Something happened in my relationship yesterday, and I don’t know if what I’m in counts as emotionally abusive, or if I really am the problem and need to work harder. I just want some perspective and understanding.

19 comments

  1. My first relationship was crazy emotionally abusive. We were young as shit (18/19), she had mental health issues (most likely borderline personality disorder), and our colleges were 5 hours away so it was long distance, too.

    To call it the biggest regret of my life would be an understatement. To say that I became a shell of the person I’ve always been is an understatement.

    I’m going to put it to you simply: if you have a gut feeling it is, then it is. If it makes you feel bad, if you’re finding you’re constantly on edge with trying to “say the right things” in an effort to not “fuck up” and “make them mad”…that would be textbook what an emotionally abusive relationship is like.

    I felt like I was being a “good guy” by sticking by her despite how bad she made me feel. Isn’t that what you do for someone you love? And you know what? Nothing I ever did was good enough. No matter how many changes I made to accommodate her crazy, her crazy found a new thing it didn’t like about me.

    I dunno how old you are, what your situation is, etc. But I would strongly consider if you want this to be your life. Because it can get really fucking dark and really fucking depressing.

  2. Is like walking on eggshells
    Nothing you do is good enough, and it’s a rollercoaster you go from the deepest sadness to the happiest in a moment, you lose yourself trying to please your abuser.
    Your family, friends, work, habits, physical and psychological health will be affected really badly.
    You’re no more a person, you’re a wreak.
    Quit that shit right now! And I mean it.

    Love yourself
    Good luck 🍀

  3. Just shared this in a comment on a post here last week, but about 2 1/2 years ago I was in a very emotionally abusive engagement that became physically abusive at the end and I abruptly and immediately left when she clocked me in the mouth as hard as she could and never looked back.

    The biggest thing for me was not realizing how *bad* it truly was until I had left. Especially now being in a really healthy relationship now and hashing through it a lot in therapy in the past I’m like “holy shit”.

    Whenever she would go on an emotional tirade three things would usually happen:

    1. I’d just assume it was the ups and downs of the relationship and knew she was “passionate” and her way of venting frustration as at first she’d cool down pretty quick

    2. She would gaslight me or manipulate me into actually believing something was my fault or that I wasn’t good enough and it turned me into a pretty Type A and assertive person into a pretty subservient person where I was constantly trying to please her or earn her approval.

    3. Towards the end, I just learned to essentially go into autopilot and she could be on a tangent and screaming at me, throwing shit, and I’d just be there…but I wasn’t *there*.

    On the last point, a lot of my friends or people I’ve been open with about that relationship asked about the whole Depp V. Heard trial. One of the biggest things that stood out to me was hearing the audio tapes of her yelling and screaming and him just being there and not even engaging and just “out” of it brought be back to a place I was once. Barring him likely being under the influence drugs and alcohol, unlike myself, that’s *exactly*how it was and there were many parallels to my relationship in that.

    Only difference is she didn’t poop on my bed. To my knowledge. BUT…my dog did once and I blamed him but now I’m wondering haha.

  4. Anything and everything you do is wrong i was expected to read her mind and do what she wants and if she tells me what she’s thinking it doesn’t count because she had to tell me.

    it’s became a constant let me watch what i say because it will cause an argument.

    I cut off a lot of people because she didn’t like them when they didn’t do anything wrong towards me.

    She wanted to break up with me because i took my pregnant friend to her doctors appointment because no one was available.

    Being with her took me to the darkest pit of my mental health.

    Constantly i would think about ending the relationship.

    What pushed me over the edge was when i found out she was just talking shit to her friends about me and it went full circle and this girl who i didn’t know messaged me telling “i just wanted to let you know your girlfriend has said this about you and she mentioned X Y Z”
    X Y Z being things iv only shared with her.

    To confirm that i made the right decision when dumping her i felt happy and a sense of relief for the first time in a really long time.

  5. She was physically abusive, hitting me and biting me through the skin, fucked up shit…she had been abused….but she was the first person I was really involved with, we had a connection…

    Honestly what got me to leave was the way she treated my friends…I wouldn’t do it for myself, but I did it when she picked on someone truly weaker…man I was a dumb teenager.

  6. It was wild when I look back. Arguments are one thing and perfectly fine but when every single argument is being turned into your fault somehow for such a long amount of time you will start genuinely believing that you are the problem. That isn’t the case.

    When I look back now. I was the only one attempting to hold the failing relationship together and I regret it so much. After finally leaving and being able to focus on myself I’ve accomplished an incomparable amount as to what I would’ve locked inside of that relationship.

    You are a human. You might make mistakes sometimes but relationships go two ways.

  7. I got a different perspective for you. I was in an abusive relationship but I didn’t leave. I forced them to get therapy. I gave her an ultimatum and said you need to go to therapy to talk about your anxiety and depression and you projecting on to me or I’m done. And she did.

    She got a lot better. The projection stopped. The mistreatment stopped. The issues that I had were gone. Unfortunately the damage was done and I just didn’t realize it. I had already fallen away. We broke up years later.

  8. Worst decision of my life. Towards the end of our relationship she told me that she’d met me only two days after getting out of a psychiatric hospital. Things started to make a lot of sense after that.

    I was too committed to her at the cost of my own health. I was determined to make Us work. Eventually, her mental health issues took over (depression, BPD, eating disorders). I, admittedly, devolved into an Emotional Support Boyfriend. I could never have a bad day, because she was *always* having a bad day. I constantly had to say the most impossibly perfect things to boost her mood. If I missed the mark by a few words, she would look at me with disgust.

    I was extremely attracted to her, and constantly made that fact obvious, though we rarely had sex. She was too self conscious of being seen naked, so I stopped initiating altogether because it just hurt too damn much. That sort of thing really breaks a person down over time. When she asked me why we never made love anymore, I honestly and gently explained to her why, to which she interpreted as me being a massive asshole and cried for about 2 days straight.

    I dumped her randomly while we were at my place one Saturday night. No argument or immediate prompt. It’s just in that one moment, after three whole years of single sided bullshit, I knew I was in for a lifetime of misery staying with her. Very unceremonious, but I knew if I didn’t get out soon my her personal issues would rot me from the inside out, just as they were doing to her.

  9. Chest pain. Once I felt it I realised it’s better for my son to have divorced parents and sane father than who knows what.

  10. *”what was it like and what made you leave?”*

    Emotionally abusive.

    You answered your own question OP.

  12. I was married, yet never felt more alone. She didn’t give one single shit about anything I said or did or wanted out of life, as long as it was beneficial to her and made more money for her to spend. Everything was my fault, and she never lifted a finger to help with anything around our place or in general. The tipping point for me, which pushed me in the direction of wanting out, was one day I had a very big load of groceries to bring into our apartment, and she was at home, so I called ahead and asked if she could just simply prop the doors open so I didn’t have to fumble with my keys. Got home a few minutes later to both doors locked, and her sitting on the couch on her phone not even acknowledging I was there, until I got in and put the groceries down, to which she came in just to grab a snack out of the bags and then walked away while I put it all away myself. The final straw was when she asked for an open marriage and made me feel like shit when I said I didn’t want that. I told her to do what she wanted because she would be single soon, had the divorce papers filled out a week later.

  13. Everything is your fault. Your perspective doesn’t matter, your feelings don’t matter, and if you try to assert them, then **you** are the abuser. The conclusion of every disagreement is that you’re the asshole and you need to do better. The last straw was when she coerced me into opening our relationship to polyamory, threatening to leave and file for full custody of my daughter if I didn’t agree. Then she immediately broke all of the rules she insisted we would need. By that point I had documented so much of that abusive behavior that I’d have had a very strong position in court. I offered her a straight 50-50 split and got the f*** out. I talked to a lawyer about trying to get full custody of my kid, but the consensus was that it would never fly. I hate that she’s in that environment half the time, but as soon as she’s old enough that a judge will listen to her, we’ll try again if she wants. For now, I figure she’s better off with one healthy, happy parent than with a dead dad and a narcissist mom.

  14. Freeing.

    My ex would constantly ask me about random women I knew, most I’ve known years before meeting her. She’d stalk their social medias and would even friend some of them. I’d later get texts from these women asking me about her and saying she gave off very stalker/psycho girlfriend vibes.

    I also couldn’t use certain words when talking to her as they didn’t “feel right.” Even a simple “sure” instead of “Ok” or “yes” was a problem with her. I also wasn’t allowed to say no to her or else I wasn’t “taking care of her needs”. Like wanting to just be by myself and do what I want instead of spend the weekend together.

    When it came to sex, I had to initiate every single time. She had a high libido, never wore underwear even when we were out and about, and was always presenting herself, but would never make the first move and would wait for me to give directions. I didn’t mind that she was always ready and willing, but not having the same effort given to me wasn’t great. And whenever I didn’t do anything, she would get mad at me and play the whole “you think I’m ugly/don’t love me” emotional manipulation bullshit.

    Point being, I couldn’t have female friends, couldn’t freely talk, always had to be wanting sex and make the first move but couldn’t have her treat me otherwise I was the asshole, and was under a constant microscope for the smallest thing she could use in an argument.

  15. I was in a toxic relationship as my first relationship. I was the toxic ex.

    Wouldn’t leave her alone, was at rock bottom and made her my anchor, she fell out of love, and I couldn’t stay friends and couldn’t let her go. I threw a one man pity party and it made her so miserable she blocked me on everything, rightfully so.

    The best thing you can do is remove them from your life. I wasn’t emotionally mature enough or strong enough to leave.

  18. It was freedom n happiness at first I get away from it.Then it hit you….what the hell just happend?You snap out from “her reality” into the real word.

    She did not know but I’ve been beaten by my parents a lot and so see them fighting as kid.
    She was hitting my head whit fists from the back….that was the point I snapped.

  19. It was awful. My ex was shouting at me for no reason or no decent one. I simply left, I’m too old to be shouted at.
    I tried at first to help her, as it seemed to me, that the whole situation was a result of some trauma on the past, but she refused to go on a therapy, claiming that she did not want to control her aggression.
    I felt pity, as I did not see myself as a victim, I could not help either…

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