So I basically have been criticized multiple times for mansplaining. However, after speaking with my friends about it it’s definitely not something exclusive to the way I speak to girls. It’s just the way I speak to everyone. So I don’t think it has anything to do with my attitude towards women. However, I really want to do something about it. I don’t want to shut down and not be myself but it just hurts because I’m now getting scared to speak out of fear of sounding condescending. I’m not really sure what to look out for or how to correct sounding condescending to others
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Two tricks I’ve learned:
1. Sometimes, the real problem that needs to be fixed is not the thing they are talking about. Sometimes it’s that they need to be validated, sometimes they need to feel important, and sometimes they need a solution. Even though it feels like death to have a perfectly good solution and **not** share it, I assure you, sometimes that **is** the best solution.
2. “How can i help with this?” Or “What do you need right now?” They’ll tell you what kind of solution they need, and then you can be a true hero lol.
Some details about your behavior might be helpful. What was the conversation(s) that lead to people saying you are mansplaining?
You haven’t understood what mansplaining is. It means you think you have to explain something to a woman because you just assume she doesn’t know anything about the topic (cause she’s a woman).
Before explaining something, ask yourself “Does this person likely already know this information–maybe more than I do?” and “What makes me qualified to speak on this topic? Is there a chance they are more qualified?”
If someone has firsthand experience and you do not, don’t explain the thing. If neither of you have firsthand experience, you can say “I’ve learned a bit about it by [reading, watching a video, talking to a friend], do you know much about it? If you’d like, I can share what I know”. This prioritizes making sure theyre even interested to hear what you have to say, and checking whether they already know.
Mansplaining often happens when guys assume women don’t know shit because theyre women. For example, a cis guy explaining to a cis woman how periods work is mansplaining. She doesn’t need that info and definitely knows more. Another case would be a guy who watched a DIY video once explaining to a woman who works construction how to build something. He assumes he is more qualified than her because he is the man.
Also, make sure to always have humility about your knowledge. We’ve got two ears and one mouth–listen twice as much as you speak. Respect the knowledge of other people. Be able to admit when you are wrong or need to fact check something. Get comfortable saying “I think/feel…” instead of stating opinions as fact
In the boat with you. For me, it comes from being fucking full of information, so I feel the need to expound or offer a little more about everything anyone says. For me it’s just sharing information about a topic of mutual interest, but a lot of folks do not like that (reasonably so…I GUESS).
So… I actually started listening to those “how to be an engaged listener” tips and YouTube’s and just did that stuff. It does take a some amount of mental effort at first, but it’s worth it.
Watch their eyes/body language and if they say something like “no no you just go ahead” then you might want to take breath. Tone is important too; less “well did you know” and more “oh hey did you hear”.
I think my issue is when my smart friend explains things to me it’s like he is assuming I’m dumb and don’t get it before even opening his mouth.
Like I’m a kindergartener. Maybe you explain things that they already know, along with the information they needed? My friend who is autistic does that, he explains every last detail and it can feel like he thinks Im dumb. But in reality if he doesn’t say it all it’s hard for him to know where he’s at fully
Yeah in many cases this is just a bullshit category when someone doesn’t like how you communicate for whatever reason when it has nothing to do with you being disrespectful to women or perpetuating disrespect to women whatsoever.
I get annoyed when anyone, man or woman, does this. Most of the time, my question can be answered with one word or just a few. First, don’t answer something that hasn’t been asked. You might think you know where the conversation is headed, but inadvertently end up steering it in the wrong direction. Second, Say a little at a time and wait for them to respond or ask for you to clarify. Last, you should always do a 50/50 conversation. If they’re being quiet, they might be low-energy and the talking is just taking away more energy. My writing teacher made the class do this exercise where we took some text and lined out all of the unnecessary details. We were left with few lines that held the basis of the context. Now my brain always wants to simplify writing and conversation. This helped me write scientific papers in grad school, and helped me be a better conversationalist. But once again, 50/50. You’ll get your chance to talk, but won’t seem like you’re just waiting for your turn to steamroll the conversation.
Find new people that aren’t professional victims.
They’re Mysandrists, drop them, contact HR, do whatever you need to get them to fuck off.