I 29M, Wife 27F
I don’t post on Reddit at all but I had to since this topic was really bugging me. My wife and I recently had a separation and I felt as if it were my fault. She moved back in with her parents and I’m still in the place we lived at together. I wasn’t as supportive as I should’ve been, I would let me anger control me and not want to talk, I was also very insecure and my lack of communication would make her upset. My main reason for being insecure is that I was cheated on by an ex in the past that wasn’t no where as beautiful as my wife now. My wife has both female and guy friends and during the start of our relationship I made her cut off the guys because one of those “friends” supposedly liked her and hated me because I was married to her and she did cut them off. Fast forward my wife and I are constantly arguing because of my insecurities, anger, and not being supportive. She wanted a trial separation to “find herself” and “be happy” and at first I didn’t understand why, but I told her “Okay” after I was trying to find an understanding and that we won’t be seeing anyone during this time. During our separation she unblocks everyone she had ever blocked on social media, phone numbers, etc. I found out and she said that she unblocked everyone because she was mad at me and didn’t look to see who she unblocked, she just went down the list and did it.
It didn’t make sense to me hearing that because I know who unblock, but she started talking to “old friends” and hanging out with them; going to parties, clubs, etc. I asked her why she constantly speaks to these people on the phone and hang out with them and her response was “Because she needed advice and they keep things truthful with her”. She calls this one guy friend in particular all the time or he’ll call her, mind you he has a girlfriend and his girlfriend argues with him and dislikes my wife because of their “friendship”.
We argued a bit more because I stated I was upset that he calls all the time even when her and I were hanging out and this guy is supposed to be in a relationship, why does he have to speak to you everyday? She got upset at first then understood where I was coming from. When I would question her about cutting them off now I would get responses such as “They’re like brothers, nothing is happening” “If they cross a boundary then I will stop, but they haven’t crossed any nor am I entertaining anyone” “Im going to do what I want” “I’ll do what makes me happy, I’m not worried about making you mad because I want to go out and have fun” The thing is HOW would I know hear guys aren’t going to cross any boundaries?
Fast forward more it’s been a couple of months, I’ve been going to the gym and getting in shape, focusing on myself, my wife and I would hang out once every other week or so during this time. I even started going to therapy to better myself.
She was supposed to be getting help too because she also lacked communication is some aspects. But she never did, anyways she still continues to go out every other weekend or every weekend with her “friends”. Out of nowhere a few nights ago she went out to some hookah lounge/bar with these friends. Before she went she asked me if she could go. (We are still separated but still hanging out and at this point she is back to calling me “babe” and other pet names again instead of solely saying my first or last name)
I told her she could go and asked if she was going to smoke hookah or drink? She said “No” at first then quickly changed it to “I will drink just a little bit” I said “Fine”.
When she went out it was around 8pm and I called to check up on her around 10:30 or 11pm to make sure she was good and that I was going to bed. I also told her to let me know when she makes it back safely. The next morning I called around 8am because I hadn’t gotten a text or call. She picks up the phone sounding like she had been drinking a ton and had a really bad hangover and tells me she fell asleep at one of her “female friends” place. I didn’t question her about anything but I wanted to, she goes about saying “I’m sorry, I should’ve listened to you” “I don’t ever want to go to the club or drinking again” “I just want you, I want our family back, I want to get married again. I love you” “Don’t let me go out again, I just want to go out with you, I only want to be with you” etc. After she was feeling a bit better I asked her why she get that way and she was only telling me that she was trying to fit in with people and only drank because everyone else in that friend group had to basically get “wasted” to have a good time. She also stated that she was upset with me because of who I was following on social media when I only did that because she said she’ll follow whoever and do whatever she wants and that doesn’t equate to cheating so I went with it. I don’t know if I’m being paranoid now but while she was recovering from her hangover and I was taking care of her I noticed weird clues such as on her phone, the guy that I told her to block because he hated me for being with her was texting her through a free number texting app was asking my wife if she and her friend made it to the club from last night (It’s obvious she didn’t respond to it because it was still there from last night, but it does mean he showed up) and also the dress she was wearing was very seductive, I also noticed she shaved her pubes. And I know she shaved it before she went to the club because not even a few days ago we were intimate. Now I’m not that old but to me drinking until I’m shit-faced has never been a “good time” especially if I have to be so intoxicated that I’m able to have “fun”. I also forgot to mention she did ask me if I was seeing anyone during our separation and I told her no. I asked her the same question and she told me “You already know my answer, I told you before”. Yeah I did ask her before but that was when we were only about 3-4 weeks into our separation and I feel as if that answer was not very reassuring even though she told me no she wasn’t before during our early trial separation. I wanted her to just answer again without beating around the bush. Those were/are the only responses I was getting out her before and now though and I don’t know what to do. Am I being paranoid or should I try to maybe ask a different way to get an answer? I don’t know what to do, I am currently at a stalemate with myself.
Thank you
Tl;dr: Wife and I are separated and I’m not sure if she’s being genuine with wanting to reconcile or if it’s because something happened at the club. Her previous actions /responses make me question otherwise.
13 comments
you need to ask her point blank how many men she’s fucked while you are in your odd “separation”. Guaranteed it’s more than one.
you married someone who wasn’t worthy of being a wife picking these guys over your marriage and making you sound crazy because you are not okay with the way she acts and who she speaks to. If you are smart you will divorce her. She probably already slept with whoever she wanted to while you were separated. You need to pick better partners.
Imma be honest with you. Sounds like a lost cause. Im pretty sure she’s fucked at least 1 of those male friends since you guys seperated.
Red flags to not ignore
1) Talking to male friend EVERYDAY. Now reverse roles and think, if you were to talk to a female friend everyday, one that didnt like your wife, and didnt want you to marry her, how would your wife react?
2) She’s going out to club/party every weekend. Thats cool when youre 21, you guys are near 30 now. She shouldve gotten that out of her system awhile ago. If she wants to go live that lifestyle, then so be it, but it seems like you arent that type of guy, so why settle with someone who doesnt have the same type of values that you have?
3) Your wife goes out clubbing all night and doesnt text you at all? Yes you are seperated, but you guys were on the mend and she even checked in with your beforehand to ask. So in my mind, her not texting you at all is a huge disrespect to you. Open your eyes. You guys may have separated because of your flaws, but shes far from perfect in this situation.
You worked on yourself and did what you were supposed to do during the separation, while she showed you her true colors. Take the L now while you are still young. If you guys dont have any kids theres really no reason to force this marriage to stay together when it seems like its already over if im being honest. She has no respect for you, and will talk to these “friends” behind your back if you choose to get together. Trust me
I’m sorry this has happened the way it has. I believe two things are true. First, you need to solve your issues with being cheated by your former gf through therapy and not by imposing controlling measures on your future partner. Second, your relationship with your wife will never give you the sense of safety you need and deserve. Her way to handle things has prevented this for happening. I don’t think you’re paranoid, I think she indeed has been engaging in things you don’t approve and wasn’t part of your arrangement throughout this separation.
I’d continue with therapy and better yourself for a future partner that fully respects you and tries to improve things instead of running away to have her way.
Honestly, great job in using the time to improve yourself. Keep going, it’ll be worth it regardless of what happens with your wife.
If she’s serious about reconciliation, she needs to do the same. She’s been using this time to regain some of her youth rather than working on herself and her relationship. it’s pretty disrespectful and she does need to open up about her antics. You had clear boundaries that she totally ignored during separation. It’s ok to re-iterate them and ask that they be respected moving forward.
Give her clear goals that need to be pursued for reconciliation to work. She definitely needs some therapy and you both could probably benefit from some couples counselling.
Hopefully it works out.
You know what’s going on OP. Sounds like she has been taking these guy friends for test drives, and either the grass isn’t greener or she is feeling guilty, or whatever. But she is not a safe partner for you. Do what you will, but my opinion is you should move on. Good luck.
Do not fall for the sunk cost fallacy.
You worked on yourself and your insecurities.
She went and partied repeatedly, like a single woman. There is a very high probability that she rode the carousel a lot. She probably realizes that the guys were only in it for the sex. Now she wants the safety and security, you are being used as “Plan B”. Never be the backup plan.
Oh, you sweet soul. I have been through this countless times with my ex girlfriend. We had a 9 year relationship, & we would “split up” but still technically be together. It was very messy. I was the insecure controlling one, & she was the one who would call me babe, sleep with me, went through the party scene & interacted with friends I didnt like. She called me a few times drunk af saying she loves me & only wants me, she would beg me to come get her & I would take care of her while she was fucked up. It left me feeling very confused. While we were separated I would get help by going to therapy, working out, taking good care of myself, etc. She would notice I was getting better & would panic thinking I was going to find someone else & be done with her for good. It always seemed to be those times that she would try & get me back.
We did this song & dance for 9 freaking years. She would complain & fight with me while we were together, saying she just wants to do what makes her happy & not have to worry about me being upset. But when we “split up” after she has her fun & sees I am doing well, she would creep her way back in. I would have to forgive whatever she did while we were split, but I never did anything during that time because she was still acting like my gf. Honestly I think SHE was the insecure & controlling one, she just had a different way of doing it. If that makes sense?
I eventually cut her off for good, got the help I needed, stayed focused on myself, & now I am happily married to my husband. I was not innocent in my past relationship. I had BPD that was not being managed consistently enough to improve, & she held me back from that. Its been 6 years since ive been with my ex, & I am happier, healthier, & the most stable I have ever been. If you REALLY want to work this out with her, she needs to end the games & get help herself. Cause everything you just explained, is just that, games.
UpdateMe!
Near 30 and behaves like that. Also no kids involved, OP sorry but don’t let her drag you back down, you improved without her and trust me you will do better without her to. Good luck my man but change your status from seperated to divorced. Keep it up going man
Bro you know the answer here.
You know exactly what she did.
If you don’t have kids this is an easy choice.
Op, just stop trying with her. Literally, stop trying, stop communicating only respond when she communicates with you, and go out and start dating. She wants to reconcile, make her work for it while you date others. When she sees you being entertained by another woman, she will either stop wanting it and you continue to date, or she will actively pursue you harder. She sounds like the later type. Your choice op.
Don’t.
Ur both better off separating and going your own ways.