TW// Potential Sexual Aggression
To start, I’m sorry if this post is out of scope. While reading the sub’s rules, I noticed that nonconsensual content is prohibited. However, since I’m not sure if this falls under that category and considering that the topic is primarily about sexual education and seeking advice, I decided to post it with a trigger warning. Of course I totally understand if the mods choose to remove it.
Is it a form of marital rape if my boyfriend (26M) anally penetrated me without prior discussion? I (20F since yesterday 🎉) told him “no” multiple times, but I’m not sure if he intentionally ignored me or if he didn’t hear me since it was mixed with moans of pain (which he might have mistaken for pleasure?).
I don’t know what to do. I’m really afraid to talk to him about this because he might react defensively like “are you calling me a rapist??” or jump to the conclusion that he’ll never be sexually satisfied with me and decide to break up.
To put some context it’s important to know that I’ve experienced a lot of sexual assaults in my life (he’s aware of that), and it has made me involuntarily “vanilla” when it comes to sex (he’s unaware of that). In fact, whenever he shows even a bit of dominance, it triggers me greatly. Until now, I’ve endured and gradually accepted him pushing boundaries (hand over mouth / pillow suffocation / choking, etc.) without saying anything, but earlier, I hid and broke down in tears.
The truth is, I can’t explain this to him while fearing he might leave me, but as the same time I don’t know if I can live like this forever. I don’t know how to approach this subject with him and would appreciate advice from people who have been in similar situations.
Thanks a lot ❤️
Updates :
– When I say that “I gradually accepted him pushing my boundaries” the fact is that I never really put boundaries.. what is he gonna think if I just come to him and say “see, everything that you do since the beginning of our relationship, I never enjoyed nothing”. Tbh I feel guilty to let the situation come to this point without never saying nothing.. Now I’m afraid the pill would be to big to swallow for him. At the beginning he asked me what I was into when it comes to sex and he told me he was a basic vanilla, I said same but we didn’t get deeper into this subject, and I understood progressively that we didn’t had the same vision of what “vanilla” is, I cannot blame him for that..
– I understand that even if we didn’t set clear boundaries he should have been more attentive since he knows my past, but at the same time I can’t blame him neither since he confessed me he was an ex porn addict, and I’m very aware of what it does to you brain when you consume this type of content to young and to often, plus he comes from a family where sex is an absolute taboo so I think it was unfortunately his unique form of sex ed
Of course I’m not here do take his defense but I think it’s important to put some additional context, because everything except our sex life is going perfectly well
4 comments
You did nothing wrong: all one needs to communicate their boundaries is just tell them and this should be enough for them to be respected. The other person clearly does not respect your boundaries or you as a human being. Also this sound like at least sexual assault, maybe your past trauma are clouding your judgment – but I would strongly advice to leave that guy.
Had same with an ex
firstly it would be SA to continue anal if you said no and thats no ok for him to ever do.
you must address this to prevent it happening again, at least the best you can.
Tell him, the other time when he took it to anal it wasnt ok. that you said no but he continued. If he asks “u calling me a rapist?” straight up ask “did you not hear me say no?” Then he will answer his own question. if he says he didnt then hes not paying due care and attention doing something like that. You then need to say that boundaries need to be set before doing anything, vanilla included. If you dont like anything he does you can either say “thats a hard no” meaning he is never to do it or even push to make you agree. Or there is a soft no where you are willing to try but he must listen incase you say stop. he HAS to say beforehand everything he would do or he is not allowed to do it. if you have set a boundary to include anything then you must expect it to happen. If he chokes you and you dont mind it lightly then say “choking is ok but dont be too rough or its a hard no” and demonstrate whats ok. “pushing boundaries” is not ok and dont allow this. move your boundaries before not after.
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best advice i have is he sounds an absolute dick and doesnt deserve the chance.. get out
It is a form of marital rape if you didn’t give him consent. Since he’s aware of the sexual assaults you endured in the past, the anal penetration without your consent, and other incidents with suffocation, choking, etc., are huge, huge red flags. I know it’s easier said than done, but you need to leave him. It seems he has no qualms about hurting you and that’s just not okay. I think the fact that you’re here, reaching out for advice, even anonymously, speaks to the fact that you know he’s mistreating you and it’s not okay. You do not deserve to be treated that way. You can’t live this way forever, nor should you. You’re a young woman with a lot of life in front of you. I would definitely recommend speaking to a counselor if you can. Not only about current issues but what’s happened in the past as well. ❤️