What does being overly nice mean and how to not be?

12 comments

1. I was exactly like you. I was too nice and people did really take advantage of it. For example, they manipulated me to obtain things. I was quite blind and never really noticed that.

   After a few years, I noticed how sad I was so I decided to see a therapist.

   Extreme nice people have confidence issues. They think that being nice or « perfect » would avoid them to be rejected or abandoned by others. It’s the fear of rejection or abandonment.

   In their head, we find that quote: “I have to be nice. In that way, people will never give up on me”.

   Today, I’m more cold with people. I continue to be nice but way things turn very bad, I accept to be more on my guard and not tolerate bad things.

2. Simplified: you’re so kind to others that you stop being kind to yourself. Why don’t you deserve good things in life?

3. When you’re overly nice, all you’ll attract is takers. there have been studies, and the most successful people are givers who ensure they get back. If you want to be respected, work on character, assertiveness, and knowing yourself.

4. Yeah. This is (was?) Me to a T. This approach got me into a lot of trouble with my relationships because I’d avoid conflict and try to please the other’s needs in favor of neglecting my own. It’s not worth it, it’s nervewracking having to speak up sometimes but if it’s as simple as having a conversation to help mediate the issue, then by all means don’t be shy.

   A lot of the time whenever I just “let things slide” it wasn’t because I actually wanted to be nice (realized it eventually), it’s just because I didn’t want to cause a scene or a problem or make the other party feel bad. If you operate like this though people will eventually notice and take advantage of that passiveness. It will also lead to a lot of unessesary and embarrasing turmoil due to your own inaction in the future, so… yeah don’t do that. Don’t be like me and look back and bemoan how dumb you were. It’s better to practice now and learn to speak up for yourself for when a more challenging scenario eventually comes your way.

   It’s an uncomfortable position, but try to be firm and communicate in a straight forward way. It will help cause a lot less problems down the line. This isn’t being unkind, and there are ways to do this in a “nice” but firm manner. Setting your boundaries is important to yourself and others, because a lot of people will cross them, keep doing it and not notice or care.

5. Of course the first thing you need to do is to have boundaries. Everyone has them. You need to draw a line between what is okay and what suits your preference, and what you don’t tolerate and offends you. Take example where you were insulted and made fun of by people around you, but you didn’t say anything since you didn’t know what to say. Of course it’s very hard to think of a better way to put your words, but if it offends you then you have to stand up for yourself and speak up. If you just let it happen, it’ll become more frequent because people will think that you will just tolerate that. If you don’t know what to say but you know exactly what you feel, then express it by words. I hope it’ll work out fine!

6. I used to be too nice. I was a people please. Honestly i didnt give too craps about being nice i just wanted everyone to like me. When I realized people like for for who you are not how much you do for them I got over that quickly. I had to determine what my boundaries where and where I draw the line. You have to get good at realizing when you should help ppl because they genuinely need it and when they’re just trying to manipulate you for gain.
   My bf is too nice now. Ppl walk all over him. It’s been a struggle but I’ve been helping him realize how boundaries work and how to place them, put himself first, and spot manipulation. His stress levels have dropped immensely.

7. Use to be the same, Im 37 now and have learnt to say no to people, people fell out with me but it turns out its no loss to me.

8. It seems you’re being nice to other people but you’re not being nice to yourself in many of these situations. There’s nothing wrong with tending to the needs of others, but remember to also address your own needs too even if it means engaging in uncomfortable conversations where you say no

   You can still be kind and respectful in saying no

9. I think you have people pleasing or codependent tendencies. If you like reading book, I suggest you to read Boundaries by Henry Cloud.

   I was exactly the person you’re described due to my strict parents trauma. As I get older, I learned how to stand up for myself by reading books, and other psychology advices that I read from blogs. You’ll get brave enough to reject something you dont want to do as you practice it more and more overtime.

10. The problem is not being kind, it’s being a pushover. There’s a difference.

11. I have really bad advice for you. This will work, but at some serious expense.

    I assume you’re young, as in around 21, so any losses you incur you can gain back.

    Spend a few months as an absolute asshole and use people who give their time, money, car etc too easily.

    Once you see how that side works, your natural values will take back over (because you’re not really a bully people-using asshole) and you will gain much needed perspective on why being too nice is a bad thing.

    But being empathetic is extremely important. Putting others before yourself is also extremely important.

    But you’re going to have to learn that when the plane is falling out of the sky, you put your oxygen mask on first, before helping others.

    Edit: and for those who think this is too extreme and bad advice, consider the story of Siddhartha

12. It usually means not setting up boundaries.