My partner and I have had a rough time. He has been struggling with his mental health and only recently started getting better.
Yesterday, i was talking about visiting a friend and if he wanted to join us. He gave me a non committal answer even though this is happening soon. he has recently had multiple trips, which he says he didn’t feel great on. I tried to tell him I wasn’t feeling great on a trip we took, but did it anyways and was trying to connect with him. He took it as me ignoring his feelings and when I felt crushed and said “leave me alone” he flipped out on me, said he hated me, said our relationship wa never going to get better and said he didn’t want to be with me.
I talked him down and he’s still angry with me. Very often he gets very angry, says he wants to break up, then calms down. I asked him while he’s calm if he wants me to just let it slide and just let him break up, if he would prefer that, he said no he wouldn’t prefer that.
He said a lot of things about my character that were hurtful. He said I was annoying, he said I always have drama, He said I always have a problem. he said it’s no surprise that people don’t want to deal with me and don’t choose me. I feel really lost, hurt and confused. but I still love him and don’t want to lose him. He made a comment about “look what you’re willing to tolerate” and it hurt me too.
Should I let him go? Should I take this to heart?
Thank you.
32 comments
My granny always told me “when somebody shows you who they are, believe them”. I tell my nephews and my godson “mean what you say and say what you mean”. I say those things to say, he spoke his true mind when he said those things. You deserve someone who’s not going to talk to you or treat you that way. Even if he didn’t mean it he should have never said it. Ditch the dead weight.
He needs help.
I don’t mean that in a condescending way. He needs to get that temper and those outbursts checked out. Those are not normal things to do, for an adult.
Are you his girlfriend or an orderly in his mental hospital? It’s not your job to deal with all his issues. Break up with him.
He literally told you “look what you’re willing to tolerate” he sees you as desperate. You should’ve immediately said you’re right and left. don’t cry over boys when your husband is out there waiting to love everything about you without verbally abusing you every now and then
He sounds like a child, probably best to leave this one.
He told you how he feels towards you sometimes and it was beyond harsh. What he said and his frequent angry outbursts could possibly be construed as abusive. He told you “look what you put up with”, darlin’ he doesn’t respect you. What kind of healthy relationship can you have with someone who doesn’t respect you and has angry outbursts where he hurls insults and is mean, he doesn’t love you in a healthy way, if at all. I’m really sorry you’re having to deal with such a obviously painful and unhealthy relationship. Please be honest with yourself and evaluate your relationship from a standpoint of how he treats you and talks to you and determine if it’s good for you to stay with him. Please be kind to yourself and stick up for yourself.
Don’t date people who are mean to you.
Why are you trying to force him on a trip he doesn’t want to go on? Why are you trying to force him to stay in a relationship he’s clearly unhappy in? He’s absolutely worse than you here, but you’re not blameless.
Get the hell out,this will only escalate.
Why are you with this man? Struggling with mental health isn’t a reason to treat your partner like they’re nothing. It’s not an excuse to be cruel and purposefully hurtful. He wants to cause you pain. That is not a good partner and you don’t need to tolerate that.
Leave him. He’s not going to stop.
If you want to feel hurt and cry on a daily or weekly basis, stay. If you want to have peace and enjoy a happy and relaxed life, leave.
None of this is your fault. He’s using you as a scapegoat for his mental illness issues. Just remove yourself and let him work on himself or fail. You cannot shoulder the blame and the burden of being his emotional punching bag. Find your self and try being single. I think you will flourish.
As someone who struggles with mental health on a regular basis, LEAVE this loser.
Love is not worth it to put up with that shit. I would NEVER say anything to hurt my wife
He’s being awful, but he’s also right.
Let that dude be. He’s got his own problems. You’re not helping, and probably can’t. He’s hurting you, and you’re just. Soaking up the pain. Stop that.
Upvote please
When I was 18 I was in a relationship with a man who did the same and said a lot of the same things. It didn’t start out that way but then over time it became worse. Constantly told me I’m annoying or no one likes me, brought down my self esteem in every way he could but then turned around and threatened breaking up. Whenever I would say ok we should separate he would suddenly say no and he’d be kind for a bit. Rinse and repeat. And eventually it got even worse.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. The nice times aren’t worth how bad and often the bad times are. I promise you can find someone who loves you and appreciates you and will show you those things every day. Someone who cares about you would not talk to you or treat you like that.
Leave.
Simple fact: You need things around you that better your life, things that worsen it you need to avoid. True right?
Now apply this to your situation OP.
He is abusive ans trying to control you and keep you by degrading you and pushing your limits. No person should be work to be around, a life partner should be easy to be around and not the cause of conflict and pain.
It’s not you. Choose your own happiness and dont give others power to control you. Other people only have control because of the power that is given.
I get the feeling from your responses that you are in deeper than you think. You keep defending this terrible man. A normal person does not do what he does. And if it really is all about you, a normal person would communicate this in an acceptable manner and if its too mucb he should be honest about it and break up.
This man is messing you up mentally and it is working, judging from your responses.
Please listen to the peopke here, you cant see clearly now but we can. If you dont act quickly, this relationship will mentally haunt and break you and while he will move on to the next victim, you will be left behind picking up whatever is left of you..
YOU DESERVE BETTER. LOVE YOURSELF MORE.
You should let him go and learn to respect yourself more before entering another relationship.
From what I can see from your other comments as well as your actual post, he’s gaslighting you badly.
You appear to be very apologetic from what you perceive as negatives on your behalf, or which is also likely, he’s manipulated you into thinking this.
His behaviour is disgusting, mental health is not an excuse to be an abusive prick.
I’ve had quite a few issues myself over the years, but not once have I taken it out on anyone.
You need to leave and never look back. Find someone who can actually be caring towards you.
You know that you only have the one life right? This is it,there are no do-overs. Stop wasting it with this guy. Whoever is responsible, it’s clear neither of you are doing each other any favours and nobody is happy in this situation. Someone needs to grow a backbone and get out of there. You are literally wasting your life on this nonsense.
You should break up. From what you have said you clearly aren’t healthy for one another, regardless of who’s to blame, it simply isn’t healthy for either on of you
He may have MH issues, like BPD. You should suggest he seek therapy on your way out the door.
Dump him. Mental health issues are not an excuse to use you as an emotional punching bag.
You’re young and he’s done. Break up and move on
Your boyfriend is emotionally abusive and manipulative, and I hear you when you say you don’t want to lose him, but I want you to hear me when I say you would be better off if you did. Somewhere out there, a healthy relationship that would actually make you happy is waiting for you.
I know a lot of people here are saying this emotional abuse can escalate to physical violence, and I know it seems a stretch to you. But it can be slow, and insidious. It took a couple years before my ex lost his loving persona and by then we had a kid and I was still hopeful cause that is what trauma bonding does to you. When it’s good, it’s really, really good. And it gets good right after the bad and you feel like you can let the bad slide. It took 15 years for my ex to work from loving new partner to breaking my nose and my child cleaning up my blood. 15 years I could have spent with someone without these early signs like you’re seeing now, 15 years of ups and downs so bad I thought I had bipolar disorder myself cause of the gaslighting and 15 years after people warned me, too. I miss who I was before those 15 years. Look how you feel now and decide if you can go decades feeling this way and eventually even worse. Can you do that to yourself?
He tells you every which way why he doesn’t like or respect you and your response is that you don’t want to lose him. What do you not want to lose? Do you plan on spending your life walking on eggshells so he doesn’t get in a bad mood? Walk away because he’s right, you’re relationship will never get better.
The people we share our homes and hearts with (parents, siblings, SOs) become the voice inside our head.
It doesn’t matter if you love him…you can’t allow that sort of inner self-talk to become permanent. It will destroy you.
Simple answer is you need to leave him. Don’t waste your time.