I’m a 26 year old male and my gf is 25. We’ve been dating for 5 years and our biggest issue in our relationship is she is constantly upset that she’s lonely and compares me to her friends partners and how they do dates almost daily and we only have date nights once a week??? I started my own construction company when I was 22 and I’m working an average of 70 hours a week and normally have 1 day off a week to relax and to do a dinner/movie date with my gf. I’m currently making around $100k a year and save most of my extra income while living relatively cheap, so we may seem poorer than our couple friends. I also spend about 2 hours at the gym 5 days a week since I do cage fighting on the side as a hobby, so I am gone a lot which I can’t deny. I try to explain to her that I’m working so much with the goal of building a comfortable nest egg for my future and her friends boyfriends she keeps comparing me to don’t work or work part time jobs that make little to no money, and aren’t building up for a future for themselves as we are. So I find the comparisons to be unfair, but she completely disregards my reasoning and it’s started to really cause a drift between us. My gf works part time and has much more free time than me and complains how I’m never home and I’m not sure if there’s any solution to our relationship, and maybe we’re not compatible anymore? I understand I may be the A hole too, but I just don’t want to grow up poor as my parents did. Is there anything we can do to salvage this relationship or have we became too incompatible over the years?
14 comments
Date nights once a week are still precious!
Honestly to me, I think either you start working on your relationships or break up. She’s lonely and your not hearing what she’s saying to you. If your social status is more important then her I think there is not much else to do. Personally I think it’s just a matter of time before she finds someone that will make her feel “not lonely”. Also working 70h a week and then everyday 2h at gym seems like you actually don’t have time for a women in your life. I think you allready have chose your life and at this point your just dragging her with you.
You are giving your time for a better future, if she wants to be a part of that future then she will appreciate all that you are doing.
Try and talk to her about it and if you can then find ways to incorporate more time here and there, like she can go to the gym with you too.
But Don’t!! I repeat Don’t lower your work ethic or stop your self improvement journey, you will regret it a lot later.
Hope you talk and share your opinion and get to resolve it. Comparison with others is the just bringing yourself misery and theif of happiness.
70 hours a week of work and a time consuming hobby? It is strange she is still with you. If your work is your priority you will make someone who wants to prioritise the relationship, a miserable person.
70 hours a week in construction? If you are out in the field, you are going to destroy your body by the time you are 40 and really regret it.
You are working almost double the normal amount of hours that most people work in a week. If I was doing that, I’d be at my job almost 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. And then you add working out and MMA ontop of that.
So, it sounds like you go to work before her, come home late and basically sleep. There’s one day a week that you get off and I imagine your exhausted by then and just want/need rest.
That’s not really enough time for a relationship. If I had someone doing that, I’d think of them more as a roommate that I hardly saw. I don’t think I’d know them very well or feel very connected to them.
I think that’s what she’s trying to tell you. She’s not feeling connected to you because there is no one around to connect to. It may be great you are earning all that money, but it is ruining what’s left of your relationship. The money isn’t as important to her as it is to you and it may be time to really look at both of your priorities.
I think some compromise is in order here, op. It really does sound like you’re filling your time with everything but her which you have every right to do but understand that you can’t have your cake and eat it too. You’re thinking long term and she probably is too. You say you want kids but if you find it hard to give your relationship attention now, will your kids see more of you when you start a family or will your current mindset take priority? Again, nothing wrong with working hard to provide a future for yourself/future family or wanting to make a lot of cash but you can’t expect to have a good, healthy relationship at the same time the way you’re going. At least not with your current gf. You still have to nurture your relationship and movie/dinner once a week and barely seeing you otherwise isn’t much.
Try putting more effort into your dates, think about things she’s mentioned wanting to do, etc and make them happen in the time you currently have allotted for date night. Could you potentially drop a day at the gym once a week or once every couple weeks to start carving out more time for her? If she responds positively to things like this and they’re changes you can actually commit to long term then give it some time and revisit the conversation, find out if that’s enough. If they’re not things you can/want to do then it’s definitely time to have a chat about whether or not the relationship can continue further.
Well, honestly, I am proud of all the work you’ve done at 22. But you really don’t have much room for a partner in there. At a young age I would’ve gotten totally bored with us and probably just gone off with somebody else. One day a week while you’re building a business you’re not married there’s no investment in this for her. And even if you were married, this is a lonely life for a young woman. Your hobby you’re working out and your work life and basically cut out your romantic life.
And if you’re OK with that great. Then let her go and find a boyfriend she can spend some time with. It’s really unfair if you’re not gonna prioritize your relationship too. Relationships like your hobbies and like your work out and like your business require attention and love to develop. You cannot develop love and loyalty without putting some time into it and I’m sorry one day a week. No good luck.
If you’re working insane hours and then spending 2 hours a day on MMA, what time do you have for her? My boyfriend and I work opposite schedules but we actively get to make time for each other, even if it’s only half an hour on my lunch break and that’s the only time we see each other daily.
I can see that you have your reasons for your choices, but they’re not going to matter if she leaves you because you have no time for her. She’s compromised by tolerating this for as long as she has. Now, if you want this relationship to work you’ve got to compromise and figure out how to give her more time.
I can see that you want to set yourself up financially, but I think she has different values to you. I’m not saying that she’s not concerned about finance, or that either of you are in the wrong. But this is probably an aspect to consider in this situation. I’ve experienced this myself. I grew up poor and my boyfriend grew up very middle class. It’s been an adjustment for both of us, coming to understand each other and where we’re coming from in regards to our finances. He’s encouraged me to treat myself regularly now that I’m making enough money. You should put aside some of your money now and enjoy it. Even if you go out to dinner and a concert, or on a day trip together. Have an experience together, it could be good for you two.
Also, consider the love languages – hers might be quality time. So what she needs to feel loved in your relationship is not being met.
(Soz for the word vomit, I have mega ADHD lol)
I might not have a popular opinion, especially for being a woman, but this is how I see things. You’ve been with your girlfriend for 5 years. Meaning you were 21 and she was 20 when you started dating. You’re not those people anymore. Or maybe I should say you aren’t that same 21 year old person anymore. You’re building a business with a demanding hobby on top of it. She works part-time and hangs out with friends that have boyfriends with part-time jobs or no jobs. Those two lifestyle choices are vastly different.
And while there is an argument for needing a work/life balance. I think it’s perfectly acceptable to sacrifice for the future you want. You’ve got a hobby that helps you de-stress. You are putting in the work for a stable future and right now that isn’t leaving room in your life for what she says she needs. She could be working her ass off too. She could be furthering her education, building a career, or working more hours to save money for a home, or to invest for a nest egg for the future.
Maybe another way to say it is that you’re both growing into people that have priorities that are simply too different to be compatible. You aren’t prioritizing social relationships. She’s voiced that her needs aren’t being met. You can’t do both, there’s not enough hours in the day.
Where are her friends? Her family? People she could hang out with? She needs to pick up a full time job or hobby, this is insane. You are working towards a better future but maybe you should not be working 70 hours??? That’s a lot!!
You can’t have it all. Something has to give. You are prioritizing your business and your hobby over your girlfriend, and I can’t blame her feeling recognizing she is third (maybe even further?) in line for your attention.
It sounds like your construction company being successful is really important.
So you need to decide if the gym and cage fighting is more important than your relationship. I’m not saying completely stop, but reduce the amount of time you put toward it and put that toward your relationship.
Bro I wish I had 10+ hours per week to dedicate to my hobby.
When do you see yourself delegating more work to others so you are not working ridiculous hours?
I think it’s great you have started your own business and that it is going well, but you are going to burn yourself out eventually. That’s not good for the future success of your company.
Does she rely on you financially? If she is because she only has part time work, she had extra time to think about how lonely she feels.
While the comparisons to her friends’ relationships are unfair, her feeling lonely is valid. But if you feel you can’t change your work schedule you might want to love her enough to let her go.
Even if you make promises that things are going to be better, the question is how long does she have to wait?
Time to jettison her. Focus on your career and grind. She should ah e a full time job. She is 26. Don’t become a resource daddy.