My fiancée is a widow and her recent ex is the first person she dated after her husbands passing 10 years ago. They maintain a friendly relationship and we’ve been working on setting some boundaries. Most everything thing involves her son to which her ex is like an uncle. They don’t do things without her son
My fiancée will occasionally cook them dinner or get some takeout after the ex has taken her son somewhere. Not my favorite thing but I can live with it. Ex does a lot for her son. We don’t live together yet but that should change in Spring.
Recently the ex has met someone who is well established in a career path (pilot) her son wants to take (he’s 14). The 4 of them met previously and the pilot promised to show him more and take him on a flight when he got back from a long vacation to see grandparents.
Her son is coming home in early September and I just found out that they have a dinner party planned a couple days after he gets home. This is with the pilot, his family, the ex, her son and while my fiancée hasn’t been directly invited I feel like she’s expected to stay.
This feels very personal, intimate and the ex’s house doesn’t help either. It’s a small but nice houseboat on the lake. Kind of a romantic setting.
I’d like to be included in this but I don’t know how to state that I want to come or I don’t want her to go. Its also very important to her son so I think she should be there.
It all comes down to
If they’re meeting the pilots family as a “couple” where do I fit in? What happens when the pilot invites them to his house or offers to take them on a flight? I feel invisible
26 comments
If you’re not comfortable, then tell her bro.
Let’s face it the ex isn’t an uncle figure, he’s a father figure because your gf’s ex husband passed when her son was 4. And they’re clearly continuing the family dynamic with him which is just highly inappropriate and disrespectful considering she’s supposed to be getting married to you. I would definitely put the marriage on hold until this issue gets sorted out.
She should have told her friends she wants to introduce you and include you. Talk to her.
You have to communicate that you are uncomfortable and why and that you would like to be included. It’s obvious this feels more like a disrespect type of feel rather than you not trusting your fiancée to me, and if you do not express yourself and let her know how you feel, and this leaving you out continues, you will start to feel resentment towards her if you don’t already. It will end up seeping into the relationship and poisoning it.
You’re definitely the 3rd wheel in this relationship. The ex and her son’s relationship will always come first. This is an incredibly complex dynamic you need to be sure you’re willing to take on.
It’s weird that you’re not invited. Set your boundaries
I agree with you. As a fiance you should be part of this extended family.
I wouldn’t get too sensitive.
You’re walking into a complicated family dynamic.
I wouldn’t want to be viewed as the sensitive new guy that everyone rolls their eyes about when your name comes up.
You’ll be playing second fiddle to the son for several more years. That’s the gig you are signing up for.
Being confident in yourself and your role (as a supporting cast member) will take you farther in developing a positive relationship with all of these other players.
I don’t think you’re wrong, but I would be concerned about being perceived as an overly sensitive unconfident man. Not a great look.
I’m conflicted. It seems like he’s more of a father figure than an uncle. If he was his bio dad I wouldn’t think twice. I’m curious how long they were together? But I can understand why it bothers you. I’d talk to her and see if you can come to a resolution your both comfortable with.
Be proactive. Invite yourself to the dinner and become a lively and active participant. Don’t fret over what may go wrong, be there and contribute positively to the occasion. Ideally, everyone at the dinner will learn what a great guy you are and how lucky your fiance is to have found you. You are going to become the boy’s new father figure, so start now to build those bonds.
Tell her this, all of it. Everything you just told us, especially the part about how this makes you feel.
It’s still so weird to me that people in committed relationships will get online and talk to strangers before discussing the issue with their partners.
Guy, talk to your fiancee. You don’t even know if *she’s* going, and you’ve already created a whole mine field for her to tiptoe through. Nothing about her behavior is weird. Her ex is in a relationship. She’s in a relationship. The ex maintains a good relationship with both of them. They maintain a friendship for the kid’s sake because the kid is important to both of them.
For all you know, both of them may be unsure of how to invite you into the friendship as well.
“If they’re meeting the pilots family as a “couple” where do I fit in? What happens when the pilot invites them to his house or offers to take them on a flight? I feel invisible.”
Sit your fiancé down and tell her that exactly. She needs to figure this out. She also needs to make clear boundaries with that ex.
My man go grab some pants and grab your balls and tell her how you feel cause you’re acting like you ain’t got em right now. I’m 35 and I’ve figured out in life if you don’t say something shits gonna hit the fan one way or the other but at least on your terms based on what your comfortable with… it’s not worth the headache
None of what’s included in your post sounds like it’s meant as a personal slight against you, or like your fiancée is harboring feelings for her ex, it genuinely sounds like your fiancée is trying to be a good mom to her son. Her ex was a positive male role model to her son after his fathers passing at a formative age, and now is offering a cool opportunity for him to learn more about this prospective career path. I understand why you would feel left out, but I wouldn’t make assumptions that go further than that until you talk more to your fiancée.
Have you talked to your fiancée about not feeling included? You should be able to have an open conversation with her where you tell her that you want to be included (not about jealousy over the ex, but because you want to be treated like part of the family). If you come into the conversation from a place of openness, as opposed to accusations, I would bet you’ll get more information on what’s going on.
It sounds weird but this… has nothing to do with you. It’s about her son and the connection her ex has to a pilot. Are you the one putting all this romantic stuff into the mix when it’s really just a way for the kid to get a leg up on a dream? You should let her know how it makes you feel but this isn’t about her, it’s for the kid and you might come off shallow as a sheet cake. Where are you getting romantic vibes from this or am I missing something?
Sorry, I think you are being ridiculous. This is what healthy coparenting looks like. He may not be her son’s bio father but for all intents and purposes, he is that kid’s father. They aren’t going on a double date, they are attending a dinner between families as coparents. Would you have this much of a problem if he were the kid’s bio dad? Because sperm doesn’t make a relationship. Tbh I would dump anyone who wanted to fuck around with my coparenting relationship with a guy who is gracious enough to be a surrogate father to my kid just because my BF is an insecure ween.
Why couldn’t you go as well, if she is your fiancé, why wouldn’t you be invited to go with her?
I’d ask her when the exact trip was planned for and if you will both be sleeping there or you need to rent an Air BnB?
She needs to be advocating for your as her fiancé that’s all. Talk to her. She may feel uncomfortable telling jee ed this. And. the ex needs to respect you as well.
Another doormat getting walked on. Let him have her. Don’t marry this one.
I wouldn’t date a woman in contact with an ex in the beginning. This man is forever going to be in your life too now. “For the son”, sure ok.
But if she is cheating, or is going to, there’s nothing you can do. You’re being gaslit into thinking this is acceptable. But that doesn’t mean you have to continue to accept it.
You should be included. Makes no sense to not invite you if she is there.
The way I read this is that the ex figured out how to keep your gf in his life and she bought into his plan whether she realizes it or not.
I think the way forward here is to communicate to your fiancée that you want to be more involved in her son’s life moving forward. But this seems like a cool opportunity for the kid, and the ex seems like a good dude.
I can see where the friction points are though. Like, essentially your stepson is going to have two “dads” in his life. This is something you guys will all need to navigate together, with empathy, understanding, and compassion. You don’t want to take away this meaningful relationship from her son, you just need to find your own ways to connect with him moving forward and develop your own relationship with him.
The kid is 14 not 22 and about to fly off into adulthood. This reeks of the ex just grasping at ways to get him and her alone.
But don’t rush into saying anything yet. If she says later that she has been invited just say something like “i figured you weren’t going because you knew it would be inappropriate and cross a boundary. I certainly wouldn’t think it’s ok to attend a dinner party at my ex’s house without you there.”
Hey you know, it feels weird you’re basically going on that looks like a date type activity with your ex. Maybe this benefits your kid, but it’s definitely more than just a “for your kid” activity.
And while we’re on the subject, I’m not comfortable with this kind of thing being a thing going forward. Some people are cool with exes being around, or various levels of contact with them, (my boundary is here_______).
Then see what she says.
If the ex is just a friend now I don’t see why you, her fiance aka future husband wouldn’t be invited to this trip.