Our relationship is great, she is a truly good person, beautiful and our sex life is excellent.
The giant red flag is that she told me that before starting our relationship, she slept only with her previous boyfriend and they broke because he cheated on her.
A good friend in common told me that he slept with her in a threesome with another man (40y) and he even showed me several pictures of them having sex!! He simply told me to be careful (they had sex together before we started our relationship) because probably she was also with other men that she never mentioned.
I love her, she is great with me, we talk a lot, sex is extremely frequent and amazing but after this I don’t know if I really know her.
Advices?
36 comments
She’s a proven liar, now you have to ask yourself what else is she lying about?
At this point, I wouldn’t trust her and I’d be going over in my head what is true and what isn’t.
Also, being embarrassed or scared of being shamed isn’t a good enough excuse for lying in the context.
I get why she lied to you. Is it GOOD that she lied to you? Nope. But I get it. Spend enough time in r/sex and you’ll see that some dudes get REALLY freaked-out over female partners who have had too many sex partners. (Where the definition of “too many” often seems to boil down to “more than me.”) Slut-shaming is real. Apparently she didn’t want to run the risk of you rejecting her because of her history, so she took that decision out of your hands.
Ask yourself, if she had come clean with you and admitted she used to get up to some freaky shit, would you care? If she was right, if you do care, if the fact that she was probably with more than one guy before you is more than you can handle, then spare you and her a whole bunch of heartache and just break up with her already.
But if you don’t mind her having a history and are legit just put off by the lie, then talk to her about it. Be kind and non-accusatory. Tell her what you know. (And, erm, also warn her that your mutual “friend” is willing to show people pics of her fucking him, and rethink whether this is someone you actually want in your life, because DUDE. Horny pics are private. I wouldn’t trust this guy.) Give her a chance to explain, and come clean. Show her that she CAN actually trust you with her past.
Moving forward, your big concerns are STIs and fidelity. If it’s been more than six weeks since her last non-you sex partner, then get yourselves tested, and deal with anything that comes up. As to whether or not she can be faithful to you going forward, explicitly talk about whether or not she’s cool with being monogamous with you, hear what she has to say.
She does legit need to rebuild some trust with you, and if you get the sense that she regularly tells you what she thinks you want to hear in lieu of what’s actually true, you have a Problem. But if this is a relationship you want to keep in your life, you’ll need to give her the opportunity to do better. And, yeah, you could get hurt if she’s not worthy of that opportunity. So it goes.
Good luck, regardless.
So something that stands out to me is that this guy has PICTURES of a threesome with this girl and some middle aged man, and that doesn’t seem to be a concern to you? I truly hope you made him delete them or at least told him it’s disgusting he kept them. Your girlfriend deserves to know he had them, too, in case she wasn’t aware.
This isn’t some huge mystery. She lied because she was embarrassed and afraid it would ruin the relationship before it even started. Obviously, lying isn’t a great start either, but either you asked, and she thought it would be a deal breaker for you, or she has experienced issues with it in the past and brought it up to try and get ahead of the game.
People seem to be assuming she’s promiscuous or freaky or whatever, but there’s an equally good chance that this threesome where your friend took pictures of her and some 40 year old man was a low point in her life that she is ashamed of or didn’t want to have to revisit.
Regardless, just talk to her. Tell her about the pictures 100%, and just calmly ask her why she lied to you. It’s pretty easy to resolve this.
Lying is bad, but some people take it a little far with this kind of thing. It’s early in the relationship, and she was probably just embarrassed and made a poor judgment call. Just talk about it straightforwardly and casually.
I’ll just say what I think.
You should disappear completely, she isn’t someone you wanna be with. Idc if she’s afraid or slut shaming, society’s problem…Idgaf
You asked her to be totally honest with you, and she wasn’t, is there something else I should add?
I don’t think so
“I get that you may have been worried about my judgements regarding your history, but that’s for me to make decisions about, not you. If you want to say that you’re uncomfortable providing me information, then do that by saying, ‘I’m not ready to talk about [X] yet’, but do not lie to me.”
Why does this man have pictures of her having sex? Can we start there?
Ride that bike like it’s stolen, but be ready ditch it if it get too hot!
Will you ever be able to see her the same way after the pics you saw?
Statistically, promiscuity leads to more promiscuity. Higher sex partners prior to marriage are correlated to higher divorce rates, and it’s not hard to speculate upon why. Throw in lying and it’s an even higher chance this won’t end well for you.
Many people in the comments are saying something along the lines of “she must have been at a low point, you should support her”. I don’t think they would be so kind if sexes were reversed. Think about that.
Now you’re both young, so you both have time to recover from this if you end it. It’s on you to decide if she’s the one for you, or you want to move on and continue to make your way through life. Think about what you want to stand for. What you tolerate is what you stand for.
I sincerely doubt most people have told their present partner everything about their past whether it be sexual in nature or not or told the exact truth but yet so many seem to be ready to have this person break up with this girl for doing the exact same thing they themselves are guilty of. Let the first among you who is without sin……..
Have you told your gf this guy has nude pics of her and is showing people? I’m confused how that isn’t the main thing here?
You can speak your feelings to your GF after she’s made aware of what could be potential revenge porn.
People worry about shame when disclosing stuff. Yes, she was dishonest; but I’m also ambivalent about how good a friend is who shares stuff like that with you. It reflects poorly on him.
Yes, she lied. But I feel that you should keep emphasizing, “Our relationship is great, she is a truly good person, beautiful and our sex life is excellent” and “I love her, she is great with me, we talk a lot, sex is extremely frequent and amazing.” Work on your present and your future. She’s with you…and you stated all the positives of that.
Bro she lied about her past don’t take her seriously, why is that a question, besides if you are on Reddit asking advice about this, it’s gonna cause you more heart terrors later, plenty of other women on the planet
But if you can’t live without her then go for it if you can stomach that
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That’d be a deal breaker for me. Like shes already blatantly lying to your face…..
red flag what else has, or will she lie about?
If I were told the truth, it’d be different, but lying is one thing I do not tolerate in relationships.
If my partner ask me about my sexual history I give it to them crystal clear. That way they know what they are getting into.
Its up to you to decide if you still want to be with her. I personally think the fact she lied is bad.
Regardless I’d feel pretty awkward being with someone that my friends have “passed around”
Leave. This sounds fckn messy and exhausting.
Ignore all these benefit of the doubt comments, wrap it up if you gonna keep fucking her but I wouldn’t keep her as my girlfriend any longer. She lied about that, and will probably continue to lie about other stuff. She had the chance to be straight up w you
She’s just shown you she has no problems telling lies or omitting information when it suits her. She’s not a long term prospect.
Unfortunately, what you know and how you feel.about her is skewed by infatuation. She lied to you about something MAJOR. To me, that would be a massive red flag. But then again, full disclosure,I would only look for a partner I want to marry, so trust is absolute. If I wanted to just screw around and have a good time for a short while, then your gf sounds perfect for that.
A lot of people are really downplaying the fact the she lied to you. That’s a huge issue.
Facts: Your friend is a douche and your gf is a proven liar. It’s all just bad and I’m sorry for you. A “truly good person” doesn’t lie to her SO, and a good friend doesn’t show him pictures of him fucking his gf.
Ditch the douche friend, confront her, tell her that her douche ex-sexual partner doesn’t just have pictures but also showed them to you, and let her know that trust has been broken, and now she will have to work on regaining that trust while you heal which to start would mean to start saying the truth. Couples therapy might be required.
Be careful OP. She lied. That’s the bottom line. No excuse for lying, ever.
I think the most alarming thing in the post is someone willingly showing pictures of your girlfriend while being intimate…
You definitely need to talk to her and get her side.
Not to be a Debbie Downer, but make sure those pictures and that “threesome” was consensual. I do not know you. I DO NOT know your friend, so I am hoping I am wrong–but if she was victimized, those are leverage and your friend is an awful person.
OR she could just simply be sharing her past truthfully because she is scared of what you might think or has a pre-conceived idea of what you want to hear.
That last option is what I went through with my wife.
Again, not saying anything except *talk to her* because the possibilities are wild.
It’s the fact that she lied that’s concerning. If she was ashamed of the number she could have just said she doesn’t feel comfortable discussing that. I mean it’s really nobody’s business. But how I see it if somebody lies to me about something like that they’d also lie to me about if they have an STI or not and that’s a no no. Trust is big with me. Honestly I could not seriously be with someone who failed to mention that they fucked one of my good friends either.
Something I don’t see mentioned is that have you talked to her about it? Was this sex even consensual? There might be a bigger reason she keeps it to herself – the situation seems odd with her being quite new to sex and then being with two (one quite older) men who took pictures of her and showed them to you???
I’d approach this gently, I have a bad feeling about this, and I feel for her. I have been – and see hundreds of other women – forced into similar situations when drugs and alcohol are involved and then “photos” with no context are used to shame the victims.
If you won’t be able to let go of this, then you should move on.
Did your “good friend in common” have your girlfriend’s consent to show fuck pictures of her to anyone (including you)?
Because if he didn’t have her consent to show you (or anyone) those, then he isn’t your friend. And especially not *her* friend. He’s a criminal and a bastard, and you probably should have kicked his ass immediately.
You should be a *lot* more concerned about that right now than you should be about how your girlfriend came across her skills in the sack that are blowing your mind.
Maybe *after* you help her deal with being criminally violated by your “mutual friend,” then she’ll trust you with the truth about what sort of sex she’s had before. Hardly anyone ever trusts someone with that info until they know them really well; maybe it was none of your business at first. You didn’t say how long you’ve been with her, but it sounds from context clues like it’s a matter of days or weeks, not months.
If my guess is correct, then yeah, it was none of your business. It was a bit of a dick move for her to tell you something she made up, instead of just telling you it was none of your business, but women are under a lot of pressure to be “sweet” and not confrontational, and can have some legit, well-founded anxiety about being too candid about this shit, or with saying “that’s none of your business” to someone. Especially if she’s been hanging with a dangerous, toxic crowd of people like your “mutual friend!”
Lies are usually bad, but this one is one that it’s ok to let slide, I think, if she’ll talk to you about it now and let you know that she’ll tell you about her past when she’s ready and acknowledge that you deserve for her to trust you enough not to lie. But you should think about punching your mutual friend in the throat for showing pics of *YOUR GIRLFRIEND* having sex to people. Or, better yet, bring that up with your GF and offer to help her get the motherfucker arrested and prosecuted for violating her like that.
Why do people ask about their partners past. If the sex is great, then it probably is something they have done quite a bit of. Get yourselves tested, be safe, and enjoy!
Likewise, why lie about history?
Why does “his good friend” still have pictures of her having sex? Did nobody else catch that?
Never ask a woman about her sexual past- it is not worth the mind-fuck. All you need to know is if she is healthy and she is into you. If she lied about her past, she is either not proud of it or she has moved-on from that stuff. Just be with her. Enjoy her.
You love the only version of her she’s allowed you to see
The fact that she lied about it is a problem. If she cannot be truthful about her past sexual partners what else can be not truthful about?
I can’t tell you what to do but if this were me I would have a long talk about it and try to get to the bottom of why she lied to you. If you then get the answer you were looking for then you can determine if you want to keep the relationship going or not. If she cannot or will not talk with you about it then I would end things as she is not someone who can be trusted.
Woah, why are you not concerned about this guy showing people pics of your gf naked and engaging in sexual acts? If that is not your #1 priority, you do not care about this woman.
She shouldn’t have lied but truth be told this doesn’t matter you like her or you don’t. As for your friend he’s a weirdo and you need to tell her he has her pics.
Look, I can’t justify lying, especially in a relationship. I don’t agree with that.
From a female perspective, being asked about sexual history can be really loaded. So many women feel intense pressure to be a certain way, to not have slept with too many guys, the fear of being valued less and labelled a whore etc etc.
When I’ve been asked by men about how many people I’ve slept with, I hate the question. Because it feels like there’s a right answer and if I don’t fit it then they will look at me differently. This could be how your girlfriend felt. I often just don’t say a number to a man because lying isn’t the way to go, but also at the end of the day “body count” is not actually verifiable so that’s why lots of people do lie about it.
I would say try to understand her perspective and where she is coming from. This doesn’t necessarily mean her character is one of a liar etc….. People are more than the worst things they’ve ever done.
I wonder how many people would be defending the gf if the genders were reversed….
I definitely understand the societal standards and shame aspect but unfortunately that’s just a garbage excuse unless you’re a high schooler and know the relationship isn’t for the long haul.
Obviously if it wasn’t consensual it’s a completely different situation and I understand her not disclosing it yet.