I am M/20 and at the moment I have zero friends.
I finished school a year ago and the friends I had there were pretty toxic to me and just set a boundary by ending the friendship with them. “It is better to be alone, than to be in bad company.” There were other people I got along with but I wouldnt consider friends. I wasnt really a personality for a lot of my life. I was more like a witness. I rarely told people about my interests, dreams and tbh I didnt really have any. And I never really showed direct interest in other people by asking them questions (. I have a history of friendly relationships just going dark after a while.
In addition to that after a depressive phase and the breakup with my ex who I would consider the person who once knew me best and to this day is the person who knew the most of me. I was just me with her, we had a really intense bond as we basically shared one life. The depression ripped out that relation out of my life. I have analyzed this and come up with a concept to describe it. People bond via tentacles grown out their back and losing my ex was like my tentacles being brutally ripped out of my back and now theres just this numb feeling when I think about relationships. This makes me feel like being unable to bond with someone.
There is someone with whom I met up like once a week from August 2022 till April. (I started massive self-improvement and was just busy and he was busy as well, so we just went completely cold). We spend a fair amount of time together. We laughed a lot, we shared common believes and concepts about society. E.g. we both really like nature and think that a simple life in nature is a great way to live. Also, we were friends for some time when we were kids. One time he stayed over at my house and we did LSD together. So in theory I should be emotionaly connected to him. However I had ZERO issues with going cold and had ZERO emotional interest even in the slightest touch. I should add that he is severely depressed and on anti depressents. I easily get anxied of by deep holes (like gambling addicts, drug abusers) which wasnt nearly as present with him because he is fun to be around its more an unconscious vibe he gives of (lack of self worth, drive).
After April I spoke like 10-20 sentences a day with my mom – no my mom spoke like 10 – 20 sentences with me. (My mom is also going through a rough time so i am unable to identify with most of the things she says so there is no reason to carry on a conversation about what she talks about). My mom is an ANGEL. The most beautiful human being that I know and shes in the top 1% of people walking the earth deserving to be fulfilled and happy. I couldnt wish for someone else as my mom. Shes cool: I have no issues with talking with her about sex, drugs (like how today she told to dry weed in the microwave because its quicker) and whatever there is to talk about. STILL Im unable to get out of my shell and speak with her and Im unable to connect with her.
Another example of me just not bonding are my grandparents and my uncle. I spend a lot of time on their farm when i grew up. They, my uncle and farming were basically my whole life. Around the age of 10 however i grew more distant to that life (familiy issues) and when both my uncle and my grandma died when i was 16 there was so little bond left compared to what i experienced in my childhood. My uncle was a father figure and my grandma was a second mom for me but when they died it “just happened”
Besides my mom there is no one I talk to. I am just on my own.
In the last 4 months I pursued my goals and was working a 9-5 so therefore it was a stressful time. During that time I didnt feel lonely for a single second.
I felt lonely this Saturday evening but only because saturday evening is when others are outside socializing and I was vulnerable because I dont get shit done at the moment.
In rational thinking a friend who is engaged in self improvement would mean sharing more common interests. In the time between April and now I would say that I now have somewhat of a personality, since theres things i actively engage in. However thats mostly stuff you do alone. (reading, business, sport, meditating, going for walks, self-improvement). Money is also tight so i dont go to a gym and dont go out to a cafe. I know someone who is interested in that from my 9-5 and he said he is also quite alone. However the only thing I think about this that it would be rationally nice to have him as a friend. NO EMOTIONS. I feel more like wanting to want to spend time with him than actually wanting to spend time with him. Its very likely that if we became friends and would be working out together, reading together, going for walks together, talking about self improvement, holding each other accountable and just benefitting each other we’d be a great team.
All this is in extreme contrast with my personality, my values and my beliefs. In my heart sits helping people and I am able to have huge amounts of empathy for others. I really like listening and sinking my mind into what other people say
I hope to find people who can identify with my issues and/or are able to help!
I appreciate every commment.
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1 comment
Hi. You might’ve of heard this before. Therapy.
But specifically I’d recommend checking out your insurance’s portal.
But specifically I’d recommend speaking with a therapist with a similar communication style as you. Like for example, I sent an inquiry to whom’s now my current therapist, and is generally enthusiastic. My previous therapist prefered a more chill approach, which is fine for some, just personally I it became not my jam but I forced myself to stick with her as my therapist because she promised to do things a little differently, but it just wasn’t working. You can do therapy. Also you might just be autistic. I’d think most of the people who consult r/socialskills don’t know about autism.
r/actuallyautistic
And that’s can be challenge in talk therapy because even though I’m enthusiastic about the things or the whoms I love, talking can be exhausting to me.
But whatever. Just, friends can get tired from emotionally supporting someone, even or especally if they really care about them. Whereas a therapist has tools to deal with that that a friend is not.