My husband (M40) and I (F29) have been married for less than a year and have known an each other for less than 2 years. He is a very kind, loving, generous and warm person. We do have frequent arguments, given that our relationship is still fairly fresh. We agree on all important and fundamental things and are quite open minded. We both make money, but he also likes to spend a lot, throw expensive parties, give expensive gifts etc. He spoils me a lot. I have come to terms with it because he knows how to make money from his business. I work 9-5, I make close to 200k (he makes more) but I get worried about our spending and I am afraid for our future sometimes. But this is not the problem.
The issue is that he is fat. Before I agreed to marry him, he promised to lose weight and he lost from 330 lbs to 250 lbs for our engagement party. It was my condition: he needs to show me he cares about his health if he wants a family, children. I didn’t want to be a widow because of his disregard to his life.
He is 6’2” tall. He gained back all the weight. He really loves to eat. He keeps saying he will lose, but keeps on postponing it. We have no sex life for almost a year, he keeps saying that we will have lots of sex next week/next month/when he isn’t full/anytime but not now.
He has a huge belly, zero muscle mass and skinny legs with no bum (like negative bum, it curves the other way), and everything he wears gives him a wedgie and he often looks comical.
It upsets me that he broke his promise, gained weight back after we got engaged. I am objectively a very attractive woman, better educated, I take care of myself a lot, I lift heavy. I am not bragging but I am the type who always stands out in any group. I always learn and grow, work on my issues with a psychologist. My husband has a very handsome face, he is tall and has so much potential to be VERY attractive, but he has buried this opportunity. He doesn’t want to help himself.
I want to have an existing sex life, I am afraid that sex is pretty much out of the menu for the rest of my life. I want to have a partner I sexually desire. I feel bad for him because he is a prisoner of his body and has no idea what it is like when your body is your friend and tool to do cool things.
I am tired of these excuses and promises. What can I do?
EDIT: he wants to change, this is how he approached our relationship. He said: I want a different life, I want to be healthy. The problem is that he doesn’t know how to lose weight and keep it off. He loses and gains in cycles
EDIT: he took initiative going to exercise classes, signed up for gym, hired a personal trainer, attempts healthy prepared meal services. He can’t stick with these
27 comments
He should get into therapy and start seeing a nutritionist.
If you didn’t want to marry a fat person, you shouldn’t have been with a fat person. Very free people kids significant weight and keep it off. Trying to get him to change this will become toxic in your relationship. The only way you can have a healthy relationship is to fully accept that he and only her is in control of his health, and you stop monitoring it or exerting pressure on him to change it. Truly leave it up to him and instead work on managing your anxiety about it.
Personally it’s not so much the attraction factor but the limitations on stuff you can do as a couple when one is obese. Fun days at a theme park cut short because they get tired. The guilt and shame spiral they feel after a bad meal. Pickle ball sounds fun, right? Nope because after one swing they pull a muscle and need to recover for months. Adventurous vacation? Forget about it. It’s going to be a cruise where all you do is lay down and eat 24 hours. Long story short it’ll feel like you are partnered with a senior citizen.
Effects of obesity only compound with age. If you are severely over weight in your 40s it’s going to be a shit show.
at your income level talk to his doctor about ozempic. the kind of weight loss you desire only comes with a change in lifestyle and a change in body chemistry.
I only lost weight when my life was in danger. Some people need to hit that wall to change. No amount of words from my husband got me to change. Decide if you can live with him like this or not.
If he’s open to losing weight and getting into better shape, it may be worth working with a dietician or trainer. He’s going to have to have the mindset necessary to make long-term changes to his lifestyle, however, or he will likely gain weight back if he stops putting in effort once he reaches his goal.
I will say that you’ve helped to create the situation you’re in by dating and marrying someone you weren’t attracted to fully. You should not have married someone who is overweight if you’re not comfortable with it and expected him to make major changes as a condition of your relationship. I think you set yourself up for failure in that sense.
You dated him when he was obese and you failed to understand prior to dating that for obese people, managing their weight is a life long struggle. Most overweight people don’t keep the weight off for good. They gain and lose, gain and lose. It has nothing to do with willpower or that they lazy or whatever.m, it’s a vicious physical and psychological cycle. When you put on a lot of weight, it actually alters the micro biome in your intestines. Your metabolism slows down quite a bit and the altered micro biome causes intense and frequent food cravings. And then when you lose a lot of weight, you plateau at one point because your metabolism slows down again and you have to restrict even more. How miserable would you be if you were constantly feeling hungry and tired, but had to tell yourself all day long that you can’t eat. Dieting is an exhausting internal battle. I’m not saying give up on diet and exercise, but you are a fit person that’s never been obese, so you don’t know what the struggle feels like. It’s not as simple as “quit eating so much and go workout”
I’m also concerned that all your gripes about your husband are mostly focused on his physical appearance and you don’t seem concerned with the mental health issues that are causing him to eat so much and have no desire for sex. You sound like you’re angry that he’s not as attractive as you, and because you think you’re so much more attractive than him, he makes you look bad and you feel embarrassed to be seen with him or something? I don’t know if that’s true, but that’s the tone you’re giving off.
How are you approaching him with the weight problem? Are you coming from a place of love and concern and trying to be empathetic and supportive? Or are you nagging at him and nitpicking at him about what he’s eating? Are you making mean or passive aggressive comments?
Doesn’t sound like he broke his promise to me. You said if he lost the weight sooooo he did. You didn’t mention anything about gaining it back.
You threatened him into losing weight to marry you. You live a fat guy. And your description of yourself is awfully haughty…
Love him or leave him.
I am probably different than most people here, I think that not being attracted to a fat spouse is legit. You made a mistake marrying him.
The comment about “frequent arguments, given that our relationship is still fairly fresh” seems odd to me. Most people I know talk about a “honeymoon period” where they rarely fought at the beginning of their relationship. Also- you don’t seem to speak highly of him and if the weight is a dealbreaker- end it. Don’t make him change and honestly even if he does, this will always be an issue in your relationship. Accept it or not.
OP no, just no.
95% of diets fail with in five years and the person ends up putting on back all the weight they lost and sometimes more.
Does your husband have any health conditions or are you worried about imaginary ones that might happen?
Did you agree to marry the fat, nice, rich dude because you though weight loss was an easy thing?
You met a fat person, presumably fell in love with a fat person and now you are mad that he is fat?
He isn’t having sex with you because he knows you don’t find him sexy. Why would he have sex with someone that basically says “you would be so pretty if you lost weight”.
Love OP how he is right now or let him go so he can get therapy for marrying someone who hates his body.
You might be stunning on the outside OP but you don’t sound it on the inside.
Also its impossible for him to have zero muscle mass, fat people tend to be stronger than most as they have to carry around more on a daily basis.
First of all, nobody is objectively attractive. Attractiveness is very subjective. Secondly, do you even like your husband? 🤔
This is not meant to be sarcastic, I am literally writing out what comes to mind when reading your post lol. I’m curious why you married him. I noticed you listed good qualities about him, and he seems like a great guy, which is awesome. But do you love him, like “in love” with him?
What attracted you to him, what made you think to yourself “This is the guy I want to make a new life with and marry” … I’m asking because it sounds like you met him when he was big, and then he lost some weight, and then went back to the way he was when you met him. So he is now pretty much himself again. Why enter a marriage that begins with stress and frustration, and then two years later complain that he is back to his old self? Most people who complain want their spouse to be what they used to be.
He probably needs to have regular check ups with his doctor, if possible, to monitor his weight. And therapy for mental health, because if he has a food addiction, he will need more than just the will to quit over eating, it is also psychological. Some men seem to respond more to hearing their doctor tell them that their habits are killing them, and tend to ignore the wives when they have been telling them the very same thing for years.
I realize that in no way did I make any points that are going to help, but I don’t really understand why you married him in the first place. You worry about things that should have been a main factor before choosing him as your husband, but you married him as-is. You just don’t really seem to be into him as a wife of only two years, and it’s kinda not fair to either of you, IMO. Best thing might be to go separate ways, so that you both can find someone better suited for you.
Who has frequent arguments with their loved one in the early part of the relationship?
My husband is overweight and has struggled with it all of his life and has insecurities about it. I love him as he is weight and all. I’m basically a toothpick compared to him but I seriously don’t care because I love the man he is. I have told him numerous times that whether he is able to eventually lose the weight or not, I love him regardless and all I want for him is to love himself when he looks in the mirror every day what ever that means for him. It’s not easy to gain weight in my experience dealing with a high metabolism and stomach issues and it’s most definitely hard to lose the weight. If you don’t love who you married then that is a problem. You should never give a person an ultimatum on marrying you no matter the gender. Doesn’t matter what that ultimatum is. Either you marry them for the love you have for them and want spend the rest of your life with them or you don’t.
If he is able to eventually lose the weight and keep it off, great but if not, you should still be able to love him as he is no matter if he is rich or not.
If you both make all that money hire a chef and a nutritionist and a personal trainer
I don’t think you should have gotten with him only under the circumstances that he had to loose weight. He deserves better, someone who is already attracted to him even with the weigh.
But I understand wanting him to be healthier so you don’t lose him. I won’t say any more on that, you’ve got a lot of people telling you that already, so I’ll just give a little suggestion.
Take walks around your neighborhood at night. It’s hard to take that first step, even harder to build up stamina to keep going. Taking daily walks is a great way to do that. He will lose weight just from walking but more importantly, he will also build stamina.
Baby steps!
As someone who is medically obese, it’s not about not knowing. I am well aware that I am overweight. All the knowledge about HOW to lose weight is there, but it seems insurmountable when it’s 100 pounds (myself, it’s 90). Does my husband love me anyway? Yes.
I’m going to be maybe too honest here, but binge eating is a thing. When I’m stressed, I start eating. I am not hungry, I am actively trying to tell myself not to eat, and yet. Mine is rooted in a family dynamic that ‘good’ girls don’t have emotions beyond being happy. It wasn’t okay to feel things, so I shoved them down with food. It took a really long time, and a really terrific therapist, to help me see what I was doing to myself.
It may be that your husband is also dealing with his trauma (and when I say ‘trauma’ it’s not necessarily a specific thing that happened to him, but a slow wave of things) by eating. Had a bad day? Stopping at McDonalds makes it feel better.
So, long story short, therapy. Preferably with someone who specializes in eating disorders.
Hold on a second this is his body and you’re wanting him to change it. How would you feel if you were the one overweight and he was pressuring you. I’m not trying to be rude but it sounds like you like to look good and you’re embarassed by him. You like the facts he is successful and lavishes gifts and attention on you, you’re just unhappy he’s not your image or your friends image of mr pefect. How would you feel if he died as a result of these jabs and enforced dieting? I can see why you have a psychologist, do you want him to lose weight so you can be an attractive couple or would you like him to realise that being overweight is bad for his health and you want to be married to him for a long life because you love him and without him your life wouldn’t be worth living?
Umm you shouldn’t have married someone with the idea that they would change even if they promised that things will change. When you marry someone you marry them as they are. Sure change can happen in relationships but it has to come from within the person, you cannot pressure someone in to changing. Also just because you have only been together two years doesn’t mean you should have frequent arguments. If anything you should have less arguments because you would be in the honeymoon period of the relationship. It doesn’t sound like you agree on all the fundamental things as you worry about his spending and your financial future and have this issue with his weight. It sounds like you overlooked major incompatibilities in the run up to getting married.
You have decide whether you can be with him as he is. You cannot force him to change who he is. He has to want it for himself.
What are you going to do when you do have kids with this man and they turn out fat? cause you sound ALOT like my mother who loves fat men but HATES me for being fat, she’s always resented the fact I didn’t take after her bodybuilding beauty queen self and instead take after my biofather and his family.
even if he hits the gym and diets like mad chances are he’ll gain it all back, chances are your children will take after him and be large, would you be ok with that?
> He has a huge belly, zero muscle mass and skinny legs with no bum (like negative bum, it curves the other way), and everything he wears gives him a wedgie and he often looks comical.
> I am objectively a very attractive woman, better educated, I take care of myself a lot, I lift heavy. I am not bragging but I am the type who always stands out in any group.
I fully embrace that people are attracted to different things, and I get that (in most instances) physical appearance is more important to men than it is to women.
But I cannot, for the absolute life of me, wrap my head around how a fit woman who works out and takes care of herself can look at a morbidly obese guy who can’t even see his toes and doesn’t give two shits about his health, and say “it’s ok because he’s nice to me!”. If you didn’t want to be married to a fat person, then you shouldn’t have married a fat person.
Also, easy idea here: if y’all really do make over $400k per year, then have him go to a weight loss resort (assuming he’d be open to the idea). You can certainly afford it.
Keep in mind that being morbidly obese as a relatively young person is quite different than being morbidly obese as an older person. He’s 11 years older than you on top of that. The really disabling issues will be kicking in for the not too distant future.
40 year old guy with type 2 diabetes here. Changing habits, especially for guys our age, is difficult. My first recommendation would be to get into the doctor, get blood work done, get a physical done, and have them lay it down honestly. He is smart and successful, so it would reason that a trained professional telling him exactly where he is at would be received properly. This will also give him an out with his buddies (sorry guys, got bad news at the doctor’s office, can’t go crazy anymore). Third, have him imagine how much more success awaits the both of you when he does get healthy.
I’m so sorry, I know this isn’t the point, but “negative bum” has me cracking up. I would absolutely cry if someone described my backside as essentially concave 😂
Okay now that I’m done with my immature moment, I’ll share some serious advice my mother once told me. When she first started giving me relationship advice one of the first things she mentioned was “no woman has ever changed a man”.
When we start relationships with people, it is easy to idealize them and their potential. You did this, marrying a fat man and imagining his potential. I don’t blame you, it’s easy to do this. But you can’t change him, he has to want to change on his own. All you can do right now is love and support him as he is. Definitely encourage healthy habits, but ultimately it’s up to him. You have to accept that or leave.
You married a man hoping he would change….GIRL WHY???