My favorite sexual encounters are ones where someone essentially “used” me to get off, like fucking me, cumming, making no effort trying to make me cum, sex is over when they finish. Sex where it feels like their goal is to get off using me. Nothing lovey or romantic or equal give and take. I always hated when a partner would want to focus on me or try to get me off, it would turn me off so bad. If I’m gonna orgasm during sex, it’d be more of a byproduct of them getting off using me, preferably they don’t even know it happened.
I don’t know why I feel this way, and why I’m so severely turned off by non “selfish” sex? I think in some way it gives me this sense of control and power, while also feeling desirable and like I’m providing something. Sex where the person is trying to focus so much on me makes me feel gross and vulnerable.
Has anyone else felt this way? It’s making things really hard for me because it starts to become an issue when entering a more long-term or serious relationship, sex starts to make me feel vulnerable and uncomfortable instead of exciting and thrilling.
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Most posts I see are of women wanting to orgasm during sex, or wanting their partners to focus on their pleasure. I hate this, and always felt squicked out by the idea even as a young teen. I was always very interested in sex since I was young and by no means a prude, but I just never wanted to be pleasured. The excitement was the thought of someone using me to get themself off.
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It’s natural of course. Pretty much every single woman I’ve ever talked to enjoys being used sexually and selfishly, at least in fantasies.
Objectification is the root of arousal. Being desired is being used.
Of course fantasies are unrealistic though, and generally they want to be “selfishly used” in exactly the right way for them that also makes them orgasm.
Any actual dominant man knows the immense amount of effort that goes into pulling off that charade.
It seems you have taken this desire to it’s extreme, it’s logical conclusion, and forget your own pleasure.
But you wanting to be pleasured, cared for, loved, is also a natural desires. And your discomfort around it suggests an emotional reaction, it suggests some sort of trauma that has taught you this will hurt.
So, do you know what that trauma is?
1) it’s all good.
2) >I don’t know why I feel this way
There may be a reason. There may not be. It’s cool to try and figure it out, but don’t go nuts. You don’t need a reason to be into something. If someone likes being spanked, it could be because their parents spanked them. Or because their parents didn’t spank them. Or they like the pain. Or thry like the power exhange. Or they just think it’s hot.
3) I know people who feel this way. And I kinda know where you are coming from… I am typically a service top, I am dominant but I like to figure out what gets someone off and concentrate on that. Every so often I meet someone who doesn’t want that… Who wants what you want. And if I can get in that head space, it’s great. It’s like I can lose a few more of my inhibitions and concerns about what they are enjoying for thr moment and really get primal. It’s a good time.
4) if you’re into bdsm, you should be able to find a true dom, but go slow. There are inexperienced people who won’t just concentrate on themselves, but actively not care about your wellbeing. There’s a difference between using and actual abuse.
There’s nothing “wrong” about the way you feel, but have you given any thought to why someone caring about your pleasure or wanting to make you feel good gives you “the ick?”
Do you understand why other women want the thing that you hate?
Do you understand why your partners want to make their partner feel loved and cared for?
Your feelings are your own and having them isn’t a bad thing. But “wanting to feel used” during sex and hating the idea of a considerate lover is worth investigating.
In the interim, I suggest being upfront about this with your partner. Do you prefer this lack of care elsewhere in the relationship?Or only in the bedroom? What are your expectations? Do you need your partner to match this sexual preference exactly or 100% of the time? Is this a thing you can compromise on a little, or occasionally?
Ordinarily I would say that it’s just your preference and there’s nothing more to it…but this line gives me pause:
“When entering a serious relationship, sex starts to make me feel vulnerable and uncomfortable”
To me, this says that you may have a fear of intimacy that might need exploring. By definition, sex makes you vulnerable. Physically you get naked with someone and emotionally you open up to what have the potential to be quite overwhelming emotions. It’s why this whole concept of “being ready” to have sex is a thing. Might there be some truth to this? Does the idea of being seen completely openly, warts and all, including all of your flaws (no offense intended, we all have them after all) scare you? The fact you “never want to be pleasured” says to me that perhaps you see sex as something you do to the other person purely as a service and that might need exploring. Healthy sexuality involves giving AND taking. Many people enjoy both and if you have a hard and fast rule of you only giving and never taking you will be depriving them of the joy of giving pleasure to you.
Might there be some truth to that? Does the idea of intimacy scare you? If so, you might benefit from a few sessions with a therapist to discover why.
EDIT: just to be clear, the idea of wanting to be used is not all that uncommon nor unhealthy. The idea of “free use” is a thing for example. But usually the idea of being used is so enticing to people, and in this example, I’m talking about women since you are one, because being used also turns THEM on, it’s not just a way to avoid any direct attention on them, which is what it seems to be in your specific case, which is why I say I think there’s something to unnpack here.
As a man, I don’t think there is any bad. In fact, you will make a good wife! My wife is great at fucking my brain!
I am the same way! Way more likely to put out that night if I think you “expect it”… and I enjoy the game until then, but if I’m expected to get off I feel pressured and then it just seems like I must be not doing it well because it’s taking so long for them them cum. You must love urgent quickies too! Almost like getting off is just as much fun as me being worked up and having to wait/ intice for you (him) to want me again. Plus I have to take breaks if the actual sex part takes more than like 15 minutes. Which is definetly. NOT FUN for either party. Switching positions more than 3 times makes me feel like He’s just working his shift… NOT like he’s GOING to explode if he can’t have me. The problem is any guy who is worth (relationship) sleeping wants to perform for you as well and will have negative thoughts toward themselves if they don’t perceive themselves to be “knocking your socks off”
Edit:: as far as trauma… I blame the male species for never playing hard to get, therefore never giving me the opportunity to be the one who is dying to pounce, the few that I have met that want to be the ones who are pursued sexually, ah fun times. And guys just for reference… it could take DAYS even up to a WEEK after a session for me to feel like I’m going to rip your clothes off as soon as I see you again. Not saying I’m not up for it within hours, just that have to have you cliff.
First time I’ve seen this opinion, and I feel the same! I enjoy getting off, and know how to get myself off during PIV or masturbation, but those sexual encounters where the guy is fiddling away during extended foreplay and solely focused on making me finish… I just can’t. There was one exception, and it was simply from how he did it.
Luckily my husband seems to get it now, and we’ve worked out a way that seems to work for us both.
I’m the same, however I’m a gay man. For me, the other person is the ‘star of the show’ and I’m the guy doing what you describe above re: focusing on your pleasure rather than mine. I don’t care if I’m fully clothed at all times. I’m far more comfortable being the one in control. Control. It’s an important word here. Unlocks a lot of psychological mysteries. Or at least it did for me.
Hello there, I have a pretty similar situation. Idk why but it turns me off so hard when a man tried everything to get me off. I am way more into guys who are „egoistic“ in bed. But you know, I have some serious attachment issues and reading that it makes you feel vulnerable reminds me of me. Maybe you should look into that.
Alot of women have a fetish for CNC being used like this. Not to get super psychology about it but yeah it’s like you said. The power and how hot it makes me thinking my partner just couldn’t keep their hands off me and need to use me right now is a massive turn on.
It’s great.
That said, you really shouldn’t feel gross and vulnerable for intimacy. It’s okay if you don’t like it but I hope you can resolve those feelings. I like a healthy dose of both kinds of sex in my relationship cause they both meet different needs for me.
I’m just wondering how you get a controlling aspect from being used by other people? It seems to me that you have to *give up* control to be used by someone. That sounds like the definition of submission, unless I’m misunderstanding what we’re talking about here 🤔