I’ll try and keep this short and simple. I’ve (32M) have been with my wife (30F) for 15 years and married for 12. We’ve got a pretty apple pie kinda life. No major issues in a long time or anything like that.
I work days and she works a 12 hour night rotating shift. One day a week she comes home 2 hours early. Last nigth was that night. She came into bed at about 4:30 and we had our usual pleasantries and all that fun stuff. I didn’t have to be at work until 7 today so I decided to get another hour of sleep or so. About an hour later, I could feel her reach over and grab my phone and I thought nothing of it. But after a little bit I was getting uncomfortable with it and asked her what she was doing. She said she saw that I had a ” close incognito tabs ” notification and she was trying to figure out what it was. So I reached over and grabbed my phone so I could show her what it was ( it was porn ) but she got a death grip on it and said ” why are you acting so weird “. I didn’t think I was acting weird, but I could understand her point. I told her that I felt uncomfortable with her grilling me about the incognito tab because she knew what it was and I just wanted to ease her mind.
She knows darn well that I’m not up to no good or anything. I have zero issues with her looking through my phone whenever she wants. I was just trying to get ahead of an inevitable mild fight, because she’s read too much into a completely innocent and explainable thing.
For the record, I don’t usually watch porn. We both work full time and when I’m off work in the evenings, childcare and housework is my responsibility so at the end of the night sometimes my nerves are just shot and I’ll use porn to help me get to sleep.
No matter how good a marriage is, both spouses are entitled a sliver of privacy right? I don’t see what my porn browser history has to do with anything, especially when she says it doesn’t bother her as long as it’s not putting a strain on our sex life.
4 comments
There are communication issues between the two of you. Go to marriage counseling which is 95% about learning effective communication skills (speaking to be understood and listening to understand). Then use those skills with the therapist as a mediator to work on issues in the marriage.
Spoken or unspoken, she has a need to know what’s going on. effective communication will get to the bottom of it.
Yes, there should be privacy in a marriage. There also needs to be open and effective communication when there’s an issue that has one feeling like they need to invade that privacy.
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In the case of infidelity (not this case), privacy is usually a waived “right” as a method of regaining trust in the spouse.
I’m going to tell a story.
My first relationship was a poisonous mess of mental health issues on her end and just being young as shit (early college).
During one of our many breakups, I was reconnecting with a girl I used to really crush on. We’d sent texts, but honestly, were just friendly with a *hint* of flirting. Very minimal flirting. Again, we’d decided we had to break up (different colleges, so many issues). I was really hurt, but it was what it was.
I get a knock on my apartment door at the beginning of the new semester. I opened it, and it was my ex. She was 5 hours away from school, didn’t have to go for like 2 more days, and decided she would show up at my place unannounced. I had to take her (or at least felt like I had to). She clearly wanted back together. We go to sleep together.
I wake up, and of course I’m in my feelings with her since I’ve had no time to move on. She’s packing her bag on the floor. I reach over to rub her shoulder and before I can ask “What are you doing?”, she slaps me. Hard. I jolt the fuck up, seeing red while also simultaneously being so groggy as I had LITERALLY just woken up maybe 20 seconds prior.
She accuses me of “talking in my sleep” about this girl that I so happened to be talking to. She badly lies, saying I said something like “that dress looks good on you”. And then the lightbulb clicks.
Not once have I ever been accused of sleep talking by my brother, who I slept in the same room with my entire life until college. Never any girl before her. Never any girl since.
She had gone through my phone while I was asleep (I’m a heavy sleeper) and 100% read the text I’d sent to that girl, where I said “that dress does look great on you”.
To this day, I have a thing about people going through my phone (mainly my partners). I’m happily married now, and I will let her go through it IF she has a good reason, but I believe there are only a few reasons where that’s valid, and I certainly don’t look through hers unless I’m looking for a picture or have to help her with something.
I’m a big believer in private things staying private. There are obvious exceptions. If you have a gut feeling and some evidence they’re cheating, I don’t fault anyone for looking through someone’s phone. If you’ve had issues in the past with hiding shit and getting caught, you gave up the privilege to be trusted.
But as a rule, I want certain things I read, look at, or text to be private. That’s completely normal IMO and anyone who wants access to EVERY single thing their partner texts or looks at is insecure as shit.
I think certain things fall under privacy: journals/diaries, private conversation with family/known friends, etc. However internet searches, social media, reddit etc no. Why would you be doing anything you couldn’t do in front of your spouse (unless it was a surprise)?
This isn’t a right to privacy issue.
Apparently, it’s not clear to her that you’re not “up to no good.” blind trust is for children. If you want trust, you have to act trustworthy.
That being said, there could be a million different reasons why she did that. It could be just her and her feelings or fears. Or a “you” issue you’re aren’t aware of from her perspective.
Saying it’s a privacy issue will just make your marriage have a sour spot. Good luck.