As an adult woman now in her late twenties, I’ve noticed that a lot of the past adult friendships I’ve had (and had to distance myself from due to the one sidedness) with other adult women had to do with them wanting to be babied and nearly completely dependent on me in practical or emotional ways.
I’m a very independent, mature and responsible person, but I’m also a very empathetic, supportive and encouraging person. And yet I feel like so many particular adults, men included but especially women, are very drawn to me probably because of this—because I’ve seen first hand how they have severe deficits in a lot if not all of these areas.
Tbh, I’ve been treated like a mom more than a friend to these dependent and childish women—I’ve been expected, directly and indirectly, to read their minds, speak up for them and make decisions for them, because despite their ability to do it themselves, they seem to enjoy the idea of me doing it for them better—and then constantly vent about their frustrations concerning how they scare away potential love interests and friends.
What’s inside the minds of these adult women? Why on earth would they think that a good boyfriend / husband and or friend is someone who does everything they should happily do for themselves short of wiping their backsides? How do I spot and avoid these people sooner than later?
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Sometimes it’s how their parents raised them to always be dependent on their parents, never leave the nest.
Others it’s gratifying to them to get other people to serve them. It’s not always conscious but the world certainly revolves around them.
Narcissists
> What’s insides the minds of these adult women?
Aside from entitlement and selfishness? Not a whole lot.
> Why on earth would they think that a good boyfriend / husband and or friend is someone who does everything they should happily do for themselves short of wiping their backsides?
What other option do they have? Taking responsibility for themselves and coming to terms with the fact that they’ve behaved like shit for their entire life? If they had any interest in doing that, they’d have done it already. As long as they don’t take any responsibility, they can continue to play the victim…their problems are always somebody else’s fault.
> constantly vent about their frustrations concerning how they scare away potential love interests and friends.
You wanna hear unlimited excuses…the next time you start hearing shit like this, just ask “What have you done to earn it?”. It’ll all just amount to a bunch of bullshit so they can rationalize taking no responsibility for themselves.
> How do I spot and avoid these people sooner than later?
Cost is what you pay. Value is what you get. There’s a lot of people out there that’ll cost you all the time, energy, or attention that they’re able to take from you. If you notice that somebody’s constantly being costly, not valuable…that’s your cue to reevaluate their position in your life.
Some people like having responsibility, some prefer to put it on someone else, some learned to rely mainly on themselves. People are just different like that in this and many other ways. It’s only an issue if people try to shove responsibility for their lives on those who don’t want it.
Sup, I’m one of those people. I don’t seek it out, but if anyone wants to help me out or provide anything for me, I’m always game.
This is in part because I don’t tie my ego or sense of worth to the idea of “independence”. I think it’s a mostly empty concept, and I see no real value in it, especially as defined in the capitalist context.
Having been similar to you,I’d kindly suggest that you look at what you are doing to attract those people,how are they bonding with you and getting under your skin.
People are weird,and it’s always best to understand ones self.
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>Tbh, I’ve been treated like a mom
That’s kind of a victim mentality. Part of being independent means you get to be responsible for yourself, if you don’t want to be treated like a mom set boundaries. It’s honestly on you. Because if you’re expecting humanity to not have shit people, that’s going to lead to a miserable life but you can decide on what is acceptable and what isn’t.
Also meeting expectations is not your job! And it’ll take time to learn that so be kind to yourself but learn that.
I suspect I may be one of those people. Standing up for myself and speaking up has always been such a challenge for me. I find it difficult to explain why I’m this way, especially since most of my scoldings as a child was that I needed to speak up so it wasn’t like my parents encouraged it. Could be something related to my anxiety and people-pleasing. I do not enjoy it one but, I wish I could just do it, but for some reason I just can’t. I am slowly learning to not do it, but it’s a process in which is very uncomfortable and I’m just kinda flailing around hoping to get there on my own somehow.
Learned helplessness after repetitive trauma. Just keep your boundaries, say no, and you’ll be fine.
You teach people how to treat you by what you will accept. If you are accepting behavior that you don’t actually like, then that is more an issue with your own boundaries. If you do something for someone like, hmmm, 3-5 times and they don’t reciprocate in any way, then consider stopping doing things for them. They are either unable or unwilling to give anything back. If they ask you over for dinner…and to help them do X, say I can’t this weekend but how about dinner next week? Just refuse to be free labor, emotional or otherwise IF that bothers you. There’s no relationship police here to tell you what to do, but if YOU don’t like a behavior, stop. Don’t want to help? Say no. You’ll have less one sided relationships.
Also, consider if the relationships are actually one-sided. Sometimes you help someone build a fence and they help you feel happier by providing amusing company and listening to your problems.
Maybe your previous partners shared something that you needed but took it for granted and never gave it any thought, just because you believe you’ve got everything you need already. In this case having a partner is kinda pointless
Look up the Karpman Triangle of social interaction. It sounds like you are unconsciously playing the saviour and victim roles with these people
Those kinds of people do it so that if anything goes wrong, they have a scapegoat.. you. They don’t want to be accountable for their own decisions.
I have a similar problem, being empathetic and getting into one-sided relationships. I end up being the unpaid therapist. I’m learning that I need to constantly adjust my boundaries in relationships, to ensure I also get something out of it.
It’s because there parents made them to depend of them so now they grew up wanting others to take care of them because they notice there parents used to love them as there child as they grow up to a teen/adult they want to feel the same love again because they left their parents house and they feel dependent towards others also also those kind of friends are nice they are just a bit needy and I think your nice to help them also you can have more friends if you want or buy them a snack or soda or juice goodluck!!
We as humans are social animals. Yet in our work-oriented society, being socially dependent on others is a sign of weakness –– a burden. We’re supposed to be individual workers who are efficient by themselves at what they do. That’s where our worth is placed.
I can understand a situation where someone constantly vents their frustrations, and you get annoyed all the time because it’s just negative energy.
But also, place yourself in their situation. You may not be reliant on others based off of how you were raised. A lot of other people, however, DO. They find comfort in that extra shoulder –– that other person who listens. I think that’s perfectly normal, considering the fact that we ARE social animals, and that our mental health centers around a sense of belonging –– having a “place.”
Maybe these friends aren’t dynamically compatible with someone like you –– someone who is more independent and doesn’t need that shoulder as much. That’s okay! It’s obvious you figured that out already, and I don’t need to tell you that. But it’s on you to set those boundaries. If you’re so independent, why are you looking for advice online? (Maybe because you have no one else to turn to in real life? Maybe because you perhaps have turned people away, when in reality, you *do* need people in life?)
I’m not sure. I don’t know who you are, so take my words as such from a stranger. What I’m writing could be totally inaccurate of the person you are. I don’t know.
On another note: it seems like you have expectations about how you should respond to someone. Simply listening with active body language (nodding, mhm-ing) and validating their experience (“That sounds like that hurt you,” “That sounds hard,” etc.) is MILES ahead of any kind of advice. Avoid telling people what to do. Instead, ask them questions, “What do you mean?” “Tell me more.” “What do you think you can do?” Have you ever seen advice written online that sounds like it’d be helpful for you? How many times did you follow through with that?
Exactly. Most of the time, most people do not follow through on any advice they hear. Rather, the best answers for them are the ones they discover themselves. So help them find it using the skills I listed. It helps!
(Although funny how contradictory this might be, haha)
I think your last question is the most important one. I have very, very few of these people in my life and none of them are close to me at all. I don’t feel the need to be anyone’s savior so they don’t tend to stick to me. I don’t offer to pay anyone’s bills when they are broke, I split the dinner bill with friends or we alternate paying, I don’t offer to do things for them that they can do for themselves, I don’t loan friends money, etc. People such as you are describing look for people they can manipulate. If you are not easily manipulated, they don’t stick around. They will move on to someone they CAN manipulate and you will have far fewer of these people in your life.
Executives. Lawyers.
Oof, I feel like this could have been written by any one of my close friends…
Hi friend, I’m on the other side of this and I’m sorry. I’m working on myself and my friendships, because to be honest it’s not always enjoyable from this side either. I’m often questioning, how did I become such a non-functioning human adult that most of my friends, male friends included, end up “momming” me, and why do my friendships almost always become co-dependent?
What kind of person acts like this? I’m not sure, but I was a rainbow baby with low-key bulldozer parents who love me very much (as I do them), who pretty much let me do whatever but never really allowed me to grow by myself as a person, and yes, I grew up entitled, even if not materially.
Sometimes small gestures from friends, such as sending me a packing list before a trip (and sometimes physically helping me pack), helping me carry my bags, or throwing away my garbage, don’t really register as out of the ordinary because they’re things that my parents always took care of for me.
It took me some time into adulthood to realize that my friends are not my parents, and it’s not their responsibility to take care an overgrown infant the same age as them. I’m trying to work on this, and be more reciprocal in my relationships (both friends and family), like offering to help more, and asserting “oh no, it’s fine, I’ll get that later” sometimes when someone tries to take care of stuff that I can handle myself. (Although sometimes they’ll insist, and I’m bad at saying no and setting up boundaries myself, so it’s a work in progress.)
I admit there’s some parts of my co-dependent friendships that I do find enjoyable. For example, if my best friend catches me online after 1:00 am she’ll text me, “You’re still up? Go to sleep or you’ll feel sick tomorrow” and I’ll send back something like, “aight, sleeping now, g’nite mom <3” and log out, even if I don’t plan on sleeping just yet. Like, it’s just feels nice that someone outside of my family cares about my well-being. My parents love me, but they kind of have to, and honestly they’re really lax with me. So it’s actually kind of nice to have someone else care enough to nag me about eating healthier and getting more sleep/exercise.
The thing about co-dependent relationships though, is that both parties feed into the cycle. It’s not your fault, and it’s definitely not my friends’ fault for caring/helping, but I’ve noticed *a lot* of similarities between my three closest friends who tend to baby me the most:
– all of them are independent and responsible, and have had to take care of themselves and/or someone in their household for extended periods of time (lived alone in HS, took care of sick parent, etc.)
– outwardly confident and social (they’re always the ones to drag me to social gatherings) but have confided in me insecurities that honestly I never would have guessed they had
– tends to be the one who makes decisions or suggests new things in the friend group
– does everything at a fast pace and gets a lot of things in a day
– this might be surprising, but all three of them are the younger sibling to a same-gender sibling 4-7 years older than them. I sometimes wonder if they’re mirroring how their older sibling takes care of them, in me.
It’s not that I don’t have other mostly-normal friendships either, but my closest friendships have always been like this for as long as I can remember.
I think a lot of the problem is that I sometimes jokingly complain about things, and tend to be a bit slow/incompetent when it comes to everyday basic survival skills. And then these friends always step in to help.
Like, if I go “oof” while carrying some bags, a normal friend might offer to help carry one or two and then I can take their offer or say no, but my co-dependent friends will immediately take most of the heavier bags out of my hands. Honestly, I’d be a bit embarrassed, but I feel like I can only go, “aww thanks, you’re the best mwah~” which TBH probably feeds the co-dependency cycle further, but I don’t want to seem ungrateful either…
IMO a potential way for the depended to break the cycle: Don’t let people depend on you and take you for granted to do things for them. For example, if they buy more than they can carry and look to you for help, go, “Oh, that sucks. Maybe don’t buy so much stuff next time.” If they say something like, “But I can’t carry this by myself!”, tell them to grab a cart or call an uber, it’ll be a good lesson in independence.
If they seem to struggling with something, let them figure it out themselves or look it up online. Try not to rush to help. I can’t count how many times I take more than one or two tries to do something, e.g., button a seatbelt or zip up something, and then a co-dependent friend just reaches over and does it for me. Like, I got it, I’m not three! I swear! But I only grin and go, “lmao thanks!” TWO of my friends have tied my shoelaces for me in the middle of busy roads on separate occasions, and tbh that was more embarrassing than anything, and I wish they just told me that my shoelaces were untied instead of “wait, stop walking for a bit”….
But yeah, I think the number one thing about co-dependent relationships is lack of boundaries and inability to say no, and I think it sometimes goes both ways. I agree with other commenters that you should set boundaries and point out when people cross them. You can call them out for their actions, “You’re an adult. You should figure this out yourself” and, “You’re __ years old. This isn’t cute and I’m not your mom.” If someone repeatedly crosses those boundaries, cut them out of your life.
Honestly, they don’t even have to cross boundaries. You don’t need a reason to refuse to interact with someone, and a mentally-exhausting co-dependent relationship is a hell of a good one.
TL;DR: me. We need to work on saying no and setting boundaries.
My parents moved to the US and assumed that the “American dream” was easy and simple. They didn’t really provide for me, they just assumed I would be able to afford a car when I turned 16, afford to pay for college, afford to move out at 18. I did it all and more, my cortisol levels were through the roof my entire teenage and early 20s.
I had panic attacks and stress-related health issues. I’m now engaged to a man who enjoys providing for me and babying me. I’m giving myself a year or so to be babied just to enjoy my 20s while I can.
Honestly, I love it. I feel like I’ve been given an opportunity to experience innocence for the first time. I can honestly see how some people are comfortable like this, especially if they were lucky enough to have been babied their entire lives.
However I’ve been in that mother role, and in retrospect, it’s my fault. When we accept certain things we allow ourselves to be put into that role by the way people perceive us. Just be cut-throat with the types of people and situations you allow in the future. What you don’t filter out immediately is what you subconsciously accept.
Being independent has nothing to do with this. It’s about who is better at weaponizing their incompetence. They might be independent too but comfortable to be the incompetent person so that others can pick up after them. The most uncomfortable person will pick up on the slack.
Have some boundaries. specifically, you have to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. If they’re expecting you to do something without discussing it, just don’t it. If they ask, assign some tasks to them too. You’ll just have to watch them crash and burn until they recognize that you won’t be there to pick up the pieces.
Mind your own business. Unless you want their problems becoming yours.
Hi, I could have written this myself. I was just like this in my early twenties.
They are just emotionally/mentally immature and want someone to take care of them. They’re probably not intelligent either and/or have serious mental health issues.
People like that tend to test boundaries slowly. You need to “stop it before it starts”, so set boundaries early on. When you’re first getting to know someone, if you notice a certain quality about someone that rubs you the wrong way early on, don’t look past it.
If you’re genuinely interested, read up on co-dependent people. It sounds like you’re a strong self-assured person and that attracts people from all over.
Codependent people are people who either need someone like you in their life, or it’s someone who wants to fix other people to the point of destroying themselves. It happens for a lot of reasons.
We’re usually deeply hurt people and people like you pause that hurt.
Be mindful though and protect your boundaries.
I hate being babied so much that when I actually need support I feel bad for asking
Maybe you’re also drawn to these women in an unconscious way? Because you’re good at helping people? Or people keep expecting more and more from you because of your nurturing nature and they know they could come to you for advice. Id say dont show or give everything to people until you know them well. Be kind but not too kind, give advice but at an arms length. And be very firm on your boundaries. I’ve learned that you train people how to treat you. Unfortunately there isn’t a way you can immediately know how a person will be until you get to know them, but as soon as they show these red flags, just slowly drift away and protect your peace.
I have a friend that calls herself the mom of the group, but since she found out I’m an actual mom, she tends to point it out, and relies on me instead. I recently told her I don’t like being in that role, and she can continue with being the mom friend of the group. When I was with my old friends (I ended all the friendships because of how toxic they were), they all were overprotective of me, and would take care of me, so that’s what I’m used to. I’m trying to be more independent in friendships and be less reliant on other people if that makes sense.
Yesssss girl!
I cannot understand the minds of women who will wait for others to do their stuff for them.
Unless I’m physically incapable of doing it, I’m going to give it my best shot before I watch someone else just do it for me.
Everyone likes to receive, few people like to give back.
Look at divorce rates in the US and around the world. how many of those people now suffer with parental issues? Its not easy coming from a broken home. Children that are neglected by one or both of their parents often become adults that seek to fill the gaps in their childhood.
Clearly these people see you as a strong figure and you should take it as something positive. Of course, set up proper boundaries in your relationships and dont let them drain you, but is it really all that bad to be a mother to all?
Isn’t that what stong, independent women do? They lead.
I do agree with you though and have noticed this myself in my own life. I do my best to help friends get through their trauma or even some people ive had relationships with while keeping healthy boundaries. If you care about them and can help out even in a minor way, while at times it’s frustrating watching them break out of their trauma cycle, thats only good karma on you.
I believe that actions and habits are the true roots of being dependent. Your actions towards how you deal with every situation from childhood.
And when you become comfortable around the actions then that becomes the habits. Slowly the habit of depending on others becomes more easy and convenient.