Me 20F and my Boyfriend 21M are having a long term relationship and everything is working amazing. We love each other.
But I don’t want to type a whole story paragraph, and just want to write down my question for the male audience (I guess?)
It has happened for the second time in our year long relationship, that my boyfriend finished really quick. Like one-minute-in quick. Like I said, this happened only for the second time in YEARS. And I really don’t make a big deal out of it.
Both times it happened, we haven’t had sex in some days, just because of life and how it happens sometimes. We usually have sex like 3 – 5 times a week. So not having sex for a week straight is unusual for us.
I think there could be people out there that upsets the fact that he finished this fast, but for me (maybe because it basically never happens) it’s like a little proud moment. Because he obviously missed this feeling, and we just turn each other on like that. It’s okay, and for me, really not a big deal.
And I show him that! I did not become angry, upset, or blamed him for it. I told him that that’s okay, kissed him, and we did the “usual” aftercare for each other.
But he seems so absolutely devastated and upset with himself. Today, he even needed some extra alone time.
What can I do to make him feel at least a little less down after this? I want him to know that this can happen, and he’s not worth less because of it. I love him to death, and always will.
Edit: Thank you all for your suggestions!
First: We are using condoms as protection since I’m not taking birth control.
And I did, in fact, tell him that I took it as a compliment that he had to nut fast. Which he understood, but I think he was still disappointed with himself.
I was not in the mood for the massage he offered me instead. Not because I don’t like it. Just because I felt good to go. I just didn’t need it.
He promised to „make up for it“, which I did not feel like that’s necessary. Because basically nothing bad happened. But he did make me forget what happened yesterday 🙂
24 comments
This happens and your approach is great! Next time why not tell him, “ready for round 2” and start doing the things that excite him to “engage” again. Talk to him and let him know its an opportunity to get it out of his system and go again! Stay positive and I’m sure you can both have a lot of fun on round 2!
Anytime there is a break in regular 6 activity it’s going to happen lol it’s all natural every guy on the planet goes through it. Next time if it goes for a little while have him pregame and you won’t have that issue LOL
We read on here all day long that there is an orgasm gap. As a man I am accutly aware of this. And read about it all the time. You feel like you are letting your partner down.
I would let/encourage him to help you finish another way. With toys, hands or mouth whatever you/him are comfortable with.
When I cum quick and my partner won’t let me help them finish it compounds the issue. I know the advice on here is pretty common that sex doesn’t end when he cums. From my experience women stop the sex when he cums as much or more then when a man does.
I know sex isn’t supposed to be transactional but you are both supposed to be happy in the end.
It sounds like you’re approaching this in a great, loving, understanding manner, so cheers for that. It might be as simple as asking him why he feels this way? There doesn’t seem to be a rational or reasonable explanation for his reaction, and sometimes a simple challenge to a negative feeling is enough to deflate it. There’s reason for him to have finished quickly…you guys hadn’t boned in a minute. You’re not upset by it, so he has no reason to fear your reaction. So *why* does he feel like this?
Did you tell him it was a proud moment for you? Or rather, maybe you could say something like “it actually turns me on knowing you couldn’t control yourself with me.” Personally, that’s how I feel if a guy finishes fast. There’s really no other way to look at it in my opinion….
If he’s going to beat himself up, then there isn’t a whole lot you can do to stop him. Other than maybe saying something like “it’s not about what happens, but how we handle what happens.”
Like what is his problem, *really*? Is he embarrassed? Why? Does he feel inadequate? Why? Does he feel like he let you down? Why?
As partners, it would be ideal for you both to talk about these things together, but only if and when he’s comfortable. You can’t get through to someone if they’re not open to listening and communicating.
Emily Nagoski (author of Come As You Are) talks about looking at how we feel with non-judgment. So, instead of trying to make him feel something different, instead you can validate his feelings and then explore them with curiosity and non-judgment.
That’s where the “why” questions come in. Once you answer “why” a bunch of times, you often get down to the *real* problem and then at that point, you can begin to address it (misunderstandings, unrealistic expectations, societal judgments that you don’t really agree with, etc).
Problem solving would look something like this: if he felt he let you down, then he can pleasure you in other ways like another commenter said.
If he felt inadequate, then what would make him feel adequate? Pleasuring you? Ok, well he can do that in other ways.
Does he feel less of a man? Why? What defines a man, and who made the definition? Does he care what *you* think defines a man? If so, does that include holding out longer than a couple minutes to cum? If not, then maybe there’s no problem after all.
I could keep going if you want, but guessing you get the picture.
Also – I think the average time for a man to ejaculate during sex is not that long. Need to fact check this. Can post with an update.
EDIT: I’ve found that the average time a man lasts during PIV is 5.5 minutes. Also found this article, which says 3-7 minutes (which is basically the same thing):
https://ro.co/health-guide/how-long-should-sex-last/
Just be kind, give him attention and affection and tell him it was a proud moment for you.
FWIW I think you’re already doing great.
It happens. To men and women both. We are human, not machines. But finishing fast isnt a crime, hell thats what quickies are for and they are amazing!
No, he shouldn’t feel ashamed.
Also, you hadn’t done anything in days before hand, OF COURSE it happened. Build-ups are real and again, nothing to be upset about. Thats society ‘norms’ trying to brainwash us that man need to last a long time very time and always be rock hard and flawless. Nope. We are human.
Did he put focusing attention on you climaxing after he finished early?
I would not give two hoots, if my partner climax as long as afterwards, he put even extra time and attention on my pleasure.
And as several other people have mentioned it just gets more time for round two if your main focus is on PVI
You’ve gotta flip the script… Tell him you *want* him to finish fast. Literally, make the sex about *him* sometimes.
Sexual liberation has had somewhat of a negative effect on men. Women openly discuss their orgasms and squirting and everything else. That openness becomes the measuring stick against which men judge our own sexual value. Do we have boyfriend dick or vacation dick? Do we make you cum? Do we make you squirt? Men tend to see these as very clear black/white questions, even though we’re constantly reminded of the emotional aspect of sex in these sorts of conversations.
So imagine carrying this expectation of yourself, and then boom, done in 37 seconds. It can be devastating.
But something I heard a long time ago stands out in my memory. Some women, sometimes, enjoy that their man finishes fast, even when the woman doesn’t reach orgasm. Why? It’s a testament to how good she feels to him.
So, in terms of flipping the paradigm, you have two choices (you should use both):
– center *his* pleasure sometimes, and be clear that’s what you’re doing. This would be a clear declaration that your one and only motive of his orgasm. Quickie on his way out the door, oral while he’s just chilling, watching TV.
– prioritize YOUR need for feeling how good you make him feel. It’s almost a difference without a distinction, but different in the your pleasure is more of a priority than the option above, with the exception that your pleasure in this case is psychological and comes from knowing what effect you can have on him
These two options are ways, and should be truthful ways, to actually promote him finishing quickly. And once he believes you in these efforts, the next time it happens, you can both find ways to be excited about it.
My partner had 4 months away from me. When we saw each other for the first time, I dressed up with sexy underwear. We were kissing and getting hot and heavy, and he took off my dress and spunked down his leg. I didn’t even know as he carried on making sure I had fun, and he managed to get it up again after a while. When I found out I just accepted it, after 4 months apart, it was to be expected, and I occasionally tease him about it and claim I am a complete sex goddess for making him do that. 🤣
Listen up, 33M here. This is perfectly normal! Ask any guy!! When your backed up especially, it’s so easy to be caught off guard. Also, if your doing something which is particularly nice for him, possibly something you don’t normally do, this can also cause an explosion. Tell your guy from me, Olly, this is so normal and just get out your head man. Relax and enjoy your sex life. Much love x
Give him a BJ and tell him you love when he cums.
You can’t make anybody feel anything. He’s caught up in some unhealthy messages about what it means to be a man. For a lot of guys, there is a lot of pressure to perform sexually and he probably feels like he let you down and feels like less of a man (however untrue that might be).
>this happened only for the second time in YEARS
As a guy that’s been there, his lack of perspective is still pretty shocking, tho. Most dudes cum too fast from time to time, but you are what you repeatedly do. Shit happens. But you guys are so young. It takes time to learn this stuff. It’s part of maturing.
But you’re doing the right things. There’s nothing you can do to make it stick…lead a horse to water and all that. Maybe show him the comments in this post from other guys for perspective.
Young kid that will learn self control over time. Very common at a young age.
Round 2!
Seriously, why stop? Why even say “It’s OK” as if it’s something bad? Just stay in it and give him time to work through his refractory period.
If a woman has multiple orgasms, it’s a gift. If a man has ONE, it’s considered OVER. We can and do have more.
Change your outlook and enjoy more!
To me, it sounds like you’re doing everything correctly; there really isn’t much more that can be asked of you!!!
Not only do you understand and sympathize, you verbalize and provide support. To men, our being able to control our bodies and show our passion are extremely important… so I completely understand his frustration… and so do you.
The rest comes from your heart and your intuition. Don’t fret and be solid about it! Your confidence will be shared and infect him with your strength. 🙂
Just an idea. . .next time, when he pops his cookies too early, maybe scold him and say “You naughty little boy”! Then turn him over and spank him really hard with your largest hair brush, and then give him a hard pegging (if that’s something you’re both into) make him say “sorry mistress” while you reach around and fish hook him. Maybe buy him a chastity cage, and he has to spend 3 days wearing it as punishment while you tease him and talk dirty, watch porn while you sort yourself out. Slap him really hard if he complains
Silver linings n all.
When it happens just immediately remark, “oh wow, I am a goddes, I made you cum so fast, you must have really been into what I was doing!” Then kiss him hard. Show him you getting off on getting him off fast. Flex that dirty talk.
Start getting him ready for round 2. Tell him something like, “I’m not done with you yet”, then start giving him a handjob or blowjob to get him excited again. Alternatively, make out, make him go down on you, shove your boobs in his face, whatever you both like. Round 2 almost always lasts way longer.
Contrary to popular belief, sex doesn’t HAVE to be over when the man cums. This is especially true if he came a little quick (completely normal from time to time).
When it’s been a week since you’ve gone at it like that again, don’t set up for a full sex session. Instead, don’t even get undressed. Pull aside whatever you need to and have him enter you standing up braced against the wall or a counter or something. When he finishes quick, you tell him how much you needed that and then there are some things you can do to make it sexy as or before you head off to clean up too that might lead to round 2. That’s not necessary though. What you’ve done is changed the game. You’re not having sex along with all the build up that goes with it and etc. You just had a hot quickie, and he can think of it like that and not feel an ounce of regret at cumming fast.
It is not your job to make him feel better! You seem totally fine, cool, and mature about it—so basically you are already doing your part perfectly. It can happen sometimes. No big deal. It’s only a problem if it’s all the time and/or his partner (you) is upset by it. It’s on him. Although you’re both very young, you are adults, old enough to be in an intimate relationship that you characterize as a good one. given that he is upset by it, he needs to expose himself to readily available information on the subject. Honestly, if I were you I’d just show him this post. Best to you both.
Show me a 21 yo male that hasn’t cum in several days that won’t almost instantly upon having sex again and I’ll show you a *liar*
This is just how men work, when you’re young and pent up you go for round two and then some!
He has *nothing* to be worried about. His body is working as intended.
For the people recommending just amping up for round 2- many guys just can’t do it. They’re not lacking the will or desire but physically it’s difficult or impossible. I have had long term partners who have finished as fast as “one pump”. As a woman who only really reacts to PIV stimulation, you can imagine the frustration. This said, I would, a million times over, simply enjoy the act of intimacy with my partner and go “un satisfied “ rather than hurt, shame or in any other way make him feel embarrassed.
The problem is, in my experience, these guys are their own worst critics! As OP stated, her bf needed some time to himself after these incidence. There is so much pressure on men to jackhammer a woman into oblivion, to have massively large members, to fu€k for hours on end and to deliver a mind blowing orgasm to both parties, and should they not perform on any of these levels- they may consider themselves less of a Man. This is all garbage!
So, knowing your partner is already crucifying himself, you HAVE to turn it into a positive thing. As others have mentioned- if possible, make it a prequel to round 2 ( maybe discuss with him ahead of time if he thinks he might be up to that so he doesn’t feel like he’s further letting you down in the moment), tell him sometimes you’d love a ton of foreplay- you can touch each other, mutual masturbation, oral… maybe you can be fulfilled first so when the act finally comes it’s no big deal and you can rejoice in how turned on he was. If both of you are comfortable with it ( it can be a turn in for some- straight weird for others) , maybe he could verbalize the progress of his arousal for you- “ you are turning me in so much”, “ what you’re doing to me is driving me crazy”, “I’m so close” etc (hopefully more creative but you get the gist! Lol.
Love him, don’t shame him, and you don’t need to call attention to the issue. Just handle it. He already feels bad enough!
His ego is dented – he’s doing that to himself and its normal
Media tells him he must last forever – she must cum first – etc etc
His masculinity is questioned in his own head and it’s annoying him.
Normalise your play – keep going with the aftercare.
He will be fine, you know this and so does he deep down. Just needs a couple of great fucks to get his mind over it.