The title is bad and the situation is not much better.
I’m on the marina coil and it’s 4.5years old, it’s in situ and was last checked two/three months ago. In no way do I want another child, I have even enquired recently about having my tubes tied but I’m waiting for initial consultation. My partner is not the father of any of my other kids, known him since April, we are not in a financial position or living situation to bring a child into the world. One of my children has been diagnosed with ADHD, another has autism, my youngest is also showing signs of ADHD and my girl has massive sensory issues. My youngest was also born with birth defects, and all of them were born at 32-34 weeks.
My body does not handle the third trimester well. I’m also not dealing very well with 4 children at all. My mental health is in tatters, and I’m already feeling like a shit mum. My diabetes is not controlled, but I’m trying very hard, and the whole start of the pregnancy would not have been the best for this little one.
My partner is a good man, but I’ve not known him very long. He’s said he doesn’t want a child, as we had that discussion within the first few days of talking as I didn’t want to get close to someone who wanted to be a dad/have more kids. He’s great with mine, but he tolerates them more than anything. But I took a test after a ‘feeling’ and now find myself pregnant with no indication as to how far along I am. I worry that if I tell him, he’ll be disappointed that I’m aborting, as I know in the past he’s had miscarriages with an ex and another one also aborted, turns out it wasn’t his but still, it’s a loss that he’s been through and I don’t want to give him the turmoil.
It’s not that I don’t love him, I don’t doubt that he would be an amazing dad to his own kid, but I can’t do this again. I’ve just got my youngest potty trained, I don’t want to go through breastfeeding, nappies, sleepless nights and weekly hospital appointments again. It’s selfish of me, but I want some of my life back. It’s finally getting easier and I don’t want to go back down that road.
I am absolutely gutted, the failure rate is very low on the marina, that’s why I had it put in. I never wanted to have another and I can’t believe I’ve already booked the appointment, but I just can’t put my body through this. I can’t put my family through this. I can’t help but think I need to tell him though. Does he deserve to be hurt by knowing he’s not having a say? Should I just go by what he’s already said about not wanting kids and trust that I’m doing the right thing? It sounds heartless but ending this is for the best interests of all concerned, including the poor one inside me who never asked to be there. I just don’t know if I should tell my partner.
He would be baby daddy number 3, he’s not from my area, and if shit hit the fan and we separated, then it’s another child who isn’t seeing their dad as often as they’d like. Im pretty good at keeping my mouth shut too, so I wouldn’t let it slip.
Please help
37 comments
Honestly, I would just do it. Save yourself and him the stress. Maybe that’s wrong of me to say, and I don’t normally condone dishonesty, but you have very legitimate reasons for needing to do it. He has told you before that he doesn’t want kids, so I doubt he’d have a problem with it.
I’m so sorry you’ve found yourself in this situation, my heart goes out to you and I totally understand the dilemma.
If it were me (and I appreciate it isn’t). I’d tell him, saying all the things you’ve said here and reminding him of your earlier discussions.
The reason I’m saying tell him is because you may need some help and support and someone to share the emotional burden. If he is the kind and gracious soul you think he is, he’ll be there for you and help you through the process.
But you know him best and are best placed to gauge how he’ll react. If you choose not to tell him, then I totally understand and can see the benefit.
If it’s also of comfort I think you’re doing the right thing, for yourself and your family.
Absolutely follow your gut and get an abortion. You can let him know you’re doing it out of respect but that his opinion / viewpoint will not change your mind on this matter.
It’ll all be okay, you got this.
Telling your partner and getting the abortion are two different decisions.
It’s clear getting the abortion is the best thing for you right now.
Relationships are built on good communication, so you should also tell him. But, don’t let him convince you to keep the kid. If it’s easier, you can tell him after the abortion is done.
It doesn’t sound heartless for you to abort. You’re making the best choice you can for your children and your own health. From where I stand, I think you’re doing a good thing.
I think you deserve to be able to tell your partner about the abortion so he can support you. If he gets upset, that’s his own thing to deal with, honestly. He told you he doesn’t want kids, so it’s reasonable to expect he’ll be okay with the abortion. If he’s an ass about it, you still need to do what’s best for you and your children. If he’s decided he does want kids after all, he can go find a partner who also wants them.
You shouldn’t have another child, handling your four kids with special needs and a newish boyfriend you are making your already difficult situation even worse. Talk to your partner and tell him that you really like him but you can’t have another child. Please discuss with your obygn about replacing your birth control with something else and I hope you get your appointment for sterilisation soon. I hope that doesn’t come out mean, but you really shouldn’t have anymore kids that you can focus on the ones you have.
From what you are saying, an abortion is what you want to do here, and that’s completely valid. You have my full support.
With regards to telling your partner, the question I would be asking myself in this situation is how you are going to feel if you two have a long term relationship. It seems to me that your struggle is because this relationship is still a bit new so you’re unsure of whether you want or feel a need to share it, in part because you don’t know him well enough to know how this will play out in terms of how he will feel and how you will work through that. It’s a question to me of whether you will feel burdened by not telling him if you two are together down the track.
There’s no right answer to this. Only you know how you will feel.
Are pregnancies conceived while on Mirena even viable? I thought they were incredibly risky, but I’ve never been on it personally so I could be entirely misinformed.
Regardless, get the abortion. It sounds like that’s the responsible choice for your physical, mental, and financial health, as well as the best choice for your existing children.
Only tell him if you feel safe enough to do so.
Just tell him… he doesnt want kids, you dont want kids…
Tell him…
I would get the abortion and if you don’t want kids then condoms need to be a must until you get your tubes tied. Or a partner needs a vasectomy.
I do not envy your position. Sadly doctors seem to think that women do not have the ability to make decisions for our bodies. Tell your partner and their response will tell you what you need to know
I don’t know, I think if you’re in a relationship that you should communicate with your partner and not telling him seems really deceitful to me. How do you know that he won’t fully support you and be the one holding your hand when you need him? It’s like you’re not even giving him the opportunity to fully be your partner in this. You are already acting like he is going to change your mind when you don’t really know how he feels about it.
That aside, the comment about him only tolerating your current children is really sad. Do you really want to have a man around that bad that only tolerates your children and doesn’t actually love them?
You’ve talked yourself into doing this for some very good reasons. It’s doubtful he would try and talk you out of it. But if you see yourself with this person for the long haul, be upfront and honest about the pregnancy.
Honestly, getting pregnant with an IUD is very rare.
Tell him and ask.for his support. If he is upset, he is not the right person for you..
>known him since April
Ok, you barely know him.
I would tell him because if he reacts like an AH, then you know and you can dump him.
Either tell him and get the abortion OR get the abortion and break up. If you don’t think you can trust him with this information then y’all shouldn’t be together. Some of these comments are gross.
This is nobodys decision but yours. Nobody here is walking in your shoes. And you’ve already made up your mind. I will say this. You owe it to the father to have the sit down. If he cannot convince you to change your mind. Then you know what has to be done. I wish you luck . I respect your choice.
Pregnancy with an IUD is rare, and has a high probability of being ectopic, requiring a termination. I’d tell him, simply to have support, but it’s likely that your doctor will recommend termination anyhow because of the potential that the pregnancy is non-viable due to the iud.
Tell him. If he can‘t handle this, he is not the right partner for you.
Don‘t under any circumstance let him convince you to keep the pregnancy. Two baby daddies and four kids is enough, know your limits.
Disclose period. He has a right to know period. Why have a partner if you can’t disclose the realities of life?
Do whatever you need. I’m sorry it is hard. Be safe and make the choice that is best for you.
Do what is right for you, absolutely. You have so much to deal with already.
And please get a grip of your diabetes. Your children need you fit and healthy. I’ve had it nearly 40 years and you can do it, I promise. Cut out eating and drinking any junk and keep carbs to a real minimum.
Title alone: Yes!!!
> indication as to how far along I am.
They can tell u at the dr.
>it’s a loss that he’s been through and I don’t want to give him the turmoil.
Gonna be worse if he finds out after the fact, the longer time passes.
>the failure rate is very low on the marina, that’s why I had it put in.
Oh, took me a minute, u mean mirena.
>pretty good at keeping my mouth shut too, so I wouldn’t let it slip.
What if he saw medical records?
Whatever you decide PLEASE GET CONTROL OF YOUR DIABETES. You have 4 kids who love and need you. Do it for them and yourself
You’re doing the right thing. You already have so much on your plate and your own health is already suffering- you know your limits and this is the best choice for you and your family. Don’t let anyone tell you any different. My heart goes out to you, and I wish you well.
Is your partner pro-life or anti- abortion? If not and he doesn’t want kids – then i would tell him – otherwise you are continuing in your relationship with deceit
Tell him but do not let it sway your choice to abort. You need to abort and you know that. He may be very supportive, and he may not, and it might end your relationship. But if he’s not supportive, you don’t want him anyway- he’s not right for you. You shouldn’t have to keep a huge secret for what could be years long in your relationship, and if you get the choice to abort, he gets the choice to stay in the relationship or not, based on the truth.
Hey, you are not a failure as a woman. You are accepting that your four special needs children require all of your attention, and you would not be able to care for a fifth like that child would deserve.
You are doing the right thing for literally everyone involved in this situation. *YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING.*
You don’t have to give us reasons why you want an abortion. Your body, your choice. No judgement from me. As to whether you should tell bf. I would if you believe he would be of help to you. As in taking you to the procedure, taking care of you afterwards and comforting you. Wishing you peace and happiness.
Quick note about your edit:
Your “role” is whatever you want it to be! Being born with lady bits does not mean that all your worth is tied to being an incubator. You are more than your ability to give birth. You are more than the number of kids you decide to have. Your worth is not tied to any of that!
You are already enough, just you as you are. You have not failed anything or anyone. 💜
He said he doesn’t want kids, I’m curious what he did to prevent pregnancy on his end…
Y’all haven’t even been together 6 months so if terminating this pregnancy ends the relationship, so be it. You and your 4 children don’t need more stress.
I don’t know if you’re still reading comments but I just wanted to say you’re wrong about something you said: you are NOT being selfish to want some semblance of a life. FFS.
you already have four kids.
a woman’s ‘role’ isn’t childbearing. a woman can do whatever the fuck she wants to do. and if anything, you’re already fulfilling that role.
i believe you should tell him. he said he already doesn’t want kids. if he by chance tries to convince you to keep it, don’t let him.
get your diabetes under control.
you got this.
You’re trying to guilt yourself for not being Super Woman. Because it would take a super human effort to handle a new baby on top of what you’re already handling. We all have our limits, because we’re human. And you have to consider the needs of your existing four children, too.
Please do not feel guilty. You were being careful. It didn’t work, and you know what you need to do for yourself and your four kids.
You’re too overwhelmed as it is and you need to get healthier. We have 4 kids (all adults now) and there were days when our home-life was a complete shit show. Having another child could potentially put you over the edge, and your little ones need you. Be well and make the best decision for you and your family.
ABORT. I had an IUD baby with my brand new husband having similar “I can’t do this again” feelings, and while we have a lovely 2.5yo, I still struggle with regret and difficulty bonding. Do not have the baby. Don’t think of your partner for one second, focus on you and your living children only.
You don’t have to justify not wanting another kid. If you don’t want one, don’t have one. I don’t think that you have to tell him, it’s your body and your choice