Do you overcome resentment?

I’m sorry this is long and also a throwaway account.

I feel so conflicted. I (42f) have been with my husband (43m) for 17 years, 10 married. I would say between the ages of 25 and 36, we had a good relationship full of fun, traveling, love, etc. After our 3rd child I had PPD after him (birth was also traumatic). After that point, things seemed to change a lot in our relationship. He works for a small company that he felt obligated to go into (family), while I was able to go to college and eventually receive my masters. I’ve grown a lot in the past 10 years, as a mother and a professional, and he’s more or less stayed the same. His political point-of-view has changed (we were both liberal when we got together, he’s since become very conservative), and this has come to blows with our morals and beliefs conflicting (usually around social issues). I work within a low socioeconomic community helping kids and families, and I have a lot of passion in my career, and I think this has sparked some jealousy, and then resentment towards me (he’s told me I’m not good at my job before, won’t ask me about it or my day because he doesn’t want to hear about it, etc.). He can be very condescending and try to guilt trip me about things, when I feel like I’m always trying to be supportive of him and his goals and dreams. This past year thought things really fell apart when I went away on my first ever work trip. I realized upon returning he didn’t once text me to check in on me, ask me how it was, etc. I would call several times during the day to talk to our kids and he would simply turn the phone on and set it up so I could talk to them. I love to talk and listen to other people, and good conversation fills my bucket. He will rarely text me about his plans, what he’s doing, where he’s going, etc. and it’s been something we’ve talked about for 17 years and I’ve expressed I’ve needed. I’ve told him multiple times in the past year I want him to just tell me he loves me and kiss me goodbye in the morning or goodnight at night in front of our kids, and he’ll continually just tell them good night and walk out of the room/leave the house without even acknowledging me. The intimacy is really lacking (not just sexual, but overall intimacy), and a few weeks ago I expressed that I just wanted to feel loved and wanted by him, and then I’d feel more like being sexual (he expressed frustration that he feels like we don’t have much sex anymore). He said he couldn’t just wake up and love life because he doesn’t like his job; I said I’m not asking him to leap out of bed happily every day, but just tell me he loves me when he leaves, kiss me, and communicate with me out of respect as his wife and mother of his kids. He now 1/3 of the time will say bye or I love you, but will most of the time still just leave.

Which brings me to the other night: I had gone out with friends, and when I got home I assumed he was sleeping. I took my makeup off and laid down in bed, and he got up, came over to my side of the bed and just took my shorts off and grabbed my head and pushed it towards his penis (wasn’t hard) and wanted me to give him oral. I did, and then we eventually had sex, but it was just me on my stomach on the end of the bed. I feel like the lack of any emotional connection at any other point in our lives has really lead me to resentment in this area. I’m scared to bring it up to him because I feel like he’s going to blame it on me, but I honestly feel so disconnected lately. I just keep replaying it in my mind; I’ve never felt like this during any sexual experience, ever. I feel sad, I feel unloved, I feel used.

I see a therapist bi-weekly and we’ve talked about how there seem to be narcissistic tendencies from him in other instances, and depression. I’ve asked him to go to the doctor and to talk to someone, and he says he doesn’t need to/it’s not going to help. I asked about couples therapy, he said no.

I feel like I’m one foot out the door at this point, but with young kids, it’s so hard (and I’m a people pleaser, I don’t want to hurt him). Part of it is thatI know I want a bigger, louder love. I just don’t know if I need to look at this from another perspective. I know I need to communicate my concerns with him, and it’s something I’m working on. How do you reconnect in your marriage when resentment is starting to creep in? Do I need to change my expectations of what marriage is 10 years in? Is it possible to get intimacy back?