update: I spoke with her, she told me she felt sorry the way she handled it, and said she was too “inquisitive” and that she didnt mean to be intrusive in my things, then I explained that I thought me telling her I went when talking about my day was acceptable and nice, since we are together.
So anyway, crisis adverted, and relationship conserved with good outcome
I 30m go to therapy, my gf 30f knows, we been together for 7 months, but I dont tell her when I go, or dont tell her I’ve been if she asks what I have done that day, not bc I dont trust her but bc it’s not something I want to discuss, and it’s something private for me.
Today I told her that I spoke wuth my therapist about going to the gym even if I feel a bit low (I have some pains and stuff), and my gf said “oh I didnt know you went to therapy, why didnt you tell me you went” “I wont judge or anything but it feels like you dont trust me if you hide things from me”
Idk but it just hit weird, and felt bad having to justify myself for not telling her.
And all that while speaking on the phone, and I had to leave the conversation not finished bc she was meeting a friend.
Am I wrong for not telling her the days I go? Or what?
I dont have a lot of experience with a formal relationship, and the previous one was pretty toxic bc I didnt know how to set boundries, so I’m lost here.
Sorry about spelling errors, I’m not english
13 comments
I wouldn’t say you’re wrong for wanting to keep your stuff private, but I understand where she may be coming from. You guys are in an intimate relationship, not some distant acquaintances. Vulnerability is kind of expected, and you’re hiding that vulnerability from her, bro. So she feels like you’re hiding something from her (which you technically are).
Plus, she already knows you’re in therapy. Telling what day you go isn’t that bad.
You don’t have to tell her what you talk about in therapy.
But I don’t really understand why saying you went and like the time you go is a big deal I guess.
Like I don’t think if you said “went to work, grabbed a burrito, went to therapy, came home” is that big of an issue to me at least
Personally I’d say it’s nothing to do with not trusting her, it’s just something that you don’t want to or feel the need to talk about. You want to keep therapy as something separate from your life in its own bubble. This is important for your comfort and enjoyment of life and you’d prefer that she doesn’t use at its base, emotional blackmail, to guilt you into something that is harmful to what you’re trying to achieve.
Maybe there is a less blunt way to put it, but ultimately whilst you’re in a relationship, this is still something you have a right to privacy over.
Think about it like this; why does she need to know your trauma and past experiences in intimate detail, and why does she need to know where you are all the time? Would it not be an intrusion if you demanded she share trauma that she’s working through and information she doesn’t yet want to discuss with you or anyone else outside of her therapy, or you accused her of not trusting you, because she didn’t keep you updated on all of her private appointments?
I understand this because it can be very frustrating when you tell someone you went to therapy session and they ask “what did you all talk about?”. Or when I willingly share something my Therapist said, “what did you say back to that?” Idk why those questions are so annoying to me but they are. Therapy is a safe haven for me and I want to keep it as my own.
Although, if you all are in an intimate relationship, I believe she should be able to know WHEN you are going. I think you should just vocalize a boundary of wanting to keep the conversation within the session private.
Tell her only when you feel comfortable to. You are still working out your issues with your counselor.
Knowing that someone had a therapy session is helpful in intimate relationships because she can dial down/work on behaviors that may trigger you while you’re fresh out of the session. You’re more likely to be triggered after rehashing traumas. Even if you never tell her what was discussed (which is perfectly okay to set as a boundary you don’t need to give any details on the session if you don’t want to). It sounds more like she wants to be a support for you. Take it slow, take it easy. Remember to breathe. She clearly cares about you. Have you talked about this with your therapist? If not I’d say bring up next session.
Conserving some privacy in a relationship is not wrong. Setting boundaries is healthy for the relationship.
I hope you’re not feeling guilty. You better make it gently clear for your gf that since this matter won’t affect your relation with her there’s no need to tell about every detail. Only if you feel confortable to talk just do it.
If it comes up again, I would simply say. “I told you when I felt comfortable sharing it and now it is becoming uncomfortable “
Ofc you don’t have to tell her what you talk about. But the way your going about it sounds a bit unnecessary and “suspicious”. Sure you don’t have to tell her when you go but I’m not sure why you can’t just tell her when you do. You guys are in an a intimate relationship it’s normal to know what the other is up to and keep each other in the loop
I think it’s reasonable for your partner to be aware that you seek professional help via therapy. It’s your right to keep what’s discussed private (or share, if you, and partner, are comfortable discussing). As others have said, just stating you’re off to an appointment is somewhat standard in an intimate relationship; nice to know what the other is up to/has going on in their life.
Something I learned in my Women and Genders class is the different ways women and men bond and strengthen their relationships with others- women find talking to their friends/partners and explaining every single little detail in their life and what they did that day deepens their connection to one another, *even* if what they did is extremely insignificant. Men tend to bond and strengthen their relationships to others by doing activities together. My point is, she might think that talking about what you did in your day is a way to bond, thus your reluctantance to share with her is perceived as turning down an opportunity to strengthen your relationship with her. You not wanting to share what you talked about in therapy is TOTALLY okay and is your right!!! But just to answer *why* she may find that not sharing you went to therapy could trigger her own insecurities of misturst. There is no right or wrong way to bond with one another but just maybe some input on what I have learned. I do think its a good idea to let her know that you went though as another commenter said so she can be aware that you might be feeling a little more emotional than usual and thus act more supportively. I do want to reiterate though, you dont need to share what you and your therapist talked about… just that maybe you saw your therapist that day. Good luck!!
i assume you had to ask her out
Okay so she needs to destigmatize therapy for herself. And you have to do so as well, a bit. It sounds like you are or have before internalized a sense of insecurity about going to therapy, and it sounds like her idea of it is not helping that.
Listen, therapy is a confidential (meaning a secret) medical space. And to me it’s a red flag, or at least a gray flag, if someone criticizes (is judgey about) my therapy. Still, you could have a boundary as other have commented.
Yes communicate more openly with your partner. And your partner could be clearer about her feelings as an “I’ve been feeling unsure. I struggle to understand therapy, and I’d feel more sure if you could communicate more openly with me about your feelings.” instead of a “this thing you do is weird and I don’t trust you.”
Look trust and communication are both important in a relationship. It’s not gonna work if it’s not feeling that way on either party.