I just honestly don’t understand women on dating apps (I’m a man shocker) and I genuinely want to understand. 90% of the time I match with a girl, I get no response. 5% of the time that I do get a response it’s like 2 words. If it were graded in school it wouldn’t be considered a full sentence. And then after those two words is silence forever. The other 5% is just miscellaneous interactions. I think out of the hundreds of matches I’ve had I’ve only really talked to one girl and we didn’t work out (which is totally fine btw). And I just want to understand why dating on these apps is so convoluted and upside down. I have a male friend who gets matches (better looking than me but we’re both well Above average just for context) but he is not interested in any of the girls. He just has game and half the time he uses “abusive rizz” (he coined the term) and every time he did that it always leads to something. He gets the chance and he genuinely sees no future in 99% of the girls he goes out with before he meets them.
Ive also spoken to a lot of girls and a lot of them say they just use it for attention and don’t use it seriously. Even the apps that are for “more serious dating”. It really just boggles my mind and infuriates me. I genuinely just want to meet and talk to people on a real level but I can’t even get full sentences.
Can anyone explain why this is to me? Am I crazy? I’ve already given up on the apps a long time ago but even when I just use hinge and try something, it never works out. We make plans just for them to make an excuse. Eventually they’re just like “oh follow my ig, I suck at responding here” when it’s complete Bs cuz they were just find before hand.
Please no gaslighting me into thinking I’m the problem when I’ve literally don’t absolutely nothing wrong. Just genuine answers or personal experience would be amazing.
19 comments
you’re not crazy. i agree that most people on dating apps use them for attention, validation or some sort of dopamine inducing feeling. personally, i tried dating apps but at the end of the day most interactions feels forced, shallow or very surface level. i don’t really like the artificial aspect of it all. i don’t find conversations of there really natural, because you kind of know that most people are there for some selfish reason. i feel like the abusive rizz works because it’s something out of the ordinary that catches your attention. i’ve gone on dates with guys like that, but honestly i never really thought there will be anything more with them or had high expectations.
I feel you. When I get matches sometimes I have really good conversations then the woman says oh have you got Instagram we can speak on there. We move over to Insta and they completely change and in the space of an hour say that they don’t think it’s gonna work out.
The reason the apps are like this are because of the ways we use them. The majority of guys get comparatively few matches. The reasons for this vary, but a lot of it comes down to various issues of socialization, profile/picture quality, perceived effort (which isn’t the same as actual effort), etc.
But because men tend to get so few matches, they tend to see using the apps as “a numbers game” where you want to swipe right on as many people as you can to maximize the chance that one of them swiped right on you and becomes a match. There’s some truth to this line of thinking, but the end result is that most women end up with thousands upon thousands of likes on every app. Subsequently, that means that women end up matching with a HUGE percentage of profiles that they swipe right on, and end up with very long queues of men they’ve matched with.
It can be exhausting, trying to sort through all that, come up with a unique and interesting message for everyone, and decide who is worth talking to and who isn’t. When I first started dating my girlfriend and we looked at each others profiles out of curiosity, she had like 3200 likes and over 100 matches going back 3-4 months. Dozens of them were just vulgar messages or dickpicks, and dozens more were just the same “hi” that you find so frustrating.
This is an enormously complex question, but ultimately the issue with dating apps is they way they commoditize dating. We just swipe through these profiles like we’re looking at products in a catalogue, and people are so quick to swipe on to the next person, because there might be a better product on the next page. Instead of thinking about the actual person in front of us, we think about how much greener the grass might be if we keep swiping.
Considering the gender disproportionality, the girls are probably looking for perfect guys.
And, dating apps might be using bots to try and get in your wallet.
Frankly, dating apps are worthless. Out of everyone I know who has used them, only 5 people have actually found a relationship. Or had at least gone on a few dates.
I’ve not had much success, dating as a gay man isn’t easy since most men just want a hook up, or also just don’t respond or don’t actually carry a conversation to make the date worth it. You’re better off just trying at local hobby locations. Places where you ought to meet folk.
I’ve always interpreted low/no effort = low/no interest when it comes to chats on the apps. Not everyone is super selective about who they swipe right on; sometimes you might see someone who you think is alright, and you swipe because why not. But then it’s only after you match with them that you really think about it and have a change of heart. Either that or they are on the fence and you have to chat a bit before they open up. But this rarely happens, in my experience. If a woman has a low interest level from the beginning, you’ve got an uphill battle to try and raise it. And even then, it could all be for nothing. It’s better to just focus on the ones that are participating in the conversation, asking questions, and overall just seem to be into you from the beginning. There are also some people that are just on the apps for attention, but my low/no effort = low/no interest rule should help weed those out quickly, as well.
You’re not crazy and your female friends are correct about how most women use dating apps. I think you also find a lot of inactive profiles that were just left up whenever the women got sick of the app.
But there are women who do genuinely use dating apps to find relationships. I know because I’m one of them. I’m sure there are also women who use them to find hookups if that’s what you’re into, though I think that’s rarer. The numbers just aren’t in your favor so it takes some time and effort.
P.S. your friend sounds like an insufferable douchebag.
Bro, youre not alone in this. I think you share the same exact experience as the vast majority of men on there. If you want to see something interesting, go look up some data, and you’ll kind of understand why. I seen some studies that show that 100% of women chase after the same 30% of men, so in essence, 70% of men that use dating apps get little to no chance. On the flip side, the vast majority of men are pretty even and equal with the women they go after on there.
This is a common experience for men. Something you have to factor in is that the ratio of men to women on dating apps is something like 7:3. The odds are stacked pretty high against you intrinsically.
Dating apps are terrible for looking for serious relationships let alone casual encounters. Approach women in public and you’ll have better success.
I would like to answer this part of your question “ Am I crazy ?”
YES, YOU ARE!
Nature did not intend for man and woman to interact digitally from a sexual perspective, hence the first two humans who arrived on the earth did not have cell phones.
By relying on online dating service to find a partner, you are doing yourself a disservice.
It takes more than looking at cute pictures and swiping right to establish a connection with people. Far more !
While you might hear successful stories of couples getting married after meeting on dating apps, such occurrence is rare and unique.
You are crazy for denying nature to rely on artificial hope for finding yourself a partner.
Sorry, guy, but you do need to start talking to people face to face.
Why use dating apps? Start talking to people in public. I haven’t touch a dating app for a decade..
As a woman, my biggest pet peeves with online dating are:
1) aggressively sexual opening lines
2) inability to engage in conversation, leaving me to ask all the questions.
3) conversations that go on and on for weeks, with no intention or actions towards meeting in real life
4) exchanging two messages and then ghosting.
The only men I go on dates with are respectful, not flaky, and quite happy to initiate and make plans to meet up. I also do not follow anyone on Instagram or “exchange snap”.
Waste of time
Come on, you know attractive women get absolutely inundated with likes, messages and attention on a dating app. I’m not excusing bad behavior but surely you at least know this.
You’ve had hundreds of matches?
As a woman on a dating app I always questioned what’s the point of the apps, but here I am still on the dating apps. 🤣
I match with a guy and usually I’m having to start the conversation. I will just start simple hello and a question. Guy responds to my question, but doesn’t ask a question. I’m not going to keep asking questions if the other person isn’t going to ask questions back. Is the person actually interested or just responding to make me think he’s interested. I don’t know.
Isn’t the point of a dating app to see if you are compatible to move to the next step which is a date? I think everyone just wants the attention, but doesn’t want to put in the work.
Men out number the women and they are flooded with messages off men.
Yes you are crazy! Go out in the real world and find a girl and talk to her. Dating apps are pointless. The majority of women on them get so fed up with the guys on there they quit using them. So many unwanted dick pics and that’s how the conversations start. I never started conversations with men because if they were interested they would come to me. But I am old school. I think the men should pursue the woman first. I know how frustrating it is too to have conversations of like two words and get no where! Good luck!