I see a lot of advice targeting people who find it difficult when their partner doesn’t text them back. But I am often the partner who does not text back. I have a lot of trouble remembering to text when I have a free moment and having the mental energy to text people back. Often I’d like to be somewhat witty and conversational in my texts so it takes a minute for me to get into this mindset in order to text a woman.
I’m a 35M, work very long hours in my day job, and I work on my investments when I am home from work in the evenings or on weekends. I have ADHD and I find my phone very distracting so I don’t use it for personal texting during the workday. In the evening I can find time to text but it’s a bit difficult to switch into a “fun and flirty” mindset that seems to be necessary to generate an interesting conversation. Sometimes when I am anxious and overworked I won’t respond until the next day, and this often leads to a fight or the end of a relationship.
I’ve lost multiple relationships because the women I date don’t like my texting habits. I do think I am pretty emotionally responsive in person and on the phone.
Curious if anyone else has similar problems with texting and making the mental switch from “work-mode” to “fun conversation mode” in order to text a partner, and how you have dealt with the mental switching problem.
4 comments
I would say instantly is what I say I can’t be scripted
If you’re actually busy and they can learn to understand that, then it’s not a problem in my opinion. You just need to find someone who doesn’t need the constant texting contact.
It’s when you know the person is always on their phone and always has it on hand and they still don’t reply that I think it is a problem. Too many people think it’s ok to just not reply to someone instead of at least giving them a response, even if it’s not what they want to hear. People get used to ghosting being a thing now and assume if someone stops replying to them for a few hours they might be ghosting and frankly it’s a very uncomfortable feeling. You just need to reassure your partner that that’s not what’s happening the best you can.
As someone on the other side of this, your post gave me relief lol. I think the best thing you can do is be upfront, another commenter mentioned that if you text more in the beginning stages and then start responding less frequently, that could be an issue and I agree. Most people will understand if you’re upfront about your texting habits from the get go. It’s mostly if you go from responding a few times a day at first, maybe every couple hours, and then switch to maybe responding once every 24 hours or more, it could make someone think you’ve lost interest and/or cause anxiety for them. Maybe meeting people halfway – if you’re busy say something like “crazy day today, want to respond to your other message when my brain is on again but hope you had a good day” – or something so you don’t keep them on read for over 24 hours.
Or maybe tell them from the start you’re not a big texter and plan out a phone call or something between dates?
Just text them back a response followed by making plans to see them or talk at a specific time.
For example:
“Hey good morning! What are you up to today?”
“Just got to work, start of another long day. How about you? I had so much fun the other night, can’t wait to see you again. Can we check in on Thursday about weekend plans?”