I have absolutely no clue how people talk for hours at a time. Even when I’m with friends I’ve known for a decade plus I’m mostly silent because I just don’t have anything to say. My friends are okay with me not speaking much but it feels impossible to make more friends because I can’t hold a conversation at all. I’ve been told to say the first things that come to mind but my mind is completely blank 90% of the time, like nothing at all going on in there. How do people do it?
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I think some people are just wired differently. Some people have very active minds where thoughts are quickly and continuously racing through, and so it’s easier for them to just say whatever comes to mind. On top of that, some people have lower inhibitions, so their filter for what they say isn’t as strict as others. While some people are naturally like this, I think that you can become more skilled at conversation though. It just takes practice like anything else.
Got something you’re really good at or have a lot of knowledge about or just really enjoy? Ever had someone ask you about that very thing and you find you just can’t stop talking about it?
I think some people are like that with more generalized topics, and even when they’re not particularly knowledgeable they still enjoy saying everything they’re thinking on the subject. This seems to particularly apply to more judgmental personalities.
I think inhibition is a big part of this. Most of the time I am a blank slate in social settings, but with a beer in me, things flow more naturally. I’m guessing you have things you’re naturally interested in in life, and I’d actually say outright that you are an interesting person. Because you have a perspective no one else has or ever will. Genuinely and literally – you do have something to bring to the table even if it doesn’t come naturally. you might just be operating from a similar state as me.
I would personally argue that you have plenty to say given the right context – its just that things like curiosity, interest, and feeling safe are all sort of prerequisites to accessing that stuff naturally. When you force yourself to talk, it’s harder to bring the real you out. For me, my nervous system is simply too active to easily get there (without practice/awareness). I’m too conscious of what others think, worried about what I’ll say, worried about how I look, etc – and those are all resources being diverted from the part of my brain that would have “things to say” – so it’s no wonder I’ve got nothing. My brain is busy with the stuff it thinks is too important (but might not be as important as i think).
The question for me, in my journey right now, is how can I practice letting go and allowing myself to potentially mess up without it having adverse effects. Where can I practice? There are places with lower stakes where I can test things. How do I let go of those brain resources dedicated to keeping my image of myself “safe”.
Also I’m not saying drink beer.
What everyone else has said but it’s also confidence.
I’ve really noticed a lot really just how uninteresting a lot of people can be sometimes – they’ll just talk at you and give you loads of details you don’t need or stories that aren’t really interesting – but it’s perfectly normal, they’re just confident, not in their head thinking about how they’re coming across. This is super common I think and it’s worth remembering that and trying to capture that carefree vibe. Easier said than done
Yeah, it always astounds me how some people can just have endless things to say. But the way I see it is that probably every single one of us have plenty to say, I think what it is is that we don’t think any of it is important or will be well received so we don’t say it.
Like I presume we all have thousands of thoughts throughout just a single day, imagine years of accumulated thoughts, there’s no way we don’t have a single thing to say lol. I think other people just have had more practice speaking and just have things to say that appeal to more people overall. Well that’s what I think. But I struggle to find anything to even talk about sooooo yeah. I suck at talking lol
I’ve found listening to podcasts helped me develop better social skills. I used to hate socializing (in person) due to being shy and maybe even some anxiety. I grew up with a major stuttering issue as kid all the way to early highschool. Luckily it has passed and I’ve learned to control it better. Now, I can mostly talk with anyone and have in depth/long convos.
If I’m out with my friends or on break with a co-worker, I try to chain the conversation. What I mean by chaining the conversation is try to have topics connected in some way or another – no matter how small or large the connection is – then let it flow from there.
It also helps to keep up to date with current events (news, shows, movies, politics if that’s your thing; so on and so forth). It’s all about being comfortable, being respectful (listening and understanding what the other person or persons say and them listening and understanding what you say) and not trying to force it. Having confidence too helps out a lot.
I tend to be selective with my words and speak less than I listen, but I could probably talk for several days on end if I didn’t need sustenance and sleep. I have an unending stream of consciousness that merely needs to be redirected to my victim
Lol you sound just like me, idk about you but im 18 M, and im not into partying/drinking and pretty much do my own thing. I´ve got a few friends i talk about serious stuff but I seriously cannot find the point in hanging out with a group and talk about stupid repetitive things, sometimes your interests are the conflicting thing imo.
I can keep conversing with people that share a common interest with me (tho it has to be something that makes up a big part in my life); But i could care less about what the “usual” conversation is about during pre game gatherings, etc.
PS: yes im writing from my own room a friday night 🙂
Like someone else mentioned, I think it is just about being wired differently. I personally am ADHD and wish I could shut off my thoughts. My thoughts happen faster then I could ever verbalize them. I try to make sure I listen though and don’t talk too much. If you like video games (which you mentioned in another comment) there is so much to talk about with that. But also to your friends you can tell them of life events. You have a whole life of little stories that have happened to you. Tell them. But it’s also ok to just not be that talkative. Some people just aren’t.
I relate to you 1000%!! I’m in the same exact boat! I don’t know what to say because my head is blank 90% of the time too! So thank you for posting this.
Talking is a skill. Just like any other skill, it gets better with practice.
Your mind is blank 90% of the time? Have many conversations every day for a week. With family, with strangers, with coworkers, hell record yourself and pretend your camera is a person to talk to.
Memorize the word FORM (family, occupation, recreation, motivation). So if you can’t think of anything else then think refer to it (talk about family, ask them if they enjoy their job, what do you do for fun, what hobbies do they like)
Your conversations might be awkward and slow at first. But I guarantee you after that week is over your mind will be blank less then 90% of the time and your social skills will be a tad better. Practice for a full year and you will be a changed person.
I think it’s just person to person, honestly. For me, talking’s easy because I have an unstoppable inner dialog going constantly. I think in words. In fact, I talk to myself as I’m thinking without even realizing. That kind of process makes it really easy to hold a conversation because, to one extent or another, I’m never *not* conversating.
So conversation isn’t your thing, but that’s okay. In your shoes, I’d do three things: ask questions about what the other person has said, “yes, and” the other person, and wait until you hear a common interest you can comment on.
The first two are investigatory until you get to the third. Once you have the third, it’s just commentary on what you like or don’t like about the thing or what they do or don’t like.
Ultimately all that boils down to being reactive in conversation. Work with what they give instead of hoping to find something in yourself, y’know? Eventually you might land to a point where you can actually suss out your lurking thoughts or feelings, amd be able to contribute bits of yourself a lil more fully.
When you’re considerate and attentive you always find something to say. You’re talking to sound in your head when you should be talking to the person on front of you. Living in present takes practice to get used to.
Don’t give-in to comments like “wired different” or whatever self diagnosed “introvert” disability excuses they got.
In my experience, if you stop giving a shit, you’ll say a lot more. I picked this up from my extrovert husband. I’m introverted, and depending on who I’m talking to: my brain doesn’t want to have meaningless conversation. I also think no one gives a shit, since I never give a shit what people tell me (to be honest). Or I’ll think “don’t say that, it’s stupid”.
I learned people who talk a lot really just talk about a lot of useless bullshit. And most of it is repeated/repetitive. So they cycle the same shit, just to different people.
My husband always leads into the same 5-10 stories, and people think it’s hilarious or interesting. I personally thinks it’s boring to talk about the weather, or things my dog does, or ways to prepare food. But most people eat that shit up!
So when people are just talking and talking and talking…I can think of other simple, stupid stuff to add to the conversation- and they light up!
If there’s a lull in the conversation just bitch about something (I learned this one, too). People love to complain and bond over bitching about stuff. “It took over 2 hours at the DMV today!” If all else fails bring up the weather (trust me).