No personality/social isolation

No personality/Social Isolation

I realize that I’ve been terribly isolated as a kid and now I’ve no personality. For the first 2 years of my life, I lived on the road with my mother and dad in apartments and hotels traveling from state to state for my dad’s job. My dad didn’t let my mom and I leave the room out of fear of something happening is due to a break in that happened in our apartment building. For much of my life I never spent time out with any friends. Sometimes we would go to see family and I eventually had two little sisters. My early years were a bit tough with my mom and dad constantly fighting and I would escape through reading books. That’s all that I did as a kid. Then once I got my phone at 13 I ditched the books and started using that more endlessly scrolling on social media and watching YouTube. I never messaged anyone or talked to anyone via the internet. In elementary and middle school I never joined any sports, or clubs, or hung out with any friends after school. In middle school I started to also feel really anxious all the time asking to the restroom in every class period because of my stomach issues but I realize now that it was probably my anxiety I started to come out of my social bubble a bit in high school by actually talking to people in school which I rarely did in elementary and middle school then covid hit and my progress fell away. I was alone for a whole year doing online classes since my mom was so worried about me getting sick and didn’t want me to go back. I started to feel really empty and touch-starved and resorted to porn to fill that emptiness eventually resulting in a porn addiction. I struggle with depression and thoughts of killing myself When I went back to school in my senior year, I started communicating again with people in classes and such but still never hung out after school with people or did many activities out of school. I did make some progress by choosing to be a part of the talent show as a guitarist which was arguably the happiest moment of my entire life. In college I was invited by an old classmate to work on an online business together and he introduced me to being social and hanging out. Now we’re working for my fathers business but I realized that I really struggle talking to him. We talked before but mostly about business money and self improvement. Now I realize that I don’t know much about anything such as cars, pop culture, or anything. I know that I’ve always been an observer of other people but never developed my own personality. I find it hard to talk to people and get in relationships with girls and I feel like I’m still mentally a child. People find me boring and awkward cause I just don’t what to say. I’m lost and I don’t who I am or supposed to be. I’m tired and sometimes I’ve thoughts of ending it all since I can’t find some way to enjoy life and being around other people. I am at my last resort. Eve thing is so boring to me but now I realize that im the boring one