My (f28) bf (m34) and I have been dating around 9 months and it’s been lovely. I’ve never been so attracted to someone or had so much fun. Sometimes though, I feel like I can’t talk to him about how I’m feeling, and right now that’s being exasperated by the fact that I’m on a 3 week trip visiting parents, 7000 miles away and 11 hour time difference.
He’s never been a big texter (with me at least) so communications have been limited (we usually get along really well face to face and basically can’t stop talking).
There were a few days where i was on the road without a local sim so couldn’t call him, but I’ve been making a point to do so now that I’m on wifi. Our conversations feel stifled and text conversations are basically non existent (just “miss you”, “look at this picture/link/etc” kind of things).
I’m getting really sad and imagining the worst. I wish we could talk more, in past relationships I’d text a lot if the situation necessitated it and have long fulfilling conversations. I hate comparing to past relationships but that is the only thing I wish was different.
I would not at all be surprised if he breaks up with me when I get back. Unfortunately early on he talked a lot about his many many past hookups so I’m also kinda stuck in this insecure mindset and at my lowest moments I expect he’s cheating on me. When I think about it more I know he’s not a bad person but idk how else to explain this coldness I’m feeling. I wish he’d tell me everything’s ok and say sweet things to me but I can’t say that to him, I don’t want to sound insecure and needy. If I am imagining it I dont want to plant the seed and get him thinking about it, giving him a reason to break up with me . I’m so sad though.
This is pretty pathetic having written it out. I don’t know what I’m asking for help with. I’m just sad. I need more. More communication, more compassion, more concern and interest and involvement, more love. Anything. I don’t know how to get through the next week
Edit: I’ve been up all night making myself upset but I think I can finally sleep thanks to everyone’s advice, tough love, and kind words. I’ll continue to read when I wake up, but till then thank you all very much it’s been very helpful!
14 comments
I feel for you and I’m sorry you don’t feel entirely secure. Nothing is going to change or help apart from communicating this to him. It’s tough but that is the only way you can feel more secure or get the answers you need.
This seems to be a “you” issue, not a him issue. You’re anxious and can’t self-soothe and so you’re resorting to catastrophizing about him dumping you. What evidence do you have that he’s cheating or wants to break up with you? (Asking for evidence is a CBT technique.)
If your boyfriend breaks up with you for asking for more affirmation and more affection, then both of you are not compatible anyway.
You’ve been dating for 9 months – that’s enough time to build trust and be vulnerable with each other. If you don’t tell him, how can you expect him to know this is how you feel and for the situation to change? Also, if he loves you, he would want you to be happy and if he can do something as simple as sending you a “I care about you” message to do that, most boyfriends would be more than willing to.
I’m someone who needs words of affirmation (it’s my love language), and when I feel like I’m missing that from my boyfriend, I remind him by asking him to say something sweet, and he has often surprised me with how thoughtful his responses have been. Similarly, I try to model what I want to see – I send him one thing I appreciate about him/ that he did that I’m really thankful for when I text him goodnight.
A two week trip might would have been better.
I think if you want more you need to show a little initiative. Express that you miss him, and will be happy when you get back, then ask how he’s doing..he’ll probably reciprocate.
I don’t really know him well, but he could be thinking you’re the one on the trip and maybe cramming things in. Tell him you would like to talk and use a voip app. Also, zoom is really good and you can video call for free for a hour.
You can figure this out, but you seem to be scared to try. If he you and him can be mature and both show effort then you’ll be stronger rather than weaker. Also, next trip set up how you’re going to communicate instead of not having a plan.
It’s time to put the big girl pants on and tell, plan, and act on what you want..starting now. Get motivated, you are acting out of fear rather than trying to secure the issue.
If he doesn’t reciprocate then it’s better to deal with it now than a year from now, relationships are easier when people are diplomatic and clear on what they want, expect, and what they are willing to put up with.
This whole texting business is ruining things. Texting too much, texting not enough. What did the text mean? Totally inferior form of communication.
Some things I’ve learned from similar situations in the past:
1. Communicate what you want/need from your SO. It really helps if you can focus this simply on how you feel and what you’re asking from them. For example, the really limited communication is making my anxiety flare up. Could we do X/Y/Z to have more frequent/longer conversations.
Your partner isn’t a mind reader. So it will take them years to learn what you want/need, and they still wont always get it right. In my experience, not communicating your needs leads to one or both of the following happening:
– Your partner starts to notice that you’re acting off, which causes them to start acting off as well. Overall this causes the quality of the conversations to get worse.
– Your partner doesn’t notice, and you start to resent your partner since the relationship isn’t meeting your need.
2. It’s important to come up with ways to manage your anxiety yourself. Relying on your partner to manage your mental health is extremely unhealthy and can be damaging for both of you and/or the relationship.
Most men are not elaborate in texting, just not how their brains work. Despite the radical time difference, planning it could be perfect for one waking ip while the other goes to sleep and call each other.
If he’s never been much of a texter, and you’ve never really said anything about what you want, I don’t think he’s going to suddenly show all these things you’re looking for.
If it’s part of the test to see if he truly loves you, I don’t think he’ll pass.
u/sadsadsadsaddo — award because you’re participating and accepting suggestions and recommendations!
1. Consider that he’s falling back a bit to allow you to enjoy the time with your family. You’re only there for 3 weeks so maybe he’s trying to be considerate. If you want more communication just ask, like “I’m gonna call you at 8pm your time tomorrow, cool?”.
2. Having lots of hookups in the past doesn’t make him unable to be faithful in a relationship and if he really wanted to cheat he wouldn’t have to wait until you traveled to do it.
3. Your thoughts are robbing you of this precious time with your loved ones and threatening your relationship at the same time. From what you’ve shared it all seems to be in your mind. I hope you find tools to cope with how you’re feeling.
While there are things for yourself to reflect on too (why does it make you feel afraid? Whats actually behind it etc?) it is still totally normal to also ask your partner to meet you in the middle.
He might not even know that is is causing stress to you and that you are not feeling secure. You need to express your feelings about it, in a kind way and just focusing on how do you feel and what do you need. I think it’s best done in person though, but video chat might be ok too. I would wait until you get back though and then start working on this issue. Until then try to enjoy your time away and remind yourself that most likely everything will be ok!
And if he reacts badly about you expressing your concerns, he is not the one for you anyway. Good luck!
He could just be a bad texter yk
I’m one. I can’t bring myself to talk to people over text.
I think video chatting is probably better than phone/text for a committed couple who are apart for a few weeks
Beau you are just over reacting over nothing. Dont let the Devil works on yr mind and sanity ok? Enjoy yr trip.
3 weeks away is not a long separation time and a loss in communication or lack of it in a foreign country is quite common and it wasnt yr fault.
As soon as you get back home, check in again with him and look out for any changes, in the meantime no worries over nothing ok?