This is my first post, and this will likely be a long one, so I apologize in advance. Please bear with me.
My husband and I are both 33. Been together 7 years, married 5, with a 6 yo son.
Several years ago, around 2019/2020, I caught him having an emotional affair with one of his coworkers (he was laying in bed finishing some work, I saw a suspicious IM come through and it went from there) – for more background, this was also a couple months after he came home completely drunk at 3 am from a strip club when he was supposed at a happy hour for work. To which, the next morning I checked our bank app to assess the damage, and he had spent way more money than him and I had ever spent at a strip club together, so something just seemed off to me. Anyway, we worked through that and now here we are with the coworker.
He begged and pleaded that she didn’t matter to him and that he’d do whatever it took to gain my trust back. So, I told him he could let her know that their relationship has been inappropriate and disrespectful to me and that they needed to remain professional. I watched him send the IM to her and left it alone. Didn’t nag him about her, didn’t go through his things, didn’t track him, nothing – he was very convincing that he didn’t want to lose me, us, or the family, so I expressly stated my expectations and trusted him to handle the situation. I know, naive of me.
It’s now ~3 years later and things have been off. Every day he comes home from work and he’s just in a shit mood. He finds any and every reason to argue with me. I could go into detail, but honestly it wouldn’t matter – anything he’s said that I don’t do or don’t do enough of, I’ve tried my hardest to give him. But he would still find something to argue about or just be in a mood about.
So, I finally decide to go through his work phone. And I find that nothing has ever really stopped between him and the coworker.
He of course is begging an pleading, again. Says that it’s not an emotional affair bc there is no connection or bond, that he is only talking to her because I get hit on and get attention from men every time I go somewhere but he doesn’t get that and he wants attention too. Says that he doesn’t care about her, wouldn’t even be with her if I did leave him, that he can’t lose me, etc. He asks what he can do and I said he can call her, in front of me, and tell her all of those things himself. First, he asks if he can just text it, I said no, of course, so he writes them down and then proceeds to call her. When she answers, he reads through his notes like he’s reading from a script with a G to his head and hangs up as quick as he could. Based on those context clues, i told him it was clear to me that he’s still trying to protect something there and that I’m done. He freaks out and starts crying, says that he was just nervous.
Anyway. I guess my question, and the point of this post is, am I crazy?? Wouldn’t you agree it seems like he’s protecting whatever it is they have?? He says there’s no bond or connection, but I gave him the opportunity to prove that and he clearly can’t let it go. I just don’t believe him but he’s downplayed it so much that idk if I’m the one overreacting.
49 comments
You are not overreacting. There is very clearly something there with this coworker and it unfortunately probably goes beyond just messages. He lied about being at work when he was drinking at a strip club? I guarantee you he’s lied more than that and that there’s something physically happening. He has lied to your face for years about the relationship continuing. I know children make this situation trickier but it’s time for some drastic measures. There’s basically 2 options. He needs to choose to commit to his family by finding a new job away from this woman and get marriage counseling to try and fix things or maybe it’s time to admit that your marriage is coming to an end. It’s not fair to do this to you and keep lying to your face. Don’t put up with it.
Get an attorney, try to get any evidence off his phone of cheating, and start the proceedings, your marriage is over. Also, if you don’t have one, get a personal checking account and move half of your funds into that account, just in case he tries to cut you off as punishment or manipulation.
When people show you who they are, believe them. He’s not faithful. He’s not truthful. He’s extremely manipulative. I also guarantee, there’s almost zero chance that he hasn’t had a physical affair either.
He wants to have his cake and eat it too. You’ve put up with far more than most people have. Any affair, whether emotional or physical is a game breaker for most people. He’s been playing you for a fool pretty much the entire time, and he’s not likely to stop until you pull the plug on the relationship.
Also, if this is a co-worker he’s cheating with, don’t forget to report him to his companies HR. Many of them have company rules against dating co-workers, or moral turpitude clauses on workplace infidelity. It’s possible they could both get fired for this, and frankly, they deserve each other. Also, you could try to see if the the AP has a spouse or SO, and let them know about the affair as well. No reason why she should be able to get off scot-free here either.
“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”
He’s crying and begging cause he got caught. He’s not having an emotional affair because there is no connection or bond? So why is it so hard for him to let her go? Don’t let him do this to you a third time OP. Let him go.
Classic. It’s your fault that he’s behaving like an unmarried man. Classic diversion. You know he’s a liar. He’s been lying to you for years. You aren’t overreacting. I think you are letting him off really easy. He’s lied to your face for years and when caught he says it’s your fault. That’s abuse. Demand couples counseling if you’re staying because they won’t let him off this easy.
“He wouldn’t even be with her if I did leave him”
Horseshit. She’s the first person he’d go to, full of complaints about how awful you were to him all these years, I’m sure.
You’re not crazy or overreacting and this isn’t going to just go away. His excuse of you getting attention so he wants some too is one of the lamest excuses I think I’ve ever heard.
You could try marriage counseling but I don’t know how much good it would do.
You aren’t crazy, it just seems like you don’t want to pull your head out of the sand.
Fool you once shame on him, fool you twice, shame on you both. He is not fully invested or committed to you, which is made clear by the repeated behavior over that much time. You really should figure out an exit plan and put your time and effort into someone more worthwhile.
Does this coworker have a SO? If so message them and let them know to see what they have to say.
No you aren’t over reacting he’s been having an emotional affair for over 3 years. If it was me I would’ve kicked him out of the house. If it’s still happening after 3 years of being caught then it’s never gonna end with her. He’ll just find a different way to sneak around and talk to her.
RUN!!! Get yourself a really good divorce lawyer.
You’re NOT CRAZY, you are 100% right. Always trust your instincts.
Wishing you lots of luck out there! 🍀
If you really wanna stay together and work on it, get a postnup with an infidelity clause emotionally and physically, that gives you the right to receive the majority of assets. You can decide on the terms. If he breaks your heart again, at least let him pay for it.
He read it like a script because he knew he’d be calling her back to apologise and blame you for making him do it – which is exactly what he did three years ago too. Hubbys a traiterous rat. Throw the pathetic cry baby in the trash.
He has continued this affair and during this time the connection with her has gotten closer. There is only a slight chance that it is not physical.
He never changed his job nor contact with her. He probably just said he had to send the message because of you. He is just married because of the child. Blah, blah blah.
He has no respect for you or the marriage. If you stay he will continue and manipulate you. Why would he change since there is no consequences.
An emotional affair is an affair. The fact that he had no consequences simply taught him that he could continue along, probably being more shady.
Do you know for a fact that he didn’t have a physical affair? Most people reconciling suggest going no contact and that they must leave that job. They also suggest individual and marriage counseling to find out why the cheating partner felt ok cheating.
Regardless of how you choose to proceed, A good book for each of you to read/listen to is, Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. It discusses this exact issue. How work or social friends shift into an emotional affair and then a physical affair. It will help you (now or with a new partner) draw personal and relationship boundaries to protect yourself and the relationship.
You need to determine if you’re ok with your husband cheating on you and lying to your face every day for years. It’s disrespectful to you and your relationship.
One way to snap them out of this affair fog (look it up/limerence) is to file for divorce. You can cancel but he has to understand how bad this is and right now he obviously does not.
Is she married or in a relationship? Because I’d be letting her person know. Let her deal with her own blown up crap too.
The problem is that since he didn’t leave the job, contact with his AP continued, which generally leads to a renewal of the affair.
If you want to make a go of it, he will need to quit his job and find a new one. No contact is a non-negotiable.
Get the book *Not “Just Friends”* by Shirley Glass and read it with him. He needs to understand that his boundaries are terribly weak and that he needs to create and maintain better ones. That starts with absolutely no contact.
For more help, head to r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. That’s the sub for reconciliation advice. The two of you didn’t really reconcile the last time. It got swept under the rug.
He is def trying to protect what he has going on. The length of the affair makes me wonder if it did become physical? Did you read the messages between them to see if it did?
I would have been gone at the strip club. What is your hard stop? If you keep on giving him chances, he’ll keep on going further each time.
You can’t think he hasn’t cheated, can you? You have to decide if checking his phone for the duration of your marriage is how you want to live. How do you not already have the ick from someone who has emotional (and really we know he is lying) and physical relationships and then cries when you threaten to leave?
You’ve done your part. You really don’t need to be tied to a loser like this any longer.
I would make him find a new job
Horseshit. She’s the first person he’d go to, full of complaints about how awful you were to him all these years, I’m sure.
You do realize that the affair never stopped, you only caught him twice.
He needs to find new employment. Once an EA has occurred they must be no contact completely. That means no longer working together. Blocked on all platforms. No matter what. She will reach out. Make it a requirement he tell you every time. It will happen.
He is in limerence – there is a great video on YouTube by Affair Recovery on this topic.
Both of you should watch the video and read the book Not Just Friends by Shirley P Glass.
I’d also be open devices, open passwords and shared locations.
If the coworker has a partner or spouse I’d inform them ASAP.
This is all assuming you want to reconcile. If so visit r/AsOneAfterInfidelity it’s a reconciliation support sub.
You don’t have to make a decision now and do NOT make him any promises. How you feel now may drastically change in a few weeks or a few months. Recovery after infidelity, even if you don’t stay with him, but especially if you do, is not linear or straightforward. It’s almost cyclical and you can cycle through emotions. You may not know for a while what you really want and please be kind to yourself and do what feels right to you. There is not a specific path forward, each person has to do what works for them.
If you do stay I’d require IC and possibly MC but make sure you get therapists with Affair Trauma experience who also have experience with EAs. Not all therapists are equal and the wrong one can do damage.
Take time to figure out what you want from him if you are reconciling and figure out your non-negotiable. Make them requirements to R or even just consideration of R.
Consult an attorney in case you decide against R. Knowing what you need to do and what your circumstances are is never a bad thing. You can file and always cancel. Consider a post nup if working on R.
Good luck OP. Sucks to be here.
Edited to add: Full accountability and remorse are a requirement to R. If he doesn’t show this or give it, R won’t be successful. Ask to view all messages and don’t let him put you off, make it a deal breaker that he hands phone over ASAP or you will walk. You want to be sure you have all the info you need in making decisions.
My real question is, what more do you need?
Proven facts, your husband will lie to you when it benefits him. He will have affairs even if they are just emotional.
I dont know what else you need to know to know to walk away. You have more than enough.
Take it from me, if he’s getting defensive about it, it’s because there’s something to hide. Seems like he is ready to go explore being single, so maybe he should. You deserve someone who is ready for the commitment of marriage and he’s clearly not
This would be the end for me.
After reading your comments as well as the post, this is likely not just an emotional affair. He never quit the first time. He’s been in a relationship with her half as long as he’s been with you. That’s a long series of choices.
He’s now “ended” it twice, but he still works with her. This doesn’t get resolved without him quitting his job, honestly answering all your questions as well as an open phone policy/tracking, or a divorce. You’re young. I’d move on.
You’re nuts for staying.
Ma’am you gave him a chance, and all he did was get better at hiding it. Please focus on yourself and becoming the best version of you.
Trick me once, shame on you. Trick me twice, shame on me
Isn’t that ENOUGH??
nta!! he’s definitely trying to protect something, i bet he likes playing both sides. good on you for holding up and putting your foot down.
That’s his work wife and they’re fucking. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if you told me you have a dead bedroom. He’s getting it elsewhere.
Have you ever heard, fool me once, shame on you, me twice, shame on me. Nothing really ever stopped and as long as he continues to be in proximity to this person, it’s not going to stop, he’s made that clear. He’s also made it clear that he intends to seek out attention from other women because other men give you attention. It’s time to start planning your exit. Separate your finances. Make sure you have a good job and talk to a lawyer.
So I can add some perspective. I think he’s looking for any reason to leave. I’m trying not to create too much suspicion but I did the same thing with my significant other when I felt there was someone who I felt was better. The weight of the guilt and having to keep that kind of heavy secret, always having to lie will eat away at him. It’ll also make him create a situation where he wants to make it easier for him to choose this other person over you. Feel free to ask me more if you need more clarity.
What did you do to
Make
Him cheat
I’m sorry to say this but circumstances are very similar to my sister and her ex, including kid’s age. Only he didn’t beg to stay. He moved into an apartment for space and to think about things. It turns out that the other woman lived in that same apartment complex (what a surprise!). They are now married. So….take that how you will.
Both if you need to read “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass. Immediately
You should also check out asoneafterinfidelity
Once is a mistake twice is a choice.
I would be done. But I like my peace so I protect it no matter what. I would tell him to go live the life he wants because clearly it’s not with you and his son.
Updateme when your exit is safe and you’re at peace.
I came back to say this, and I will admit right up front, I’m a bit of a B*tch. Gather up as much proof of his emotional affair as you can. Get screenshots of his messages to her. It can be useful, if he gives you a hard time, you can threaten to make that information public. Especially if he tries to turn friends and family against you, which seems to be the thing to do these days. I wouldn’t jeopardize his job because you need child support, but personally, I would make sure her partner, if she has one, is aware of the situation.
You are gorgeous. Lose the husband., you can do better.
An emotional affair is not a real thing. What you are talking about is a friendship. How are you defending going through his phone? Such a huge invasion of privacy. It’s no wonder he is looking elsewhere for understanding. You two obviously have a lot to work on and if he is unhappy you will need to take your share of the responsibility. And let him be friends with whom ever he wants. Right now you are acting jealous and controlling and manipulative and he has not even kissed anyone. Seems like petty high school stuff that you need to get past in order to have a mature relationship.
Well from your profile picture you’re gorgeous by anyone’s standard. So I would see why you get some sort of attention. If he isn’t comfortable with that happening, he could be with a less attractive woman. It’s not your fault. His excuses are BS too. There’s no excuse to seek outside attention for any reason. I think this relationship is sadly over, and that’s too bad. But he’s been cheating on you for a long time. He has also shown you that it isn’t going to stop. Your child is learning about relationships first from yours, do you want your child to think this is normal? Your child will unknowingly model his/her relationship(s) after yours. Not 100% of the time, but often enough for it to be a concern. Also I hate to say, this going on and for as long as it has, I’d be very doubtful that it is just emotional and not physical. Please get tested.
So first, because you didn’t follow up the first time, he sent her a second IM immediately after saying his wife just made him send that but he still wants to be with her. Second, following this phone call he will have done the exact same thing. If she knows about you, and she does, finding out he has a wife is not a shock and she knows it’s secret. After all this time together there is zero chance it hasn’t become sexual…zero. Question is can you get him or her to admit it. It is no longer emotional only. If you think you could handle it, hit him where he lives…contact the woman and set up a time to meet with her with little notice. Otherwise she will tell him and they will get their stories straight. Don’t tell him. Make it for a time you know that you and him will be together. Arrange child care. Tell him when it’s time to leave that you are going to meet with her to talk about the affair and if he expects to have a marriage he is coming with you. Tell him he gets one last chance to tell her it’s over and never happening again face to face in your presence and if it comes out they have been sexual, only you will be returning to the home you share and he will have to ask her if he can live with her. If she is married send any evidence you have to her husband now.
You’re not overacting. You’re underreacting. The man has been lying to you for years. I think you deserve better
Try reading the book Divorce Busting could help you both. If you don’t try something different will get the same results.
You’re not imagining things. he IS trying to protect the relationship he has with her. And make no mistake it is a relationship.
IF someone really regrets their emotional affair they switch jobs, block the person or ask for a transfer.
Whether it is just “good friends” or more, there is a bond. It may not ever end in a relationship with the two of them, beyond friends and office mates, but that is where he will turn first. And, if you get hints they are flirting in his texts, it more than likely they will try. Statistically, they will fail. If you are interested in saving your relationship, you two have to be able to talk honestly, and that may take a counselor.
Who cares about their relationship? Why are you focused on them and him? What do *you* want, what do *you* deserve? You know for a fact he is a liar and a cheater. Is that who you want for a husband? He will not change. Are you happy to settle for this?
Seems like they never stopped and he just hid it better. How disappointing, start the separation so he knows you are done with his BS. How can you trust him after this. I wonder if she asked him to separate from you and he’s in a shitty mood over that now? What else could they argue about…
He’s cheating on you. Period. Full stop. This is the second time you caught him. You deserve better than this.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…
For me, once trust is lost, it’s lost forever and nothing will be the same. Trust your gut and dump this dead weight. Being in a unhappy marriage is worse than being alone. Good luck to you OP!!