So my husband had an ex for over 10 years who is extremely toxic.
today she sent me a bunch of their sex tapes. I clicked on before realising what it was and watched about a minute.
I told him we should call the police to which he is refusing. And just told me to block her and delete them which I did.
But now the images that I’ve seen of him fucking her in our bed are just stuck in my head and it has really left me shaken up.
I know I shouldn’t let it get to me because then she wins but also seeing your man fuck another woman is extremely hard. Please someone give me advice. Am I wrong to be shaken up?
Update: just answering some points a lot of you have raised:
1. Yes I was a virgin when I met my husband. In fact we actually had a lot of issues achieving PIV that it only happened a few days ago for the first time.
2. Can’t really go on a burning things spree, considering I’ve had to still delete every video she sent and while I was deleting basically seen her all over my house, in the kitchen, shower, living room…. She sent it all lol
3. I will absolutely not be making porn and sending it to her because then I don’t know what she’ll do with it or who she’ll send it to.
43 comments
I don’t know that I have any real advice, but wow, that is shitty. I think my question is, what is the outcome you want from involving the police? Has she actually broken a law? Has your husband ever formally asked her to delete all the videos of them? I’m not defending it, but seems like that needs to be the first step if he hasn’t already.
Publishing them on the internet is revenge porn, but I don’t think sending them to you would be.
A normal person would never do something like that 😑 she’s unhinged and wants you to be hurt! In time, learn to laugh it off. It’s hard right now, especially if this just happened..but she’s a joke. Laugh.
1. You’re 27. Have YOU had enjoyable sex with anyone other than your husband? If yes, then this isn’t any different.
2. He had a choice to be with her, alone, or with any of some billion other women on Earth. He CHOSE you. And he continues to choose you everyday, despite whatever is on those tapes.
3. I don’t fault you for being shook. It’s an emotional thing and we can’t help how we feel…especially initially. However we can control what we do. Be aware of your feelings and don’t let them control your actions…especially if it means you end up hurting your husband – who has done nothing wrong here.
I would create a fake social media account with a fake email and send them to her parents, her siblings, her friends, her boyfriend, her boss, f*ck it 🤷♀️ fight fire with fire.
Burn the bed
Anyway focus on building a bright future. Let that b**** go.
Distract yourself with revamping your bedroom. New sheets, paint the walls, move the bed to a different position, tell your husband what happened and get a restraining order, delete the files…
Gawd… i feel u. I cant imagine watching even a second of my wife fucking another guy.. oof it would seriously cause some issues for me. That and id end up getting into a fight with the guy for sending it to me lol. Id actually call it in to the cops probanly because that falls under revenge porn.
He should of called the police is he still into her because she still into him why elese would she send you that tape . Is there more going on between them than you know . She shouldn’t be this upset after 10 years..
The fact that your husband isn’t wanting to back you up and go to the police is alarming. I’d want my spouse to be on my side with this and not cut her slack. That’s also technically revenge porn and is illegal.
I am sorry this happened to you. You can take comfort in that he is your husband now and not hers.
Tell her that her tape made lots of things make sense. Thank her for sending something that showed such vulnerability. Give her the number of a sex therapist. Tell her you wish her good luck finding a good sex life.
Now you have a good excuse to get a new bed!
I read your other post from a few days ago. This is just the tip of the avalanche of red flags with this guy. Like sure, the ex is a problem, but your husband and marriage is the actual problem here.
Reply with: “Meh, I’ve seen better.”
She basically assaulted you. I’m really sorry this happened to you. People are really twisted. I think this is something to speak to a therapist about.
I was about to back you up and give you great advice on how to move past this, but this is not the issue. I think if you look inside you, you’ll see that this is what you’re hoping will be the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. Your long winded post about your marriage woes, assuming you are honest (no reason to assume otherwise), gives one the impression that this relationship was beyond doomed from the start.
You need to be honest with yourself, and with your partner, and make a very difficult decision.
Take this advice, and this advice only. Seek counsel beyond the internet. Explain all of this to a mental health professional who specializes in relationships. And then do what your heart and brain tells you.
Wrong!!! If you engage, she wins.
Toxic people do things like that in order to watch their prey in turmoil. If you confidently tell her she’s pathetic, do it by just silently shootng her a “I feel so sorry for your skank ass feeling so hurt you have to stoop to the gutter and become indistinguishable from the scum that lies therein” type of smile look next time you see her. Ignore it and post happy things about you and him on Facebook. Don’t even grace her with anything resembling a response. She will freaking boil. She will lose the sleep she was hoping you would lose over it! Haha. Try it out, I promise you will delight in the results.
It might help to get a new bed, or at least new bedding. When my wife left me, I knew I wanted to be with someone again, and I didn’t want any old memories haunting me. So I threw out all the old sheets and the bed cover and bought new ones that I liked. Honestly it did help a lot.
My ex visited me later (we remained cordial) and she saw the new bedding and remarked about it. I just smiled and said, “New loves, new sheets!” 🙂
You can’t unsee, nor shake that feeling. Now do something equally bonkers (realizing the human condition) and burn that bed in a ritual of sacrifice.
Order a new bed and be rid of the curse.
Give it 100% of your soul, and you will be free.
He belongs to you and you only now.
Make a new sex tape and send it to her!!! Something on the lines of “ re-released” “bigger & better”
Everyone has his/her past, had never been recorded/seen doesn’t mean it didnt happen. You are just one of billions average couples.
It’s going to be in your mind only as long as you decided to let go of it. Try going about your day and every time it pops up, make a memo of it on a piece of paper. Let yourself think or talk about it as long or short as you need to until the feelings are out of your system. It’s not just the images, but how you feel about them that is impacting you.
I’ll just settle this for everyone.
Record the nastiest filthiest sex and send it back.
A. This way you’re getting to her
B. You may have done things she’s only thought about with him.
C. It’ll piss her right off because you still have him and she doesn’t.
Just consider…
No matter what she did in those sex tapes, it wasn’t enough for YOUR man. He chose YOU. HE married YOU.
She can play them all day, every day but you play with the actual man all day, every day.
Same bed? Get a new bed. I can’t tell you how much this helps!
OP, I read your other posts and you deserve SO MUCH better. You are asking for 100% normal and completely reasonable things from your husband, things that you deserve to have, things that exist in a happy, stable relationship and he refuses to do them. This man is not good for you. You deserve someone who loves you for who you are, who wants to spend time with you and make a connection with you and your family. You are young, divorce him and move on with your life. It will only get worse.
Your husband is right. Her occupying your mind is what she wants, don’t give her the power.
Delete it, block her everywhere and move on. In a year you won’t even be thinking about it at all anymore.
You can call the police yourself, you don’t need your husband’s permission or help
File for a restraining order too
ETA : also go fuck your man every which way. reclaim him
Just reply with “I used to be worried that you were better in bed than me and that I couldn’t compare but now I see I was worried over nothing, thanks babe!”
I had a “similar” situation when my partner and I first started dating.
I was using their computer for school and deleted something on accident, so I had to go into their recycling bin. There was only like three files in there. The document I deleted, a video, and something else. Being a dumb young person, I opened the video. It started with my partner being in front of his laptop camera and his ex on the couch in the background. He back ups and goes to his ex; both were missing select items of clothing. I immediately turned it off as I realized what I was about to witness.
We were young, 24, and hadn’t even been dating a year at that point. I knew he didn’t like his ex as she cheated on him, but it still bothered me to the core. I was on the cusp of breaking up with him because I had some serious self esteem issues at that point in my life. Had to talk to a few close friends of mine to really get it off my chest. In the end, I talked myself off the edge, but it didn’t come without some issues.
As you said somewhere, it would just pop into my head and it would make me feel icky (if that makes sense).
It was also on the couch that we had at the time. I made him buy a new one, because it bothered me so much as that was a couch we used together.
You are not wrong to feel shaken up by this. It would hard for a lot of people to handle, but as time passes and it will hopefully fade. You’re partner should be a little more gentle with your emotions though.
That was almost 9 years ago now and we’re married for almost 4. I look back on it and laugh. It was just two young people having fun. And I won one of the best dudes I could ask for and she was dumb enough to lose him.
Edit: grammar and formatting
Police can’t do anything. She hasn’t broken any laws. Why the hell she’s doing this is beyond me but just ignore it.
Just to clarify– those tapes are dated from before the marriage? A lot of posts assuming that the tapes were from long ago, and were not recent.
My opinion: She wins if you dont do anything. Your husband should not have defended her or asked you to delete them. Make it clear to him how much this has affected you. Unsolicited images and videos ARE sexual assult, repeated incidences make it abuse. Dont let her do it again, blocking her means nothing these days as people can get new numbers, use email and social media messaging to do the same thing. Check your deleted folder to see if they are still there and contact the police. Do not let your husband tell you otherwise, his arguement is not taking your feelings to consideration seriously
Another opinion: send one back to her of you and your husband
My opinion: that would start war and wont stop her if she has more ammo.
End of the day this is YOUR CHOICE because this happened to YOU
Edited: spelling
reading this and your post history….. leave him please!! also it’s always sus to me when a man always ends up with women younger and younger. his next wife is gonna be 25 and then next will be 22 or some shit.
You’re not wrong for being shaken up about seeing the man you love fucking another woman.
You just need to realize that this happened before you were together and that he’s with you now and only you. Also, she just sent you the tapes to make you jealous (which worked). Once you accept that, she’s probably the more jealous one and that he’s yours now, you’ll get over this pretty quick.
I know this is going to think this is really not helpful but before you saw that video, you knew he fucked her before you saw them. You know how toxic he was and is to him. What is different now that you’ve actually seen evidence.
All I am trying to suggest is that as you say yourself, you simply can’t ‘unsee’ it, ever. Most of us before we eventually settle for a long term partner, are already second hand.
What is it about her that concerns you? That she is better-looking? That she is wilder at sex? If so, do these things concern your partner. Has he ever made an issue of it?
Your husband, right, your husband wants to suppress things for perfectly understandable reasons. He is concerned that if he escalates things then she will escalate things. It may be at some point she will escalate things anyway but maybe is too soon to consider preempting it?
One thing. If her purpose was to upset you, to rock your relationship, don’t let her win, for goodness sake. Dig deep into your emotional and psychological reserves, call on your husband to support you, in a constructive way, and obliterate her from your and his life.
Are you sure they aren’t current and she is trying to tell you your husband is cheating on you? Reading your last post he sounds like an extremely selfish man and I don’t doubt he would cheat.
Wait you guys just had sex recently for the first time and she happened to send those videos right after? Is he still in contact with her and telling her about your lives?
Own it
Email the ex and say “hey thanks for these. They were a real surprise. We watched them together and it was super hot. Would you like us to make one for you?”
Put the boot on the other foot!
I had a hard time reading this. For me sex is very emotional and this kindof thing would really disturb me and I would have a hard time coping. Something that might help is the fact that he did all that stuff with her and she still wasn’t worth his time or love. He still chose you, over and again, after having experienced that with her. He’s literally tried both and values you way more. Hopefully that can be of some consolation, she’s only sending those to you because she understands he loves you and not her so she’s trying to cause you to be insecure, when really she’s just providing evedince that even that wasn’t enough for him.