Hello everyone, I’m 34 years old (male) and happily married to my wonderful wife who’s 27. We’ve been together for 6 years as a couple and have been married for 3 years. About 9 months ago, a tragic car accident took the lives of my older sister (aged 40) and my brother-in-law (aged 42), leaving their 3 beautiful children my 2 nephews and niece without parents. Upon reviewing my sister and brother-in-law’s will, my wife and I were named as the legal guardians in the event that anything should happen to them. Without hesitation, we took on the responsibility and brought all 3 kids into our home immediately. Everything has been going well, with my wife showing exceptional motherly skills and a deep love and affection for the children. They also have a strong bond with their aunt. I’m now in the roles of a husband and fatherly dad-uncle, while my nephews are 8 and 9 years old, and my youngest my niece is 4.
Believe me when I say that I love them more than life and I would do anything for these children and am fully dedicated to them. I consider them my own kids, but I am facing an issue in my relationship with my wife. We haven’t been intimate for several months, and it’s causing me significant distress. Our focus is primarily on parenting, given the circumstances, and unfortunately, it’s affecting our sexual intimacy. We are consistently tired at night, particularly my wife, and in the morning, we’re busy caring for the kids, which is also her first responsibility. There are times when the kids have nightmares or fall sick during the night, causing them to sleep in our bed and cuddle with my wife. I’m running out of ideas to address this situation. Every time I attempt to discuss our sex life with my wife, something always comes up, and I’m finding it difficult to cope with this situation.
5 comments
Call in the cavalry – grandparents, perhaps – to house and babysit, and book a weekend getaway for the two of you at a hotel. They get time with the grandkids, and you two get laid.
I’m minding my kids dog while my ex and the kids are on holiday.
My GF was over and we started kissing on the couch and the dog jumped up and started trying to get between us, it was kinda funny at first. So we went upstairs and left the dog downstairs with treats.
The dog started howling, like crying for attention. I did what I could and kept lazer focused on keeping my woman happy. The longer we went on the more the dog howled and the more I was worried about the neighbours knocking, so I got up, went down and put the dog outside with more treats, water, some toys, and went back again.
Every time I got close the dog started howling and I just couldn’t keep my head focused.
Well my GF had a great night, got all the attention, came multiple times and I just eventually gave up. I haven’t had to worry about kids in a while but that goddam dog was more of a mood killer than any kid.
You said there are times when they have nightmares or stomach bugs. OK. But that’s not every time. And there’s something else. When this happens, you can be comforting, but you need to bring them back to their beds.
The bigger issue is the exhaustion. It’s been nine months, and youv’e got to find a more sustainable routine. When is their bedtime? It may not be early enough.
My heart is just shattered reading this 😭😭😭 I’m so sorry about your loss and you are doing such an amazing job caring for your niece and nephews. I can’t even imagine being thrown into parenting in this way. Truly, you’re doing beautifully. And you will figure this out. It’s still so new and it takes all parents time to find their rhythms and establish healthy boundaries.
I can understand setting rules and boundaries must be so difficult with what these children have been through. But all healthy households need them, and it’s probably time to start establishing some rules. One thing I highly recommend is early bedtime. We’ve done this with our kids from the get go. 7:30 is time to get ready for bed, in bed by 8. This gives my husband and I time in the evenings for ourselves.
Next, I would start gradually phasing out of the children cuddling in bed with you guys. Again, it’s so understandable, but this is just a total intimacy killer. If it were me, I would do a tiered reduction. Explain to the children that you want to be a comfort to them while they’re scared, but your bed is really just for the 2 of you. They can knock and come in if they’re scared, and you’ll escort them back to their beds and stay with them for a minute vs them being in your room. Install nightlights or whatever other comfort objects are needed. Also highly recommend not having screen time for at least an hour before bed (this always seems to activate worse dreams for my kids).
Also, definitely need to discuss this with your wife. She likely feels so gutted for them that she’s hesitant to not be there for them in any capacity she can be. Which again, totally understandable. But you two would greatly benefit from some family therapy. This is huge shift with such loss and grief attached. Finding healthy ways to nurture your relationship while also parenting these precious babies in the best way possible is going to be so good for all of you. You may be able to find a therapist that zoom calls to help fit it into your schedule.
Lastly, do not hesitate to ask for help! Friends, family, even hiring a babysitter- do it. My oldest is 10 and I really wish we made our marriage more of a priority in the young years. We’ve finally gotten back to a really good place, but we should have been better about getting time to ourselves. I truly feel the best thing we can do for our kids is model healthy relationships and show them it’s ok to put our spouses first! A happy, fulfilled marriage is hugely beneficial to kids. I am rooting for you guys!
Every summer, put the boys in a 2 week sleep away camp. Have a relative take the 4 year old, and spend a week at a Couples Resort in Jamaica