I hate myself deeply. I don’t know why, but I hate who I am. Being in my head is so annoying and I hate myself. I hate how lame and pathetic I am. I fucking hate myself. When I’m in a bad mood, I express my self hate and do things like delete my social media posts and change my profile picture to black, change my name to something else because I hate my profile. I hate who I try to be. I fucking hate all of it and want it gone. I want nothing to do with me anywhere.
I got called manipulative for doing this. When doing this, my goal IS NOT to fish for compliments or attention, it’s simply my way of getting the ick away of my self expression, and vocalizing how much I despite myself. Saying my self hate aloud gets my head to shut up. I don’t want to do this if it’s going to make me a manipulative person though. Am I manipulative?
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What if you had a private account, with no followers and did that there? Would that satisfy the itch? If not, then you’re doing it for the audience and it’s not necessary manipulative, but it’s a performative action, for others to witness. Something to do with how your self-hate needs to be acknowledged, in order to quiet down.
If you want to get to the source of it, dig in there. What patterns from your childhood make it so? Only you would know, but for example… say, would your parents/guardians/authority figures stop telling you you’re not a good person if you agreed with them (maybe non-verbally, but in body language) and showed remorse and self-hate?
I do this too. I think it can be misinterpreted as attention seeking or manipulative; for me I see it as desperation. I can’t do anything else, what else do I have near me that I can control and feel like I have influencd over my life?
I don’t know for you, but thinking about it, I guess I do it because I want to feel like I am in control. My mind is confusing and always attacking itself and scared of everyone around me, and so the things nearest me that I use so often in the day (social media) that also connects me to the world, is also the easiest thing to use to try feel im control of, I guess?
I uninstall my social media apps every so often because it becomes too much for me, I feel mean and fake, and have to take time to isolate myself to recoup. Maybe that could help you too? I don’t think it helps, without that coping mechanism I have simply gone back to doing the worse things to myself that I do, which I wouldn’t recommend.
I wouldn’t say you’re manipulative, maybe you’re like me.