My (52M) SAHM wife (36F) is burned out. Wondering what I can do to bring her back.
Both of our kids (3 and 5) are in preschool and kindergarten. We have a house cleaner. I do most of the other house cleaning (dishes, counters, floors, etc.) I’ve now taken on all the laundry and will be cooking dinners 3x/week. She does 3x, and we order in 1x/week. She doesn’t have a job outside of being a mom, and she doesn’t volunteer.
Her days are pretty good. I take the youngest to daycare, she drives our other guy. Then she has Pilates or CrossFit. She paints. She picks the kids up. Then at 5pm, it’s mostly 50/50. We put the kids down together, and I clean up.
She says she’s burned out because of the emotional burden of being a mom. She handles our kids’ checkups, orders the groceries, packs a lunch (more often than I do), etc.
I work 40 hrs/week and every 2 or 3 weeks, I put on a few super late nights (like 3am.) I’m conscious that she does more around the kids’ planning but other than that, I do more. Plus, I work.
She has called me sexist for not splitting the kids’ responsibilities 50/50, has talked about the plight of the mother. I completely agree that moms who work outside jobs AND do most of the chores and parenting are in shitty relationships. But that isn’t the case here.
What can I do? All I can think is to take on all the dinners and make the lunches. But the more I take off her plate, the worse it seems to get. Im frustrated, she’s burned out, and we’re drifting.
13 comments
M30: I actually think she has it made vs a lot of SAHM’s out there, she has her hobbies and it seems like on top of working you do a lot of chores. Tbh I have no idea why she is complaining.
You both are overwhelmed right now. And it is not the right time to take decisions. First calm down. Think about kids. Make a deal. Ignore few things.
I am sorry you have to put up with her.
Seems to me she has 1 job and she can’t even do this properly without nagging you and whining about it. I’d be worried about what she tells your children about you when you are not there…
Being a SAHM isn’t for everyone and that might be the case for your wife. It might be time to have a serious conversation about whether or not she should go back to work. You might want to also ask her how she’s doing mentally. Becoming easily burned out is a common trait in people who are clinically depressed.
Wow….I am not sure what to say, I think you are going above and beyond. I think there may be something wrong with wife…She has no real idea and because she was hot and young when you got with her, you are trying to support her. She is displaying some red flags of entitlement for little effort.
You have a cleaning person. You do a good portion of the parenting after 5:00. So she’s alone with the kids for what? A few hours a day? Then she gets to do whatever she wants with the rest of her time?
Did she work before y’all married or has she always been a princess of a kept woman?
Emotional burden of being a mom to a 3 and 5 year old? You have got to be kidding me. My two are 13 months apart and I took care of them and did all the cooking, cleaning, planning, everything without any of the awesome help that you’re doing. And you’re wondering what else you can do for her despite you working 40 hours a week and she doesn’t even work? SHE should be helping YOU. You should be the one feeling burnt out.
In my eyes, your wife has it made. And she wants you to take on more? I’m sorry you have to deal with her and she should be kissing your butt.
She claims burnout. Burnout from what? Ordering groceries? She doesn’t even have to go into the store and shop?
Why does a 3 yr old with a sahm go to daycare? So she can do Pilates? Are you effing kidding me? And she’s whining and complaining?
Make her get therapy. If she won’t go, then that’s not the issue. I’m kind of angry here for you.
You work 40 hours a week and she stays at home. I think she can handle it but if you want to give her time to fuck the local tennis pro pay for a hot 18 year old babysitter to manage things when she’s away. I’m sure she’ll appreciate that.
I was a SAHM for many, many years.
I highly recommend she tries getting a part time job. She will probably find that getting out of the house and doing something not related to the kids will help her feel better.
A part time job is even better than a hobby.
I am working 29 hours per week and it is so much better than being home even though my kids are mostly grown. My home feels oppressive in some ways and I can never relax because the work was never done. Too many years of doing it all and four kids and an unmanaged ADHD husband who wasn’t helpful at all.
Leaving the house and working may help give her her sanity back, make her feel like herself again. Some women can get by with a hobby or going to the gym and ladies nights out, but some will try working and say how much better it is with structure and a break from being mom, and the satisfaction of completing work that can be completed, and a balance to their life.
>She has called me sexist for not splitting the kids’ responsibilities 50/50, has talked about the plight of the mother.
I don’t know what she’s been reading, hearing, or the Pilates crew is talking about…but for a SAHM she seems awfully entitled. She’s not doing the majority of what the SAHMs I know do, part of this, part of that, the kids are gone a good part of the day, you have a housekeeper, she has more free time and a super helpful husband who does laundry and more than 50 of the remainder, and the mental “load” is small.
If she wants to play the “sexist” card and scream for equality – she need to contribute 1/2 the family income. Perhaps she’s not cut out to be a SAHM,
She might need therapy if she feels empty and burned out despite doing only a small portion of what a SAHP usually does. A job could also help.
I don’t think it’s fair of her to expect you to do more.
Does she have friends? Does she go out and do adult activities? Do you guys have date nights pretty often? Does she get enough sunshine?
Sounds like she needs to go outside of the house at least once a week and just have some fun relaxation time with you or friends. Or she can even just go sit in a bar or coffee shop for a few hours and draw!
Her workload isn’t insane at all. It’s less than what a SAHM does usually.
Genuinely think she needs to get out more and then see how she feels, I sometimes get in these moods if I’m cooped up for too long.
She’s unhappy but I don’t think it’s because she does too much, or you don’t do enough. As a former stay at home mom I feel like I can say – she has a great deal.