I am a 40 year old woman who has not had sex or a relationship for over 10 years. The reasons for that are irrelevant, but it was a deliberate choice…until now. I met a guy I really like and he seems to think I’m pretty great. He has not put any pressure on me at all since we started talking. Tomorrow we are going to spend the day together entirely alone for the first time. Considering we both want it to happen, I’m very sure tomorrow will be the day. Birth control is not an issue as I lack the necessary organs for pregnancy. I’m not concerned about STI’s since he verified (with lab testing) that he is clean. My concern is really rather stupid. Has anything changed where sex is concerned in the last decade that I should know about? How can I help myself be a touch less anxious about this? Is there anything new I absolutely need to know about before taking this step? I have a genuine fear of embarrassment in the bedroom and I just kind of need some encouragement, I guess.

EDIT- You guys have been great. Most of you, anyway. Thank you. I’m going to go get myself ready to go, but I will update this post later tonight.

35 comments

  1. Sex is as old as humankind, it has not been revolutionized in the last decade. 🙂

    You’re going to be just fine. Take things at whatever pace you are comfortable with, communicate, and enjoy yourself and each other. Hopefully this will be the first of many encounters and you’ll have a chance to give each other plenty of pleasure.

  5. This girl doesn’t know about the three shells…

    Jk, you’re fine, go get that dick

  6. If you’re having sex with men your age it’s less likely to have stuff like choking and slapping (which seems to be popular with younger people). Just bring some enthusiasm and communication.

  8. The only change I’ve noticed is that things are less taboo these days but that has been steadily happening for the past 60 years.

    Have a glass of wine, be in the moment, and take your time.

  9. Enjoy the day and don’t think too much about sex. Let it happen and it will. The guy will be anxious as well. So be gentle to each other and take your time. Don’t eyeroll, frown, or give up if there is some fumbling.

  10. Just make sure you are ‘open for business’ down there….. you know, will something slide in without pain or drama?

    Good luck, enjoy and I’m terribly jealous of your man.

  11. Relax,have fun, it’s the same old humans having sex,just enjoy yourself and don’t overthink it

  15. Sounds like you haven’t anything to be worried about. Go and have your fun and enjoy yourself.

  16. Nothing has changed. Just follow each others lead.

    Get lost in the sensations tastes scents and devour each other.

    You’ll be fine!

  18. Both blunt and humorously, we still have sex with the same body parts as before, so everything you used to do should still work…

    Some people say that there is more of a shift towards oral in casual encounters, and some say that it’s more of a shift away from oral in casual encounters. In reality, I assume that it’s all local variations or not even that.

    Some guys are still selfish and some guys are still near-only givers. And the same is true for women.

    If you want a weekend’s worth of the in-and-out, say that. If you want a day with nothing but licking and sucking, suggest that instead.

    Instead of worrying sick about your perceived inexperience, own it. You have a guy there who’s interested in being with you (and frankly, interested in being IN you) and he is still going to be interested in being with you if you tell him that you need five-ten minutes to ease into things.

    I dunno. Maybe it’s been so long since you had someone in you that you want to make it a thing to actually CELEBRATE once it happens?

    Relax and close your eyes and truly *feel* it happen?

    Or…eh…just get it done?

    Is he aware of your pause? DO you want to make a big deal of this, or do you prefer to absolutely NOT make any deal of it?

  20. The sex toys have gotten better over the last 10 years and like somebody else said people are eating ass these days LOL otherwise sex is pretty much the same unless you’re into some kinky ass shit

  22. I’m 35 and went 8 years without having sex until about 3 months ago. I definitely noticed a change, but it was within myself and sex in my 30s is sooo much better than in my 20s. I don’t know if it’s because I went so many years without it or because the guy I’ve been having sex with is older than me (he’s 57) or we just have great sexual chemistry or a mixture of all 3 but it is hands down the best sex I’ve ever had in my life.

    As someone who was in the same boat, I can tell you that talking openly about what both of y’all want and don’t want helps tremendously. Our first time was close to perfect because of how open we were with each other prior to meeting up. I wasn’t nearly as nervous as I would have been if we hadn’t talked about what we wanted and I was a lot more confident and comfortable with myself and surprisingly I wasn’t self conscious with being naked in front of him.

    Going along with your question there is one thing that, to me anyways, was something new. Our first time, he made me squirt. I had *no* idea what was going on when it happened but I liked it a lot. He’s gotten me to squirt every time since then and one of the past couple times, he got me to squirt and then we had sex after that in the spooning position and I had my first ever PIV orgasms. I attribute that to him getting my gspot stimulated and hitting it in just the right spot while having sex. It felt like an out of body experience. I was reading up on squirting one day (I like to read up on like everything haha) and saw that it’s a popular thing now. When I had sex 8 years prior, I hadn’t heard much about it.

    Have fun!

  23. Also 40 (twins!) Woman here. Recently divorced and when I got back out there the thing I noticed right away was the cultural shift in consent. Asking every step of the way, etc. There’s a lot more communication than I was used to..which isn’t bad…just that I had to be a lot more direct about what i was(n’t) okay with, rather than demurring or getting carried away with passion.
    Sorry, not sure that makes sense..just be able to talk things through (I’m rather shy) as you go…it’s a step in the right direction, at least.

  24. It’ll be just like riding a…bike. Might need to lube up some parts if she’s been sittin a while.

  25. I wish I could tell you nothing has changed, but that hasn’t been my experience. I’m 37 and I got back on the scene after a 5 year relationship earlier this year. I don’t know how to really explain how it’s felt other than like being a fish out of water. I even felt that way when I got back on the scene in 2017 after I had broken up with my previous boyfriend of like 6 years.

    I think a big thing though is how old is this guy? If he’s younger (and even if he isn’t), I’d say maybe (definitely) have a talk about kinks.

    There’s like an explosion happening right now of kinky sex being the “norm” and vanilla sex being “lame.” People are seriously choking their partners during sex without even asking first. I had one guy hit me in the face without asking. I was just like a deer caught in headlights
. like wtf just happened?

    None of this is to scare you, but I do think having a conversation about boundaries beforehand is more important now than ever. People think things are normal that other people are definitely not comfortable with, so unless it’s discussed first, someone might just think “well this is what you’re supposed to do during sex.” (it sounds dumb but it’s true)

    Hopefully he’s respectful and would never do something like choke or hit you without asking first. But, I’d still have the boundaries conversation first just to be on the safe side (literally).

    Otherwise
.. it’s just like getting back on a bike. You’ll be fine! Have tons of fun. I don’t have the necessary reproductive parts to house a fetus either, and I personally love it 🙌

  27. I mean sex is sex, and it will be in another 10 years. Go with what you 2 like and you’re golden

  28. As a man of a similar age I would suggest he’ll just be delighted that you’ve chosen to have sex with him! Just be yourself, have a laugh and
be in to it, you’ll have a wild old time!

  29. I was in a similar boat, but I was celibate for 20 years
.got too horny that toys didn’t do it anymore. At 42 got on online dating, and spent a couple years having some fun. A man in my bed right now, who arrived right on 24 hours ago, and we’ve had sex 4 times.
    It hasn’t changed since I was in my 20’s but I have much less hang ups about my body or their body. Have fun!!

  30. I had only been with my ex partner (for a very long time) until I met my SO. I was SO terrified I would do things wrong, I wasn’t even sure if I knew how to kiss properly. I travelled 5.5h to meet him the first time after talking 24/7 for 6 months, honestly my nerves were so bad I almost threw up. I wasn’t expecting to but my nerves just disappeared when I sat in his flat and within 20 minutes we were having sex, initiated by me. I’d say not to think too much about it. If this is a potentially serious relationship I very much doubt there will be any hardcore kinks and such thrown at you. There may be some awkwardness and giggles, but as long as nothing is forced (don’t feel like you have to “perform”) things will just happen naturally.

    Good luck!

  31. People tend to be more communicative now about sex. There is a lot more direct discussion around consent.
    This isn’t bad but it can def feel strange if you aren’t used to it.
    All that is to say if he does ask you if he can do xyz and that catches you off guard don’t read anything bad into it.

    I personally don’t like being asked at each step if the next move is ok and I don’t really enjoy check ins in the middle of sex when they happen too frequently. But I get that this is more the norm and when hooking up with someone for the first time I can see the benefit of it even for myself.

  33. I got together with my (now) wife, just over ten years ago. I’ve not had sex with anyone else since then, and don’t have plant to in the future.
    Back in my single days, I found each and every lover to be individual. If someone likes one thing, there’s someone out there who hates it. My very first lover loved me biting her nipples. I very quickly learned that that wasn’t everybody’s cup of tea. My wife can barely allow me to suck her nipples. Each to their own.

    My advice, talk to your guy BEFORE things get steamy. It’s easy to lose track in the heat of the moment. The first time will be an exploration of each others bodies. One great lesson that my first lover taught me was that we each know our own bodies well. You’ve had decades to figure out what is good for you. Your lover has zero experience with your body, just as you have zero experience with his.

    Take time, enjoy yourselves, laugh at the mistakes that will inevitably be made. Lovers that can laugh together tend to have a better connection leading to better sex.

    Have fun.

  34. I went from age 23 to 33 last fall without sex. Let me tell you it went just fine..and it’s still going

  35. I hope you have/had a great time. Like you I emerged from a long asexual period in my middle life. It has been sooo amazing being sexual again. I discovered I am a lesbian submissive after a period of wild exploration. I hope your journey is as fun and rewarding as mine has been.

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