I [21M] have been accused by my mother [52F] of sexually assaulting her and my siblings

#TW: Depression, Suicidal thoughts & Sexual assault.

Hi, I’m a 21 year old male. I just really want some advice on what I should do as it’s taken a toll on my mental health. I’d TRULY appreciate some help.

Some info: I am the 3rd oldest in my family. I have 2 older sisters (24F and a 25F) and a younger brother (20M)

So basically; for years now my mother has had a hatred towards me and has started behaving completely different. She’d legit treat my brother and me (especially me) like some sort of animals who’s opinion didn’t matter whilst treating my 2 siblings to the highest of levels.

In 2014 my mother basically started accusing me of doing very very inappropriate things to her and my siblings as they slept in their room. Things that are completely against me and my character. I would literally never EVER do such.

She’d randomly accuse me of things for months and make sure to only say it when I was the only person around to avoid my other siblings heading it. This was happening until late 2014.

Around early 2015 I’m in high school. My mother became even more forward with her accusations. She’d put all my siblings in her room and lock the door. Shutting me out like I’m some sort of animal. I literally would cry myself to sleep thinking what did I do wrong.

At first my siblings didn’t know what to do but after 2 weeks they took a step towards her and told her she’s wrong and that they can not barricade themselves in a room from me. In that time my mother began accusing my younger brother of doing the same things for a a while. She ended up apologizing. My brother was literally shocked but my sisters assumed she has mental issues and he forgave her.

She never apologized to me.

At this rate the accusations towards me would be so common it some what became normalized.

We’re now in summer 2015.

One day I’m at school and she called me crying accusing me of touching her the night before. I was already feeling depressed with life but this broke me. I kinda wanted to end my life.

I came back from school and she physically assaulted me and whipped me and said she hopes I die. My siblings were all in shock and crying. I left the house. I walked 4 miles to my cousins (we’re super close) house in the rain.

They answered and asked if I walked because I was drenched. My younger cousins noticed I was crying and asked if I’m okay. Too ashamed to tell them what’s been going on the past year+ that I lied and said it was just an argument. This was out of fear that if I told them they looked at my entire side of the family as crazy and it would ruin our relationship.

They ended up taking me home the next day and I just stay in my room for a week. The next week, I ended up going to a game one night and asked my sister to pick me up. My mother whom I now have a deep hatred for picked me up. I’m now in the car quiet and she suddenly starts breaking down and apologizing for all she’s done blaming it on her stress and begging for forgiveness. After 30 minutes of her crying I ended up forgiving her on the CONDITION she never ever accuse me of something like that again. She accepted.

Now 5 months pass by and you’ve guessed it right… she randomly accuses me of it again one night. She also somehow accuses my male cousin who spent the night the week before as a creep too.

She beats me again. Now my hearts broken. In this time I told my siblings who basically told me to relax and ignore it because they believe me. My mother starts threatening she’d tell our cousins how much of a creep I am. I basically hold it in. Not because she’s telling the truth but because I fear of destroying our families reputation.

A year passed by and I stay quiet and don’t talk to her. I graduated high school. I want nothing to do with her but I’m depressed and suicidal. I decide to start going out and chilling with friends (something she’s always been against) and she’d start blowing up my phone. I know it’s embracing being 18/19 and having your mom call you to tell you get home but even though I was angry at her. I still listened and stayed home that summer.

Now fast forward to 2020. I’m depressed and still don’t know what to do with my life. my mom comes back and starts apologizing. My siblings think she’s genuine this time. I forgave her for everything she’s accused me of.

We’re cool up until around April 2021. She begins again. Now I’m 19. I’ve had enough. I tell her to STFU and watch her mouth on accusing me of things or I’d notify everyone in the family including my cousin whom she’s also accusing of touching a sibling before.

We’re now in 2023. I‘ve been in depression for years just overthinking things to the point I just feel so weird being alive. But I still maintain. I plan on going back to uni this upcoming semester to study computer science. So I could get a proper job and cut her off completely.

My mother still accuses me of such things and locks her doors. She genuinely thinks I appear through doors and touch her at this point (lol Wtf). I try to go out and chill with friends and she still calls even though we’re not talking. I just ignore her calls tbh.

Although nobody in my family believes her and my siblings are on my side. I still can’t help it mentally. I was just a kid and my happiness was taken away from me for no reason.

I’ve tried to bring up this topic to my sisters but they don’t really care as they’re busy with their lives and homes after moving out. My mother completely adores my sisters and slightly shows love to my brother.

She completely neglects me and never asks how my day or life etc has been . My brothers the only one that truly cares and has been there for me since DAY 1.

I don’t have funds to move out or really anything just yet as I work in a dead end job.

What would you guys suggest ?