I’m in the early stages of dating two men who I feel a strong sense of compatibility with. Interestingly, they have some key differences between them.
I really enjoy my dynamic with “C”. he is intelligent, intentional, communicative and ambitious. We have a very strong physical connection and emotional bond, and some major life goals aligned (such as living abroad). However we differ in our political views, and he likes a ‘cushier’ life in bustling metropolis cities, whereas I eventually want to leave my NYC corporate job for LCOL and nature. We are open to compromising on our timelines for this. We share similar emotional intensity, but not similar interests.
“A” is also intelligent, thoughtful, and ambitious. We share many similarities in upbringing, life philosophies and politics, and most of all, our conversations engage all of the interests that excite my brain and make my face light up. He is supportive of my hippie woo woo interests (ie reading tarot cards for friends as an introspection tool) which “C” is not open to. Something that really worries me, though, is that A doesn’t seem to be on the road to financial security. For contrast, I save and invest responsibly, and own a home.
For me, shared interests (or lack of them) are a nice but not need to have, and I’ve discovered that I have some openness towards dating someone who has different viewpoints if they are rational and are capable of critical thought. I like both men a lot for differing reasons, and they bring out different sides of me.. but I’m wondering.. when everything else is great, what’s more important for long term compatibility: shared values, or similar life plans?
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This sounds almost like a cliche.
Pessimist take:
“C” leads me to believe that if you settle on him, give it a year and you’ll be posting here about how he always clicks his tongue as a warning if you try to talk to him about your hobbies and you just don’t see a future with him because he has no desire to ever leave the city. You are now another cog in the wheel of his ambition.
“A” sounds all peaches and keen but finances are one of the biggest reasons for breakups. If it’s bad enough to worry about in about a year you’ll be asking for advice on what to do about your boyfriend that got ‘laid off’ 3 months ago and hasn’t looked for a job, just sits on the couch all day playing video games.
> what’s more important for long term compatibility
What’s most important is having both shared values AND similar life plans. Don’t sacrifice one for the other.
There’s a third option: enjoy your time with them while they’re around, and don’t choose one. Maybe neither of them is *”the one”*.
Keeping dating and seeing other people as well 🤷🏻♂️
As a woman in 2023 there is no way I would ever date someone with dissimilar political views.
The thing with people is we’re not numbers. You can’t do a calculation and get the same results every time. What you’re assuming here is that both people will stay exactly the same for the rest of your lives. People change. The question should be who fits in well with your current life and makes you feel supported. Make sure you’re aligned on a few BIG things like wanting kids or not, but everything else is a slow burn where you’ll learn more about how well you mesh as life continues to happen.
Honestly, it doesn’t like your values line up well with either guy.
You don’t mention how long you’ve been dating either of these men. If it’s only been like a month or two, and you’re already seeing the tip of the major incompatibility iceberg …..
Its important that your partner engages with you about your interests, even if they aren’t interested in exactly the same things. It’s important that you and your partner agree generally about where you want to settle. Big city vs suburbs vs rural. It’s important that you and partner can come to a shared understanding about finances. These are all things that can end a relationship.
These two men aren’t the only two men left on the planet. You don’t have to pick one.
for me it’s life plans because that’s how comparability is driven. If I want kids and she doesn’t, that’s it, we’re done. If I want a life where we have enough money to travel and they want to be a starving artist, that’s it, we’re done
albeit, values do matter a little bit, but I think you’ll never align 100% with the other person. I think the key is “can you tolerate the differing values” or not. Like, I’m not someone that would ever go to a political protest…even if a woman and I agree on an issue, if she’s not ok with me not going to a protest then we’re incompatible
ask I guess I’d ask if you feel like with C if you can tolerate the difference in values or not. And be honest. Like, if I was dating someone who used tarot cards to make major life decisions, idk if it would work out between us because I would tail against that
The more you have in common, the better. Idk what makes C even seem like an option reading this.
It’s a good question. And I’m sure what you have to say, along with the comments, will be thought provoking…
But for me, a similar life philosophy and closely shared personal morals are most important.
You can agree to disagree with someone after a fierce debate and tick different boxes come election time but constantly arguing, reluctantly compromising or backing down over money will definitely wear both of you down over time leading to bitterness and divorce. I would say financial compatibility is more important long term after all you’ll be “spending” your lives together…… I’ll see myself out 🙂
Values
i mean, why not both? philosophy and values are EXTREMELY important especially when you’re thinking long term, ESPECIALLY when you’re planning to have and raise children together. my boyfriend was vegan and i was not when we started dating, i decided to become vegan a few months later and i know that for him was a big tipping point between “someone fun to date” and “life partner”. some couples manage to make it work despite opposing political views, i personally could absolutely never but perhaps it’s because i’m outspoken and involved in left wing activism.
shared goals are also important though – if you want marriage, children, etc, you need to make sure that’s in their life plan too and that your timelines match up well enough. personally though i would never be with a man like “C” because i love woo woo stuff and i think people who immediately dismiss these interests are boring. like, if you like me, listen to me talk about the moon for 10 minutes! (btw guys go look at the moon tonight it’s a blue moon and a super moon!!)
“Open to compromise on timelines” for such a fundamental difference is a situation ripe for future conflict. Nail that down now, with intermediate milestones, so you can see if the intentions are real.
Because right now, you have nothing.
This is assuming rural living is an actual priority for you.
To be perfectly frank…neither one seems like a long term win…unless you are ok being primary income source.
I don’t see either one of these guys being it for you. If you had to choose between them right now, you’d be settling either way.
Keep your options open.
I think it’s time for some job interview questions.
Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Are you open to change that vision? Where do they see themselves in 5 years? Are they open to change that vision?
I don’t think everyone has to be on the exact same page, but going off course by 90-180 degrees is enough to rattle anyone and make themselves unhappy. Keep the course change to 0-60 and be able/willing to compromise.
Sounds like you’re ticking a bunch of boxes here. How does each one make you feel?
Values are not something that will change, so incompatibility can be a major issue. Furthermore, values will impact future decisions regarding projects. Whereas with the value compatible person, you only need to convince him to be financially more responsible (in many cases, just a habit change, not a deeply ingrained issue). Move slowly, and see how things go.
Both are lacking something FUNDAMENTAL to a successful long term relationship. Continue your search
Neither, continue casually dating people until you find someone where you don’t have to sacrifice such huge pieces of yourself (values, life goals, etc.)
Sacrifice comes in terms of what hobbies and interests you have and other minute things.
I’ve seen a few of these “which one is more important” posts.
Um. I know what I want. What I need. And I’m not skimping to make it work with a partial match.
I already did the settle thing and it DID NOT WORK.
Now I would rather just be single and keep looking for that right one.
OP how long have you dated them?
Does Guy A, have a career but not save? Or is in a career that doesn’t pay well?
A seems like a better match because of the values. How do you define financial security? It can be extremely tough depending on your city to buy a house on your own. And perhaps if there were student loans or grad school in the mix, maybe him not being a homeowner makes sense. Do his other behaviors suggest that if you two were to jointly form financial goals, he could share the load in achieving them?
Both. Absolutely both. I just went through a divorce because we had different beliefs and worldview.
You actually haven’t shared much by way of important compatibility things. Shared values are important, but not absolutely necessary (depends what they are). Shared interests are great, but not necessary.
If you look into research around the topic of successful couples, you’ll see that it has less to do with values and goals and more to do with ability and willingness to problem solve together and compromise. Having shared goals OBVIOUSLY makes this easier and is something I’d l look for — and some goals are non negotiable (like kids, etc).
Barring those non-negotiables and dealbreakers, the most important things in a successful and happy relationship seem to be how two people communicate with each other, how they receive and respond to communication, how they’re able to listen with curiosity, be flexible in their thinking and seek understanding of each other. All of this leads to an ability to compromise and find solutions to problems that others might fight over for years just because they’re not actually getting to the root of the situation.
C def will not work because they will not compromise A will work but you will have to compromise. Find a B maybe? In any relationship there will be compromise on both sides, just have to figure out where that line is for you personally and hope that you and your partner meet somewhere in the middle.
This chick who’s pushing 40, in her profile, she said “You want me alone, you better pay for the babysitter” and that she’s looking for someone to be a role model for her kids. It’s just weird she’s begging for a parental unit so quickly. Like shouldn’t that come later? I’m ok with kids. But I need to see if we get along. Just too much I feel. Though she seems nice in chats with her.
Lots of good advice in the comments.
Adding While it’s not a good idea to focus only on “potential” and trying to shape the person into who you want them to be, you should be able to envision yourself growing with them. And a lot of personal qualities or lack of matter: integrity empathy, etc.
You describe both as intelligent and ambitious but I’m not seeing “kind”, “loving”, “empathetic”, “family oriented”, etc. Which many people prioritize in a partner. It’s much easier to teach a grown man personal finance than kindness.
I may have interesting and stimulating conversations with many people, but I know that my partner and family might be one of the few who accept or support me unconditionally. And that’s more valuable to me than any amount of intelligence or career success.
Your dynamic with C is similar to my me with my wife. Before we met, I was looking at cheap land to buy where I could go off grid and just do my own thing. My wife hasn’t owned a car in ten years and her never wants to own one again. She likes walking to shops, taking the bus, etc. We differ in our spiritual beliefs, and we’ve had some pretty sharp conversations where I didn’t really hold back much on how and why I disagree. However, we have similar politics, views towards financial security, how we enjoy spending our free time, and we both love cats – we line up on stuff I consider very important. And she married me so I think it’s safe to assume she feels the same way.
I think when you’re single it’s very easy to imbue one’s self-identity with a lot of different aspects of one’s personality, but when you form a committed relationship (especially between two fully formed adults) you have to do a lot of introspection about what’s core to your *self* and what is just stuff you like to do/think about. For me, it turns out that buying land in Montana was not core to my self, and for my wife, marrying a Christian was not core to hers.
Sadly, it doesn’t matter.
2 things:
1. Humans are notorious for being bad at actually knowing what they want and need and often focus on things that don’t align with either.
2. Humans are notorious for adaptation so the best option ends up being the path they took (with or without intention) and vice versa as well, where the paths they choose can be objectively horrible for them but they decide they’re the best anyway.
This means that you’re looking at this completely wrong. Who you are today isn’t who you’ll be in 20 years. The “I want to live on a farm!” version today may be completely gone and so even if both these people stayed the same the supportive hippie woo woo individual who is lovely today may be toxic tomorrow.
The irony is that most people worry about mating with others but never actually connect with themselves first. Knowing who you are means specifically knowing you don’t know who you will be. 🤷
To me, the fact you’re weighing out pros and cons of either says a lot. But not about them. If you want to truly give yourself a chance at growing a vulnerable connection, you can’t be measuring people up. Give one person space in your life to grow, even if it’s just a couple dates over a few weeks.