I’ll preface this by saying I’ve read about 20 books on social skills and spent thousands on courses and therapy and consider myself socially intelligent. My problem is that I’m often too observant, insecure and see the worst in people. I find myself getting frustrated with people and seeing power moves everywhere. I also lack the practical skills to deal with them adding to my frustration.
I’ll give an example. I was out drinking with my friends and someone came up and said “some people came up to me and said why do you hang out with sufficient_purpose and I said I like him” (indirectly framing me as a charity case). I recognise that he could be saying he liked me and it came out wrong. I said great but I couldn’t get it out of my head for the rest of my head thinking I overreacted by looking at my friends and back at him. It all depends on his motivation he could have been tired, drunk, wanting to be friendly, malicious, make conversation.
so question 1) How do I develop that feel for social interactions where I know intuitively when someone’s being malicious. and question 2) how do I respond in a way that maintains a win-win relationship while effectively dealing with the negative frame?
2 comments
>I’ll give an example. I was out drinking with my friends and someone came up and said “some people came up to me and said why do you hang out with sufficient_purpose and I said I like him” (indirectly framing me as a charity case). I recognise that he could be saying he liked me and it came out wrong. I said great but I couldn’t get it out of my head for the rest of my head thinking I overreacted by looking at my friends and back at him. It all depends on his motivation he could have been tired, drunk, wanting to be friendly, malicious, make conversation.
Go back and read your example, it’s not fully clear what you are saying here. Who was this person to you that butted in on your conversation? Did you know them? What does it mean to hang out with sufficient purpose? Is it not enough to just enjoy another person’s company and have a chat? What about that comment made you feel that you were a charity case, that your friend was hanging out with you out of pity? The stranger’s comment as it is written seems asinine for a stranger to say to another stranger, rude too. Also what about your reaction did you perceive as an overreaction?
Without knowing more about the example you gave, I can’t comment directly on your questions, but I can speak generally:
>1) How do I develop that feel for social interactions where I know intuitively when someone’s being malicious.
I’m not sure there is any other way than to just put yourself out there. I know that’s generally next to useless, cookie-cutter advice, but people generally mature through experience. It’s often why we encourage children to engage in sports. Not only is it a good healthy activity, but it teaches children to have a good relationship with success and failure (so long as the guidance from parents isn’t abusive.) In the same way it sounds like you need more experience with social interaction with strangers. This doesn’t have to be at a bar, but it can be any social environment you enjoy, i.e. church, community events, Friday night MTG, etc. If you are looking for examples on how to recognize people who are malicious, your “gut” feeling is something you should try to trust. You should at least be wary of people who give the “off” vibe. We are animals and have instincts we are not fully aware of. A good book on this topic is called, “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin De Becker. I highly recommend it.
>2) how do I respond in a way that maintains a win-win relationship while effectively dealing with the negative frame?
It can never be guaranteed that you will come out with a win-win situation. Unfortunately we cannot read people’s minds so how another person perceives us is out of our control. The best that can be done is to have a frank conversation and ask questions. You have to be willing to be a bit vulnerable with people if you want to get answers about what people think of you. A good friend should be willing to have even a difficult conversation with you if you feel you need to evaluate the friendship. If you ask a question in good faith their reaction should make it clear to you where you stand with them. If someone reacts with accusatory language; “How dare you suggest I would feel that way” I might be wary and I would have to consider whether I can actually trust this person. And I would follow-up with questions about why they were so offended by my well-meant questions. (perhaps they felt accused and are insecure themselves; we don’t know what is truly in someone’s heart unless they reveal it.)
This is only general advice from my own point of view and your mileage may vary. In truth, I am a stranger to you too, which means you should carefully consider whether what I say (or what anyone else says) applies to you or whether it is meaningful.
Edit: I’m goofy, your username name is sufficient_purpose, but my other questions still stand. Also you don’t owe anyone an explanation, “I like him.” Is as good a reason as any and good enough for a stranger.
>1) How do I develop
It’s called social *skills* for a reason. You get better at skills by practicing. Reading social skills improvement books is as useful at getting better at social skills as reading about guitars is at getting you better at playing guitar. It has its place, but you first need a skill foundation and it should be a supplement to practice practice practice.
>I’ll give an example. I was out drinking with my friends and someone came up and said “some people came up to me and said why do you hang out with sufficient_purpose and I said I like him” (indirectly framing me as a charity case). I recognise that he could be saying he liked me and it came out wrong. I said great but I couldn’t get it out of my head for the rest of my head thinking I overreacted by looking at my friends and back at him. It all depends on his motivation he could have been tired, drunk, wanting to be friendly, malicious, make conversation.
Much like the other poster, I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about here.