I’m a 32 male. I’ve had sex with three women. One time I didn’t remember (too drunk), one time where the soldier didn’t rise up for the task (too drunk). And the rest was with my long term girlfriend (10 years).
We had a turbulent break up, which fucked me up pretty badly, and it gave me kinda anxiety of having sex with someone else.
It’s been only 1 week since I moved out, 2-3 months since the break up. I really feel like I’m missing her and all those things, but also I feel like I am slowly getting over her.
However. I went on a date today. It was the perfect first post-breakup date. We talked and had fun. It made me realize I can relax around girls and I didn’t think about my ex.
But I felt no attraction towards her. And it felt more like a friendship.
She contacted me later, asking if I was out drinking and if I wanted to meet (I wasn’t). Then she asked if I wanted to go swimming tomorrow morning. And she being so persistent is making me think she might want to go all the way soon.
And if that were the case, should I sleep with her? Even if I feel no attraction towards her? And still missing my ex. And the sex anxiety stuff.
It will be like the 2nd person I would have sex with. And I kinda just wanna get done with it to make my brain realize I am able to have sex with other people.
So, the billion dollar question is, will I leave her apartment feeling worse? Or will it help me move on and maybe make me realize that I didn’t need to have any sex anxiety?
I guess only I have the answer within, but I really have no clue. Just looking for anyone with any experience
I don’t want to have sex. While at the same time, I DO want to have sex (I’m a human). And I also don’t want to be afraid of sex and keep thinking of my ex.
23 comments
It will probably help but make sure she knows you are just interested in something casual in case she is interested in more.
I think you need to have attraction to the female both physically and mentally for the situation not to mess you up worse. Also you might consider just waiting a bit til you know her a little better. That way you will feel more comfortable and will be in a better mental space.
Taking from experience sleeping with others doesn’t make you get over your long term ex. It’s a pleasant distraction in the moment (if the sex is good) but the emotional wounds of separation need time to process.
I read somewhere it takes about half the time you were together to completely be over someone. For me I was with my ex for 8 years and I really got over her about 3.5-4 ish years after where I wasn’t thinking of her everyday. In those years I slept with a lot of women and while the experiences were generally good I was not ready to get attached again even if I didn’t realize it at the time.
I’d get on top of someone else
Yes, without question. Do it. More experience is good.
You’re feeling fucked-up about sex in general and not attracted to her in particular. I’m normally a “Yay sex woohoo sex!!!” kinda guy — see username — but this sounds like a bad idea. My bet is even if you can get it up — I’d expect my own boner to nope the fuck out under those conditions — the post-nut clarity is gonna SUCK.
The emotional intimacy you’re building is fucking RAD. Friendships are valuable. Nurture that shit. But be honest with her and yourself: you need some time to grieve and heal here.
You’ll be all right. It gets better. Be patient with yourself.
If you wait to be 100% over your ex before you get with another woman whether it be sex or a more platonic relationship let me know. I’ll buy stock in lubriderm.
You could always try being honest with her about your intentions…
But if you dont wanna do that, then I’d say you have a few options…
1. Have sex with her and hope it turns into something more. Just dont string her along just for sex.
2. Dont go hang out with her. Tell her you’re just not feeling it
3. Go hang out and just dont have sex. See if feelings develop between you. Then have sex when the time is right.
You haven’t considered this person’s feelings, at all. If she’s up for casual, sure. If not, you’re another douche with their own agenda. Do you want to be that guy?
Don’t force it if you’re not feeling it. That’s just a waste of everyone’s time, especially her’s if she is actually into you.
I would not have sex with her if you do not find her attractive. You will not perform your best. No one wins in this situation. It’s not just about you either. It’s unfair to her to think you like her when you don’t. Take this as a win. You were able to go out and date and win. Now get back out there and find someone who excites you physically and mentally. When that happens the sex is gonna be easy to initiate and amazing because you will really want it. Never settle. Good luck!!
If unattracted what’s the point in the effort? Time is the most valuable substance on earth and the waste of time is about the dumbest thing a person can do. Use your moments to achieve something of significance.
Wait until you feel a LOT of attraction, and it won’t be a week after leaving your decade-long-only-partner’s house, I suspect. The odds of you not having a good time (either not performing well, or being upset after) are high enough… a little waiting and better chemistry with the next lady will help reduce the odds of such issues.
32? For fuck sake yes. Get out there and lay pipe on this girl. She keeps asking you out. Get on this man.
If you decide to have sex with anyone don’t get drunk first.
You gotta stop putting the party on the pedestal buddy. Hit it if you don’t like it quit it. Hit the gym too it’ll help get over a lot
Some psychologist says, that u should get a break to “mourn” your relationship.
They say it should be around as much months as u had years together.
I don’t know if it’s true, but it happened to be correct in my case – I was dodging hook ups and dates for first 3 months and then it just started to work.
Maybe give it a try – u don’t need to move from one relationship to another within few months.
Give yourself some time to think past relationship up, to “forget” about your ex and use this time only for you (new hobbies, focus on job, learning something new etc).
I would wait for someone you’re at least attracted to or it will probably make you think about your ex more after you have sex
No don’t do that…it’s extremely disrespectful to this girl. You would be using her
No one wants to be fucked by someone who isn’t attracted to them and is just using them to get over someone else.
You are capable of having sex with someone else. Just wait until it feels right and feels genuine. Don’t force it. I’ve had male friends who were celibate a while after a breakup. It’s fine. It happens. It takes time to heal
If you fuck someone before ur fully over your ex. You may compare them to her and just feel like shit after. Take your time healing
In the meantime. Use ur hand
Maybe find someone your at least somewhat attracted to. Probably more fun.
I’ve had a very similar experience to you. Only real sexual partner was my long term (9yrs, married for 3) partner. She broke up with me so my self confidence wasn’t great.
About 3-4 months after breaking up I hooked up with an ex work colleague after being out for drinks in a group. My headspace at the time was similar to what you’re describing – slowly getting over my ex but still thinking about her regularly. She’d moved out of our place about a month prior.
The sex was a good experience (better than with my ex tbh) and did a lot for my self confidence, but when it was done and it was time to go to sleep, I couldn’t relax. I felt really uneasy without really knowing why. So much so that I got up, apologised, and left her place at 3am in a cab.
On reflection, I think the increase in self confidence the experience gave me made it an overall positive. That said didn’t stop me thinking about my ex so can’t say it helps on that front, that still took probably a solid 18 months. I think as long as, like others have said, you’re not misleading the other person then go for it.
youre not going to get over her by sitting there thinking about her BUT do focus on being better, not the same
Would you be ok with someone having sex with you who doesn’t find you attractive, is using you to get over his ex and increase his body count to help his mental state?
Even if the new girl is ok with casual sex, that doesn’t mean she’s ok with having sex with someone who doesn’t find her attractive. Come on, it’s super unfair.
Just wait until you find someone more compatible. You’ve only just moved out. Be fair to yourself AND other people. I would give it some time, let your mental state settle, then look for someone you’re attracted to. Set yourself up for success.