’m not complaining, it just gets overwhelming at times and he is financed by his father completely so ofc it’s chill with him.) and it’s not I go crazy when I’m angry or hurt, I just keep it inside me and it keeps on bugging me for days. That gets a little annoying for people around me, I agree and I’m working on it. But it always hurts when he talks like “someday when you have a husband…”, “when we break up…”, “I’d let my wife….”

Also, I have never been depended on him for anything but companionship and unconditional love/ support. I pay my own bills, even when we were living together, I’d split everything. Also, I feel he kind of judged me for not being “rich rich”. Like he isn’t filthy rich either but comes from a well to do family whereas since a year I have been managing everything on my own. He thinks his brother has hit a jackpot because the girl he is dating is very pretty (Atleast In pictures) and very rich. (So his brother should never let her go- according to my boyfriend). And whenever his sister would ask about my job/ salary- he would exaggerate the amount while telling her. I find that kinda offensive.

Anyway, there’s a lot more but I don’t think anybody would even read this much. I just wanted to vent. If any advice, I’d be more than happy to read 🙂