hey, i just need more input on a situation that happened to me 2 weeks ago.
so i was on a work trip for 1 month and i was living with new people, all my colleagues. we all discovered and got to know each other during that trip as neither of us knew anyone.
as weeks passed i became really good friends with a guy. He became my confident, the person i would always laugh with, etc… a nice friendship. However towards the end of my stay, he started making jokes about us showering together or sleeping in the same bed. he was an attractive guy and sometimes i would be attracted by him.
Fast forward to my last night on the trip, we both were back from the club, he was drunk and high and i was just tipsy, and around 7 AM we went to my room and we had sex. The sex was more him using me as a sextoy but i didn’t mind on the spot. Then after he finished in my mouth, he said “well, that was your departure gift. That was good.”
Then he said he was still drunk, put back his clothes and dapped me. he said he couldn’t stay to sleep with me because he didn’t want the others to know (which i agree, we didn’t want our roommates to know), and then he left. on the spot that didn’t bother me, as i needed some time to processed that just fucked my best friend on the trip.
But now, i start to think it was kinda wrong to leave like this. i feel like in a moment like this, some aftercare can’t hurt me? especially bc i was more vulnerable because it was a friend. so there’s something to unpack lol. i wonder what he thinks of me. was it just something to empty out his balls, did he care about me but just didn’t wanna get caught? i have so many questions and i’m trynna clear my head.
34 comments
Have you asked him?
If you want some aftercare, you shouldn’t have sex with someone who is drunk and high.
Its hard to know what is appropriate or what you’re looking for in a situation like this. If you want this to be a one time thing then I would leave it be. If you’re interested in continuing a sexual relationship you should talk with him about that.
>…he was running and high…
And if he was being honest, rather impulsive in his decision making.
I think he’s done hit it and quit it. You may want to move on.
Can I simplify this for you?
If a man wants more than sex from you he’ll make that abundantly clear. This Isn’t that. You were just a booty call to pump and dump.
I’m not saying you’re not worth more than what happened but he doesn’t care girl. It was a mindless fling. Nothing more. Best to move on as soon as you can.
I guarantee he Isn’t having any problems in overthinking this cos he got what he wanted and dashed.
It was casual sex, this is just one of the random prize ball results unfortunately. I had a woman poor wine on my face completely randomly when I was sleeping 🥱. People are all different and have different ways of dealing with their kinks or crazy, best advice if you are a sensitive person do not engage in casual sex, or just speak about your expectations prior to.
Some people have different expectations for casual sex. You may have been friends but do not mistake this, it was casual nsa sex. Some don’t kiss, some hit and run, some don’t do oral, and some will fully embrace you make intense eye contact the entire time and provide aftercare where they hold and cuddle you all night long. It just depends on the person. But you would never know if you don’t speak up. You said in the moment you didn’t care but you have to tell your partner these things if you want them. If you need aftercare say so.
Honestly it’s done and past. I really feel there is no use dwelling on this. It’s not going to reverse time and make him cuddle you that night. Unless you plan on sleeping with him again in the future, just move on and forget about this. If you do plan on doing it again then next time tell him you need aftercare and would like for him to stay a bit after the deed is done.
This reads like you thought there would be more emotional attachment on his end because that’s what you felt and are now disappointed to realize he just wanted to have sex and nothing more.
I would go on a limb and venture the guy made friends with you just to have sex. When he got it, he left.
>The sex was more him using me as a sextoy but i didn’t mind on the spot
A sex toy doesn’t need aftercare.
Maybe you should go for the degrading acts once more trust is established, instead of expecting something after being fine being treated like it?
He’s a piece of shit lol there’s a way to have casual sex and not be a complete jerk about it. But I’d just leave the experience (and him) in the past.
Yeah. Aftercare comes with people who care at all and aren’t drunk and high.
He was just using you for sex, got what he wanted and moved on. The relationship has been changed the moment you guys had sex. He no longer is just trying to get the sex. He’s just a jerk and you need to put it behind you and moved on. Most guys aren’t trying to friend a girl just to have another friend. There’s motives. Being aware of that will have you stay out of these situations in the future. Most likely this friendship will be ghosted because he got what he wanted. It sucks when you find out that someone was just your friend to get in your pants, but it’s a very common thing. Like I said, he sucks.
Oof, I can see why you’d feel conflicted about this. So would I! I’m not sure if you’d want to talk to him about it or if you feel it’s worthwhile to do so. I’d feel vulnerable too if I’d been in that situation, though.
Wow kind of blown away by these answers that apparently “aftercare” is some separate extra you are not necessarily entitled to. What happened to old school thinking that guys who act like this are just jerks who don’t deserve attention? Especially the whole line about him not wanting anyone to know how he used you. What a jerk.
Best case scenario: you caught him while he was drunk, high and tired, and he took a quick selfish path, and wasn’t up to the challenge of satisfying you or holding you/making you feel loved. But he will later after you two get back together
Worst case scenario: he’s in reality a lousy partner and you’ll find out if you have sex again and he doesn’t improve/make it up to you. in which case, just bounce.
Sleeping with friends carries this risk, sorry.
Just talk to him. Tell him you don’t want anything more but just want his friendship. Don’t overthink it until you talk
If you want aftercare, don’t sling pussy and get a boyfriend.
I subscribed to r/sex because I wanted to learn and maybe help, the majority of my experience has been “wow these despicable selfish dogshit men (who are everything I’ve lived my life around trying not to be like) have more sex than I ever will.”
God I wish I could go back and do my life over. God I hate myself for the decades I wasted.
Isnt it sexual assault if the person is drunk and cant consent?
Top of his mind was not to get caught by the group.
Don’t over think it. Obviously you wanted some aftercare. Made you feel.bad
He sounds like a horrible person. That was your gift??? Who says that? Does he think he has some magic dick or something? You saying you didn’t even enjoy it because he mostly just used you as a sextoy so he definitely wasn’t a good lay. How are some people so confident? Lol
Move on from this. He’s not worth the friendship.
If he was even a friend to you at all this wouldn’t have happened. He used you to get his nut off and that’s it.
He used you as a cum dumpster.
I have had lot of friends with benefits but that doesn’t mean I would be into aftercare or cuddling. I have had friends I have fuck with once and continue being friends. Not liking cuddling doesn’t mean not liking you.
If you want to do something you have to say it out loud. It still doesn’t mean you will get it but at least other person then knows you would like to do that.
He was drunk and high, it was morning and either of you didn’t want to let others to know. He can be even more into cuddling than you. We can’t tell. Because that didn’t sound like good time for cuddling. Or he can be asshole who pretended to be your friend in order to get laid. Because many people speak like women would be some overly emotional creatures that can’t just have sex with strangers so you have to make them trust you first. Or he might like your company and fucking or at least more than company of other people in the trip. But the trip is over. And I personally would consider cum in my mouth great departure gift. Usually good byes are awkward and include lies about calling to each others even no one is going to do that.
My guess, he liked you/was attracted to you, but given you not being in the same town/house, he wasn’t going to try and date you, so he waited until the last night you would there to see if you’d have a little fun, which it sounds like you did. Has he reached out to you at all afterwards??
I will say, I would expect this type of behavior from a random hook up, but if he had become a good friend, it was kind of a jackass thing to do, especially with the comment after. I would have said, “thanks but I’d rather have an orgasm” .
I don’t think you should give much thought about it , in the heat of the moment you both had sex and unplanned sex always end in unexpected ways.
The sex was okay but you would have wanted aftercare but didn’t get it.
How would you feel now if you had gotten the aftercare, would you not want something more? perhaps, might even complicate it more. Many times we wish for things that might not be necessary (I’m not saying yours isn’t). So you both had the option of other people seeing you or he leaving when he did, I think the decision was okay.
He is a jerk . It’s not an ideal situation but it could be worse. I find it very difficult to climax when drunk or high , so take that as a compliment on your skills to satisfy him.
I don’t think his friendship was necessarily insincere. It was a short term thing due to the situation, both the friendship and the possibility of sex, and you both knew it. He may just regard women as both friend material and sex material. Time was running out, so he took his shot, and you were down.
Turns out, he is a selfish lover. Maybe if the roommate situation hadn’t been there, he would have been more considerate. But the reality is, he didn’t treat you as well as he should have. But that’s all I see going on here. It was casual sex at the end of a limited time together. It doesn’t mean he’s an asshole, and it doesn’t mean that your friendship experience with him was just him trying to get into your pants. Try to let the lack of aftercare part go, and just enjoy the memories of the good times you had together. And next time, if you want aftercare, ask for it!
move on he just wanted to fuck you
How were you more vulnerable? He was drunk and high.
This comment section is upsetting 🙁 I’m sorry that happened to you. He sounds like an inconsiderate person who didn’t deserve ur friendship.
I need aftercare even if it’s a stranger and a hookup it should be a regular thing. Especially if it felt like he used u as a sex toy it feels very dehumanizing if he just left after that kinda sex.
You wanted aftercare and thought there would be more affection with the sex you had. But the sex you had was quite literally a one-night stand / hookup. Usually the expectation for anything other than cumming is pretty slim. It would be up to you to speak up prior to the act to get the outcome you want. Im the type of person who after a hookup I’m out – like out out. Im ready to leave. I don’t want to cuddle, I don’t want to talk, I just want to go on my way. We got what we both wanted so done. And this is how I always view casual sex. But there are some ppl like you who equate sex in all forms to an expression of care, friendship, love or what have you and want more. If you’re like this its good you’re discovering this now so in the future if you have more hookups you can be upfront with your partner about your post-hookup expectations. As far as this incident. There is nothing to unpack. Its over. Take it as a self learning experience moving forward. You can still be friends if the circumstances warrant it. But he could have been angling to get in your pants the entire time so who is to say where the friendship is.
Predator, played the game, got what he wanted, now he’s fucked off. Sadly there are people like this.
Don’t sleep with people outside of a committed relationship.