I (22M) and Kate (21F) have been together for almost 3 years now. We’ve had our ups and downs but the relationship is good for the most part. We have talked about potentially opening up our bedroom and involving other people, but never really discussed it in depth. A couple of days ago she said that she wanted to talk about us, and that we should consider getting involved with other people as well (only sexually). I’ve tried being understanding but just the thought of her being with another guy makes me want to roll into a ball and cry. I know I said that we can discuss this, but would I be a jerk to go back on my word and say that I don’t want her sleeping with other people? There is this one guy from her work who has been trying to get with her even though he knows about me, and I’m sometimes I catch her smiling at her phone as well. I’ve seen a lot of stuff on reddit where people are already cheating and ask to open the relationship just to have a clean conscience. What do I do? She’s pretty smart so she probably won’t have a lot of problem hiding it if she really wanted to. I’m really confused right now and it’s just adding to the regular stress of just existing everyday.
38 comments
You break up. She’s not satisfied with being just with you.
Delaying it, won’t change her dissatisfaction. Telling her no, won’t make you feel secure because he’s already decided.
Saying yes will still end your happiness.
Date someone that wants you.
Break up immediately. She wants to fuck another guy and is looking for your permission, but if she doesn’t get it will likely do it regardless. If she is talking to a guy she knows is hitting on her and entertaining it, she is not loyal. Have some self respect and end this
You can’t stop her from her desires all you can do is remove yourself from the situation.
She might be realizing she wants live the single life again so she can screw around or get with her coworker.
I’d tell her that’s a boundary that you have in place and are not comfortable sharing your partner. If she respects it and understands then problem solved. Also, it would be a good time to mention how her coworker’s behavior is making you feel. If she refuses to take no as an answer then it’s time to call it quits.
She wants to be single, let her be single. You will find someone whose values are compatible with yours. It sucks, but sometimes you have to take the L and move on.
If you don’t want an open relationship you have every right to say no and make it your hill to die on and tell her that her fucking around will be cheating and will not be acceptable.
If you really want to get more info out of her you first you would be in a position to demand answers to questions
* does she already have someone in mind
* has she already been in appropriate with him?
* has she already slept with him?
* if she says no to the above, make her prove it by allowing you to go through her phone.
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Of course you may see things and hear things you don’t want to know
Walk away and go find someone who aligns with your values. She’s checked out and is, at a minimum, emotionally cheating on you.
If she wants to do she will, and it looks as if she’s already made her decision. Perhaps she’s already done it.
Who knows? But if it’s a no-go for you, Imo simply reply, “Open relationship? Anything for you! There’s the open door!” and go no contact, and DO NOT waiver in your resolve.
Life isn’t always pleasant. Some decision while they seem hard are truly the simplest to make where our own self-respect and mental health are concered.
Open relationship, Hell! It’s not the relationship she wants to open to someone else, and at your expense.
Hate to break it to you, but she’s already sleeping around. She wants you to say yes to the open relationship so she won’t feel guilty about it.
dude break up. why do you even have to ask?? the fact that she’s smiling at her phone and has admitted to liking a guy at work. she’s already cheating. Maybe not physically but she is emotionally cheating on you.
there’s no point in stopping her. Even if you tell her it’s a boundary you will not cross, she will resent you for it. and the relationship will deteriorate even further. It may even push her to cheating on you behind your back.
She wants to sleep with other guys. and you’re not okay with it.
If this is not what you want then your paths have diverged, and she is no longer a suitable partner for you. Wish her well and show her the door. No drama necessary, but do not allow her to draw you into arguments about how you should be okay with this.
Can you please just read the 100 other posts about how much of a disaster this is and just spare us all another open relationship fiasco??
Seriously, scroll down like three posts on the home page and you will find a gold mine (or shit mine if you prefer) of posts about opening relationships.
Here’s the long story short: you’re screwed.
Edit: I’m really sorry though OP, that sucks. I hate that people pull that card in relationships. It’s super unfair. You never signed up for this. Just get away. It’ll be ok. You’ll meet someone cooler who loves and respects you. And it’ll happen sooner if you get off the circus ride you’re regrettably on right now.
<3
You said yourself you have seen on reddit people want ing to cheat but ask to open the relationship to clear their conscious, well guess what man that is exactly what your gf is trying to do. It is happening to you don’t be naive now.
She is probably already flirting with him through message, and now she wants to make it physical. Kick her to the curb before she kicks you there because she undoubtedly will. It sucks but rip the Band-Aid now.
Stick a for in it. You’re done.
As counterintuitive as it sounds, the only way to keep her is to refuse to play her game, and be willing to leave.
You have to set up a boundary: I do not want to share you with another man.
Its worth noting that this is not an outrageous boundary. Despite liberal attitudes on Reddit, the vast majority of men (and women) do not want to share partners.
The fact that she feels comfortable enough to bring this up (and push you on it) implies that she does not respect you and assumes she can bulldoze you. You need to prove that you are the man in the relationship and put your foot down, both on this ask, and her behavior texting the man from work.
As a side note, even though there’s a world where you can salvage this relationship, I think you should question whether or not you really should. I’ve never heard of a great, lifelong romance starting with the wife sleeping with other people only 3 years into the relationship. If she’s like this after a couple of years, do you really think you can do another 70 years with her etc?
Do not do it! Tell her that it’s over for even suggesting it because realistically there’s no good outcome.
Red flag is you catching her smiling at her phone. You know deep down it’s that dude. She’s looking for a reason to cheat by saying “open relationship” I call BS and call her a cheater. Move on!
Listen to what she’s telling you—not the words but what’s between the words:
What she’s saying is that she wants/needs more and that you’re incapable of providing it.
She’s also saying that no matter what you say, she’s going to go out and get it.
You have to ask yourself whether sharing your ‘love’ with other men is something you can live with.
You have to ask yourself how comfortable you’ll be watching her get herself all dolled up knowing that her intentions are to mount some other stud. How comfortable do you think you’ll be watching her come home at the crack of dawn staggering in to your bedroom with her makeup smeared, her hair mussed, her clothes disheveled and missing her panties (if she even wore them when she left for her date). And how about the way she smells?
If you’re not fully on board with this, you need to set her free and move on with your life. This can eat you alive if you let it.
As soon as she started with her “we need to talk”, you lost her.
She already has someone in mind who she had been chatting with. This is her chance she thinks she has to cheat without feeling guilt.
It is very simple, she wants to try it with the new guy and if it doesn’t work out, keep you as a backup.
Then if it doesn’t work out, she will find a new guy and try replacing you with that one … if nobody better than you, wants her she will stay with you …
Chances are she already did the deed with him and just wants to clear her conscience
Break up with her and tell her she has your permission to sleep with as many guys as she likes… You just won’t be one of them… When it gets to the point that she is “asking” she already has, or plans on it and seeks your “meek” approval
Never forget there are roughly 4 billion women on the face of this planet.. You could always find one that is faithful which is what a “relationship” is based upon
This is not anyone’s idea of a mutually equitable open relationship. Just tell her no and add one more condition – she stop talking to said dude as a sign she cares. See what happens with that decision.
She does not want an open relationship. She wants you to be ok with her cheating and she already has a guy in mind. Tell her you are breaking up with her and she can do what she wants but you are done with her for good. Then block her on everything and move on in your life
If she want to open and you don’t, you only have one choice, and that is choose yourself and go!
She shouldn’t be in a relationship if she want to fuck other men
Leave.
So you’ve discussed having an open relationship before. But now she wants to talk about it, its off the table.
The idea of these things can sometimes seem like a good idea but when it comes down to it, couple have no clue how to navigate it.
She could be smiling at a 10q different things on her phone at any given minute.
If you don’t want an open relationship, communicate that! That her that’s not what you want anymore after thinking about what it entails. If she pushes back on it then you know you can part ways. You aren’t compatible.
This really is something simple to communicate.
‘I know we discussed X thing being a part of our bedroom activities, but having really thought about what it means for us, I’m really against doing this thing.’
Well if gf is determined to open the relationship.
If Ur not agreeable.
U have no other option to end the relationship.
You need to find the courage to let yourself know this relationship is effectively over and if you dont move on, the pain will be catastrophic. Its gonna hurt no matter what you do, but putting the decision in your own hands will mitigate the pain.
there’s no such thing as an open relationship. it doesn’t exist. either she wants to be with you or not. she’s basically asking for your permission to cheat and is using this as leverage to lessen the impact of the bomb she could potentially drop and in this case, i mean a break up. break up with her because as someone else says, if you don’t let her, she’ll sleep around with other people behind ur back. sorry bro
You break up.
If she’s asking for an open relationship one of two things has happened.
1. She’s been emotionally cheating with a man and sex is on the table now.
Or
2. She’s already having sex with another man and doesn’t want I be labeled a cheater. So she’ll say she started screwing him after you said “ok”.
Don’t believe me? Press her for who she has in mind. It will be a guy she works or goes to school with.
Either way she can never be trusted again. She’ll be banging as many guys as she wants while you’re her good little cuckold at home. With or without your permission.
So dump her, block her, and move on.
You break up? Half of these posts are answering their own questions.
Don’t break up. Treat her as FWB since she wants to be like that. At least you get something out of it, while you find a girl who is wife material
Sweetie, move on she is already cheating, and you deserve better. Break it off and know that YOU ARE ENOUGH! ALWAYS KNOW YOUR ENTIRE WORTH! You will meet someone who loves and respect you and your relationship. She doesn’t deserve you Ata ll. It will hurt and you will get over it.
Never agree if you are not 100% convinced. One sided open relationship is the right path to fail miserably.
Break up and move on. There are women out there who don’t like open relationships.
Break up with her. She’s being disrespectful to you and your views of a relationship. Quit allowing her to cause you emotional stress.
Poly only works if both parties want that type of relationship and set healthy boundaries and ground rules.