I apologize for the length in advance, I just felt all the details were necessary.
Me (22F) and my boyfriend (24M) have been together for 4 years. He’s my first ever serious relationship and we got together basically as soon as I was 18. He’s been my first everything (minus first kiss). When we first began dating, I actually thought I was asexual. But having never done anything like that before, and sensing he really wanted to, I decided that I shouldn’t knock something before I try it. So we started fooling around and I actually ended up realizing I wasn’t asexual. It was nice being with him though because he was one of those guys who “didn’t care about sex.” Like he wanted to have it but would also be cool doing something else. But still he was like any other guy in the sense that he’d want to fool around a lot, or when he’d drop me off at home he’d wanna make out in the car for like 20 minutes.
He also confessed near the beginning that he too thought he was asexual before he met me because he didn’t like having sex with his ex, but then he realized that he just wasn’t attracted to her because when he’s with me he doesn’t feel like that.
Now, years later, we have moved in together, and the intimacy has been down hill since then. There are periods where it will be a frequent occurrence for like 2-3 weeks, and then long droughts where I’m lucky to even get it once a month. He also has a no porn/masturbating rule because he claims “if I want to do it, just come see him and it’ll happen.” That has since then proven to be untrue, yet he refuses to rescind this rule.
The other day I asked him if he could only have one for the rest of his life, which would he choose: reading manga or having sex with me, to which he responded manga. When I said that kind of hurt my feelings (though trust me, I understand I was basically asking to be insulted by asking that), he said he feels lately that he’s borderline asexual. I explained to him that the definition of asexual is the lack of experiencing sexual attraction, so I asked him if he was sexually attracted to me. He said he is, but has no desire to actually have sex often, if at all, and that he feels like he could go the rest of his life never having it and feel happy.
I have a very high sex drive so this was upsetting news to hear, among other reasons. Because of the situation with his ex and her making him feel like he was asexual, it makes me wonder if he actually just isn’t attracted to me as well. He stayed with her even though he hated being in a relationship with her just because he was too scared to end it, and it makes me feel like that’s the case here.
On top of that, he still acts suggestive towards me. Most of the physical affection I receive from him is ass grabs/slaps, thigh grabs, staring at me naked, etc. If he compliments me it’s almost always something sexual or suggestive. All of this, yet no follow-up, and if I try he’ll deny in favor of video games or going on his phone.
The week I noticed he was slightly hard as we were getting in bed to go to sleep so I instigated and he reciprocated and I gave him oral. I wasn’t expecting to get anything in return in that moment, because he was already tired and I knew it would only make him more sleepy. He apologized after and said he’d repay me some other time, to which I said although I would like you to go down on me now, I wasn’t expecting it tonight. It’s been 2 weeks since then and he hasn’t responded or instigated any advances once, and has tried claiming that “I said I was okay with not getting my turn.” It’s probably been a month since I’ve gotten any action at all. It made me feel used, especially since I don’t feel like you yourself don’t need to be horny to pleasure your partner, but that’s just me.
Is there any hope for this? Polyamory is off the table, and honestly even if he lifted the masturbation rule I don’t think I’d be satisfied. When I imagine only having sex once a month for the rest of my life I get a pit in my stomach that make me want to cry, which I know sounds dramatic but intimacy means a lot to me. I would be happy with even just a once a week compromise, but then I would feel like I was forcing him, which just feels gross.
I really really don’t want to break up, I think if I told him that breaking up was on the table because of this he would scramble and do stuff he didn’t want to do just to keep me which makes me feel bad as well. I don’t know, has anyone ever found a solution/middle ground for this type of thing?
TL:DR: My boyfriend has come out as asexual after 4 years, is the relationship salvageable?
20 comments
Its not salvageable bc your needs wont be met. Im all for compromise but not sacrafice… I just believe that staying will cause more problems than its worth. Unless he lets you sleep with other people.
I’m 8 years into a 10 year long relationship after she told me she’s asexual. I’m thinking about calling it quits. Wish I would’ve done it earlier tbh, would’ve saved a bit more pain.
The no masturbation rule is remarkably controlling to begin with but at this point it’s cruel. When is the last time you had a serious conversation with him about all of this? Sometimes love is not enough to make things work in a partnership.
> to which he responded manga.
It’s over.
Does asexual equal “I’m not turned on by you anymore”?
I’ve read too many “partner is asexual” notes and I’m doubtful of every one.
On the other hand, his no masturbation rule makes me wonder if he finds all sex disgusting. If that’s the case, he needs years of therapy. (And if that happens, I wouldn’t wait around for the result.)
He can’t claim to be asexual but have a no porn or masterbation rule. I’m all for not having that in your relationship if that’s your choice because of reasons (porn addictions ect) but he’s literally not letting you have ANY of your sexual needs met and that is unfair and controlling.
You’re 22 and have your entire life in front of you. Of course this isn’t salvageable. Take a read through r/deadbedrooms to see where this is headed.
Life’s too short to waste it in a completely incompatible situation. Cut your losses and move on asap.
If you have a high sex drive and he doesn’t then that is always going to be a big problem for your relationship.
No masturbating and basically no sex but you have a high libido, and based on what I read, it sounds like physical touch/intimacy is your love language. You’re screwed except not in the way you want to be.
You should leave. You’re in for a LONG life of resentment and unfulfilled needs if you stick around. You’re young. You’ll find someone who is a better fit.
Does he watch hentai? Or read it perhaps?
Sounds like he has low testosterone, would he be willing to get his hormones checked? Worth trying to find a solution considering you haven’t left him yet lol
If you like sex, break up. You need someone you are sexually compatible with.
Dump the loser. He sounds like a miserable person. Everyday you stay with him you’re missing out on a better man. Run for the hills.
I think something has changed within the relationship for it to fizzle down. Id see if you can find that out. However I don’t know yall at all. I could be wrong and if you think I am ignore that portion.
if I can give my 2 cents. Some people are and some aren’t sexually compatible. Some people have certain kinks etc that need to be met too. I’d express that to him, let him know it is a big deal for you. My girlfriend and I talk about everything and it’s worked for us so far (5 years together) I have a dangerous kink in which I really love creampies. We actively find solutions for everything whether it’s birth control, positions etc.
If he can’t meet your needs, and y’all can’t find a compromise. I would recommend you all find people who do fit your personalities and sexual needs. If he’s not willing to compromise it’s bound to get controlling on more advanced subjects like kids and what not. My 2 cents you know your relationship better than I. Have a great one though I hope it works out.
The fact that there’s a masturbation rule in a sexless relationship is a major red flag. I can’t see how this relationship could possibly work at this point. It’s okay to just admit that you two are sexually incompatible and move on. Let him find someone that’s uninterested in sex as he is and you find someone that wants it as much as you- and you both live happily ever after instead of this unsatisfying relationship you’re both currently in.
Sexual incompatibility is a huge relationship-ruiner for a lot of people. It sucks, but the simple fact is it most often doesn’t work out if you have two people who need totally different things sexually. I mean, take a look at people’s relationship stories. You see thousands of people complaining about having a dead bedroom, relationships being soured due to having sex too often/not enough, people cheating because they aren’t satisfied sexually with their relationship.
> It made me feel used, especially since I don’t feel like you yourself don’t need to be horny to pleasure your partner, but that’s just me.
This is a very toxic view. Even aside from the asexuality thing, nobody should feel forced or pressured to do something they don’t wish to. And with the asexuality, it’s not that he just “isn’t horny.” He actively does not want to have sex. Depending on his level of repulsion to it, he may even be totally disgusted and uncomfortable by the idea.
To be honest, this whole relationship seems incompatible. Normally, I’d advise you to just sit and think about the future with him. If a relationship with no sex (or no sex nearly as often as you want it) is something you’d be fine with long-term. But based on everything you wrote here, you should probably just end it. It doesn’t sound good for anyone involved and it doesn’t seem to have a viable future.
I strongly suggest you end it sooner rather than later. Mismatched sex drives put an insane amount of stress on a relationship. Check out r/deadbedrooms or r/HLcommunity and you’ll see how well staying in those relationships is working out for people. These things get worse over time. If it’s this bad now, imagine years down the road. You deserve to have sex. You’re very young and being deprived of such an important aspect of life throughout your young adult life would be a tragic waste of potential.
On top of that, the no masturbation rule is absolutely insane. The only reason to discourage someone from masturbating is if it’s impacting your sex life, and he doesn’t even want to have sex with you. So what difference does it make? That’s weird and controlling and the combination of that and the lack of sex is arguably abusive. It’s like he wants you to be sexually frustrated.
To contrast this, I’m extremely sexual and my girlfriend is nearly asexual. She enjoys sex, but would rather be scrolling on her phone or watering plants or something. She still has sex with me typically at least once a week. She gives me oral in between. She makes sexy videos with me, gets really into them and encourages me to enjoy them as often as I want. Why would she do all that if she’s generally not very horny? Because she cares about me and my needs. And because she wants to be the focus of my sexuality. She loves knowing how obsessed I am with her. People want their partners to desire them over all others. And people with low sex drives can still have good sex lives with their partners.
It sounds like your boyfriend wants to be the focus of your sexuality, but doesn’t want to give you anything to work with. Thats just entitled possessiveness. You’re supposed to only desire him, but not enough for him to have to do anything about it? Monogamy is about give and take. You get someone to yourself because you’re fulfilling their needs. You don’t get to have someone to yourself and neglect their needs. People need an outlet for their sexual energy. It’s important to ask how much he really cares about you and your needs. Why would he tell you not to masturbate when he knows you’re sexually frustrated and you enjoying yourself wouldn’t cost him anything? For that matter, why isn’t he having sex with you? Does he actively dislike it, or would he just rather be playing video games? If it’s the latter, he should be doing it anyway because it matters to YOU. If it’s the former, then you were just fundamentally incompatible the whole time.
I would strongly recommend that you have a serious discussion about this and start planning an exit strategy if you don’t see some lasting change.
I sent you a resource to check out for how to alter the course of this conversation with him so he stops manipulating you.
No, get out of there now before you get even more miserable. If you have mismatched drives but he isn’t willing to work on it then it’ll just become a source of resentment. Trust me