My gf (f) and I (f) both are 22, are great partners. We understand each other well and we have very similar senses of humor at times. We’ve been dating a year and a few months, and I love her so much. But I’m having a hard time with her antisocial tendencies and find it hard to deal with at times especially around friends and family who I would love for her to impress and get to know better.
So, I’ve noticed that whenever she’s around my family or meeting my friends she goes mute and would maybe giggle if someone makes a remark to her or say little to nothing about a situation or answer to a question when someone is trying to get to know her if that makes sense. To me, I understand that she’s social awkward but it can come across unfriendly or just awkward if you don’t know her. I’m an ambivert and I can be very social or reserved when I’m ready but I know how to socialize well. My family, especially my mom and sister are very friendly and funny people but not in an obnoxious way so I’m not sure why my gf is struggling to interact with them especially since she’s met them on multiple occasions. She doesn’t really engage in conversations with my mom unless she’s directly asked something. And I’m afraid it’s starting to become a turn off for me.
She recently met my long time friend from middle school (cali) and she is extremely nice funny and chill. We went out to eat and my gf said nothing to my friend the whole time but made little giggles or made a side remark after I said something. And obviously my friend is new to her but I had to tell my gf to ask her questions get to know her when my friend went to the bathroom. (The trick to socializing when you’re anxious or don’t know what to say is simply asking people asking people questions about themselves. People eat that up.) she proceeded to eat and not say much.
I want to talk to her about it because I’m afraid it’s rubbing my family and friends the wrong way because they think it’s coming across as unfriendly. I want her to improve on her socialization skills without it coming across mean. She consistently ask me to ask people on public for something if she’s afraid to do it and I had to talk to her and tell her she needs to speak up more because it’s starting to feel like I’m dealing with a child sometimes. We all have our shy moments but sometimes it’s too much. I know she can do better cause I see how she interacts with others sometimes and she can do it.
When I envision my life partner I envision someone who socialize well with my family and friends. I want them to get along. What should I do because I don’t think this is worth breaking up over and other than this difference we’re great together. Recommendations?
TL;DR
My gf gets social awkward and doesn’t contribute much to a conversation with my friends or friends and it’s hard to watch. I know she can be very social and it sucks that seems like she’s not leaving a great impression on my loved ones because she’s not really engaging.
11 comments
Ever consider your family and friends aren’t the most warm or down to earth? Or did you ever consider that she doesn’t come from that family structure where everyone is best friends and holding hands and singing kumbaya? It’s possible that she really likes you and if she were to truly become comfortable around your friends and family that maybe they wouldn’t like her, leading to whispers about her being obnoxious or how you could do better? It’s more possible than not that your family and friends are not as likable as you think they are. There’s a realm of possibility that she actually dislikes your family and will not tell you that, but instead we’ll just smile nod and giggle in order to get through the interaction. A lot of people are very blind to who their family and friends really are especially when considering someone who will automatically feel like an outsider in that situation. I would approach this with a little bit more grace, because it seems like you’re expecting her to just blend in perfectly from day one and that’s not how it’s ever going to happen with your partner and in-laws. There is a wall that is put up in order to protect herself, and if anything it means that she really values your presence in her life.
Does she have Aspergers? Because I do and described my behavior to a T.
All right, as a 44 year old, extremely socially awkward person who also grew up in a completely different culture I can at least give you an insight of what she might be going through.
First, group gatherings where I’ll be expected to interact, maybe share personal info , and having to react to other people’s personal stuff is a nightmare that starts the day I find out that I will have to attend a group meeting and then it get worse from there. My anxiety creeps up every single day as the D-day approaches and when the day comes I’m in such state of inner freak-out that I too shut down and focus on anything else other than the conversations.
What works the best for me is to meet people only a few at the time and having a distraction that’s not food. I found out that is a lot easier for me to open up while playing board or card games. It’s enough of a buffer.
How did you 2 meet?
Did she approach you? Talk to you first?
Did she struggle in that conversation?
Was she curious about you and ask you questions?
Have you met any of her family?
Were they able to socialize at all?
Have any of your family or friends asked you about her? I’d be nervous if someone sat at my table and just stared and giggled the entire night.
You could just give her the option of not suffering through the events she’s not interested in. Like, “I know my family can be overwhelming, and how uncomfortable they make you. Maybe you sit this one out?”
At least she won’t feel pressured.
I’m just like her 100% when I was in a relationship. His family and friends were really nice, but socially awkward me, couldn’t get words out and only laughed. It’s really hard for us to engage cos our nerves get too much and shut our body down. You got to be understanding and be patient. Think about it if you were in her shoes… I think the best way is… Doing some active activities as opposed to sitting down type of scenarios. It enforces her to engage and relax and not be pressured by sitting down talking.
You cant change someone’s personality, if you love her youd love her as she is… i am this way too and its because i have to click with someone to be able to talk to them, idk why… some people i really like and theyre really nice but i just cant bring myself to say anything to them, my mind goes into shutdown, whereas with others i can talk a lot.
Neurodivergence runs in families so what you’ve said makes a lot of sense. But even if they aren’t ND, she clearly wasn’t raised to socialize the way you do.
Either way, I can see both sides of the argument. I support the introvert who just wants to be left alone most of the time, but I also support the extrovert who wants an outgoing partner to join their social group. Only you can decide if this is a dealbreaker for you, but I wouldn’t suggest trying to change your partner to fit your expectations. That doesn’t make anyone happy.
You’re not into shy people, this woman is shy and awkward. Also, you’re enabling her to be this way. If she doesn’t want to change, this is who she’ll always be.
As a 36f who can very much relate to your gf, I feel sorry for her. I fake my way through social stuff and interviews as best I can, but being in isolation for several years due to WFH and by choice really knocked me back a step, if that’s something you value. I get where you’re coming from, but as a shy girl whose parents pretty much never liked anyone I dated (therefore I avoided introducing them at all–well done, y’all 👌), I personally think when you’re older you’ll understand that your family and friends don’t have to sleep next to this girl at night, you do. Y’all constitute the complete team, period. Nobody else gets to vote on it unless you allow it, which IMO isn’t fair. Loving, loyal companionship is an increasingly rare gem to find in this world… as long as it’s great between you two, I see no problem here and she doesn’t owe your family or friends anything. My 2 cents.
The way you speak of “the trick” to *just not be* socially awkward is sending up a red flag for me that you simply don’t understand her and aren’t making an effort to understand her. It’s giving /r/thanksimcured
Like others said, if you don’t like your girlfriend’s personality, and believe that it would be an easy “trick” for her to just change it, you don’t have to date her.